Psalm 108

"Have you rejected us, O God?
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless.
With God’s help we will do mighty things,
for he will trample down our foes."

-Psalm 108:11-13


So much thought, so much processing of useless emotional baggage that keeps trying to claw it's way back into my life...so many useless feelings of trepidation...so many moments of bitter regret...memories, jagged and fuzzy...memories...memories...more focused...

I have enemies at the gate.
I feel the pain, my nerves are alight with pain...nausea courses through my stomach and my throat...bile barely held back...food is a silly notion when all I can do is just keep liquids down.

I ache.
I hurt.
I am tired of aching and hurting.
I am so tired of being sick.
I am sick.

Is this for sin?
Some moral lapse?
Some not yet confessed pain I have caused?

Or is it the enemy?
Just pain to cause laughter amongst the darkness?

Right now...this moment...I don't want to praise.
I don't want to worship.
I want to scream because of how much PAIN I am in right now.

God...I just feel so alone...I am moving about, I am taking care of things and doing everything I am suppose to...and yet...there is the pain, this sickness, this nausea...this agony that I can't escape from.

No human can fix me, I have given up completely of human medicine...I am hurting, I am aching...I don't know what I can do except fall down again and hope.


Am I going to live with this the rest of my life?
Only getting worse?
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't have called me...wouldn't have found me worthy of this attention...because the pain is so overwhelming and I rarely know how to function when it gets like this.

I suppose the plus side is that I am not trapped in a hotel room in southern China like that mission trip...

I feel so small.
So insignificant...I am not even an insect compared to you...and still you bother with me...you love me, you care about me and I don't understand...I don't know why...I have to ask...because of the pain, because of not knowing...




Must I wait the rest of my life to see you, my Love?
Will my body continue to decay and break down...and must I endure so much more pain before being free to see you face to face?
I know I am not yet ready...but I still long to see you face to face...to feel your hands on my shoulder and know that I wasn't just a screw up...that you will love me now and into eternity...

I have so many doubts, so many fears.
Please calm the storm inside my heart.
Speak, say 'Peace and be still.' to the Hell inside of me.
Please.
I can't handle this on my own.
I can't stand up, I can't walk...I can't focus...I need you.
I need you.
So much.


"As i lay me down
Where do i begin
So simply complicated
The voice within

I hear it singing so clear
Invisible like the sound of the wind
We all know
You are there

I just believe
I just believe it
And sometimes i dunno why
I gotta go with my gut again on this one

Not just a feeling
It's the reason
We know a line is crooked
`cause we know what's true
That little voice inside

As i lay me down
I confess
I'm a fool for you
No more, no less

And in this world turning gray
Strikes a chord when i say
There is black
There is white
There is wrong
And there is right"

Blargh.
Why do I worry so much?
It's not like I need the additional reasons to be nauseated...

"That's okay because I was never home anyway
So now everyone's evolving and I am just the same
As I was ten years ago, but I don't know
Maybe a simple life is more the way to go
Yeah, but then again, I’m mostly all alone

Coz the older I get
Well the more that life is making sense
And it's similar to traffic or being president
'Cause I’m not the one in control
You grab a hold
I'm just a hammer helping to nail the future down
But it's getting hard making my friends leave town

But maybe I missed the nose right on my face
For what's just past it
And maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of
Funny how nobody wants it"

So tired of pain.
*sigh*

Plus side classes start soon...distractions are good.

Strange.

I don't think I did something...stress factors...

Hrmm...

I need to continue this trend of being incredibly outspoken.
It is nice to not be trapped by being so timid that I loose my personality and become a doormat.

I...am...really tired of being in pain...and being sick...yeah really tired of it.