"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."
-C.S. Lewis
Monday, August 2, 2010
Psalm 92
"You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me!
I sing for joy because of what you have done.
O Lord, what great works you do!
And how deep are your thoughts."
-Psalm 92:4-5
Thrill...yes.
That is a magnificent word for what you keep doing for me Daddy.
I have to ask...why me?
Not in the whispered moans of pain as I have in the past...but in the exulted whispers of one who never knew such joy was possible...
For those on the outside looking in...yes it has something to do with the changes, the beauty, the hope...but no at the same time!
You have carried me so far.
I've been alive for twenty-four years.
So much pain, so much sin, so much change for pain...but you have brought me out of the dark, you have carried me, loved me...taken care of me.
I love you.
I love you.
My words will never be enough
to give justice
for how I was broken
and abandoned to despair,
yet my Lover found me
and is redeeming me.
Even with this pain
I can breath freely.
My soul has never been alone
and my hand is held at night
even when distance keeps us apart,
drawing the two of us to where we must go.
Love, love, love.
Such beauty.
Such divine rest.
I sing for joy because of what you have done.
O Lord, what great works you do!
And how deep are your thoughts."
-Psalm 92:4-5
Thrill...yes.
That is a magnificent word for what you keep doing for me Daddy.
I have to ask...why me?
Not in the whispered moans of pain as I have in the past...but in the exulted whispers of one who never knew such joy was possible...
For those on the outside looking in...yes it has something to do with the changes, the beauty, the hope...but no at the same time!
You have carried me so far.
I've been alive for twenty-four years.
So much pain, so much sin, so much change for pain...but you have brought me out of the dark, you have carried me, loved me...taken care of me.
I love you.
I love you.
My words will never be enough
to give justice
for how I was broken
and abandoned to despair,
yet my Lover found me
and is redeeming me.
Even with this pain
I can breath freely.
My soul has never been alone
and my hand is held at night
even when distance keeps us apart,
drawing the two of us to where we must go.
Love, love, love.
Such beauty.
Such divine rest.
Midnight Rage and Redemption of Time
I have thoughts that are flitting about in my mind that I need to get out before they just break out with a chisel like Athena.
I should be working on a paper...but maybe if I work this out now I can be free to write later.
I hate anger.
That is sort of a contradiction in terms I know.
But for whatever reason I feel emotions in extreme.
Love.
Passion.
Adoration.
Adulation.
Sorrow.
Regret.
And Rage.
Maybe it is because I have grown up seeing what sort of manipulating bastards men are capable of being...but I feel grossly uncomfortable around most men. There are so many holes in my being from not really knowing my dad that I think it contributes to my emotions being so lopsided at times...and why I am so afraid of who I am.
It is so easy to hide who you are.
Especially on the internet.
I really am not sure who I am.
However I see my face in the mirror and know of the monster which lurks beneath the skin. Such incredible rage at the thought of my beloved being harmed...and why?
For manipulation and glee.
Anytime I hear of someone being used, cajoled, manipulated and used...I feel the flame inside of me begin the process of not just igniting, but exploding into being.
I feel such intense rage that it scares me.
I suppose the point is to learn how to channel this into something productive and not destructive...any emotion can be dangerous but this rage...so much more chance for sin and hurt.
If I systematically destroyed the one who hurt...and daresay at times acts to threaten...my beloved...what would that accomplish? It merely gives the sick pleasure their mind seeks...the validation that they are worthless and have no reason to change.
However sacrificing either of us to their flames is not something I will do.
Instead of becoming the monster along with Nathan...finding excuses to isolate everything I love from the world...I will refuse to sink to their level and play these ridiculous dramatic games.
Evil can hide in any shape and form...but ultimately it is the twisting of something that once was beautiful, pure and divinely made. I refuse to play this game of violence begetting violence...not just in the physical form but more important in the realm of the spiritual.
Evil cannot stand to be treated as being the ultimate failure and insignificant force it is in the light of eternity...the spirit of both Satan and Anti-Christ are such weak and fledgling voices that they will not last beyond this quickly ending night.
I never knew beauty until I felt grace.
I never knew love until the Lamb came
and took my place at the altar.
Such intense agony
for one as flimsy as I
and yet never has their been regret
on the part of the Lamb.
Instead of destroying me
there has been blessing
upon endless blessing
poured upon me
and grace,
such sweet grace
that I could never have dared to dream of
has been mine and my Love's to share
in the recesses of my heart.
And still...you brought us together.
Through trials, tears and tribulation
on the short paths we have walked thus,
we met at the only time we could have
and now...this bond of two friends
becoming more.
What perfect madness.
Means of which I can never know
except for me to say thank you
and pray for strength
and grace anew for every day.
I should be working on a paper...but maybe if I work this out now I can be free to write later.
I hate anger.
That is sort of a contradiction in terms I know.
But for whatever reason I feel emotions in extreme.
Love.
Passion.
Adoration.
Adulation.
Sorrow.
Regret.
And Rage.
Maybe it is because I have grown up seeing what sort of manipulating bastards men are capable of being...but I feel grossly uncomfortable around most men. There are so many holes in my being from not really knowing my dad that I think it contributes to my emotions being so lopsided at times...and why I am so afraid of who I am.
It is so easy to hide who you are.
Especially on the internet.
I really am not sure who I am.
However I see my face in the mirror and know of the monster which lurks beneath the skin. Such incredible rage at the thought of my beloved being harmed...and why?
For manipulation and glee.
Anytime I hear of someone being used, cajoled, manipulated and used...I feel the flame inside of me begin the process of not just igniting, but exploding into being.
I feel such intense rage that it scares me.
I suppose the point is to learn how to channel this into something productive and not destructive...any emotion can be dangerous but this rage...so much more chance for sin and hurt.
If I systematically destroyed the one who hurt...and daresay at times acts to threaten...my beloved...what would that accomplish? It merely gives the sick pleasure their mind seeks...the validation that they are worthless and have no reason to change.
However sacrificing either of us to their flames is not something I will do.
Instead of becoming the monster along with Nathan...finding excuses to isolate everything I love from the world...I will refuse to sink to their level and play these ridiculous dramatic games.
Evil can hide in any shape and form...but ultimately it is the twisting of something that once was beautiful, pure and divinely made. I refuse to play this game of violence begetting violence...not just in the physical form but more important in the realm of the spiritual.
Evil cannot stand to be treated as being the ultimate failure and insignificant force it is in the light of eternity...the spirit of both Satan and Anti-Christ are such weak and fledgling voices that they will not last beyond this quickly ending night.
I never knew beauty until I felt grace.
I never knew love until the Lamb came
and took my place at the altar.
Such intense agony
for one as flimsy as I
and yet never has their been regret
on the part of the Lamb.
Instead of destroying me
there has been blessing
upon endless blessing
poured upon me
and grace,
such sweet grace
that I could never have dared to dream of
has been mine and my Love's to share
in the recesses of my heart.
And still...you brought us together.
Through trials, tears and tribulation
on the short paths we have walked thus,
we met at the only time we could have
and now...this bond of two friends
becoming more.
What perfect madness.
Means of which I can never know
except for me to say thank you
and pray for strength
and grace anew for every day.
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