I have trouble breathing from everything going on...to many thoughts, too much emotion and the end is all too soon in sight.

Everything but nothing.
Yes, direct contradiction but what more do you ask for?

Yes the change is that drastic.
Everything and nothing.

I can't help but wonder why things fall this way, what freedom was this supposed to be?

Anger.
Exhaustion.
Bitterness coursing through my veins.
I can taste the bitterness of freedom without life.

What now?
What more can I ask for?
What else can I say?

Everything and nothing.

I am just hoping to last long enough to see the sun rise
and feel the freedom given by renewed life.

Psalm 38

"Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;
my health is broken because of my sins.
My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
-Psalm 38:3-9


I know so little and am so unsure.
I just know my life is Yours.
I have known You, felt You and know You care.
You are so beautiful, so wonderful.
Beyond my cheap words.

Thank You.
Just thank You again and again.


"Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes"

I have my hair cut now.
That may not solve any of my existential issues but my neck is much cooler and I can actually see when I both walk and drive.

I might be able to find the means to having a peaceful sleep one of these days...

"I hope you're happy now..."

It's stupid to miss someone so much that it feels like you've lost a part of yourself.

I guess I am stupid.

Ack.

Faithfulness Dear Faithfulness

Why do I not take the cross more seriously?
All the stupid bitter thoughts I have are nothing compared to what is true...what is any of this madness we live and die for when compared to burning all of this and finding true peace? True love in You?

I'm finding everything but what I'm truly looking for and desiring...everything but that peace, that hope, that genuine letting go and loosing myself...seriously...what is any of this worth? This flesh, this being?

I want...I need to find peace away from myself...I want to loose the need to worship this moment of being...I want to forget what it means to be intoxicated from my own lusts and the next shiny thing that grabs my heart.

I want to be faithful
I want to remember the cross.
I want the blood of Jesus that brings forgiveness to mean something in my daily life.
I don't want to beat people over the head with religious fervor but I want them to see You as the only giving life to these dead and decaying bones.

You are the reason I breath.
I want to be faithful.
More than anything else...I just want this to all burn and fall away...and leave who or whatever my true self is.

Please.

Irritation.
Peace.
Please?

Quote of the Day:

"I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness."
-Mother Teresa