Senseless frustration because I cannot let go and simply just adapt to the changing streams of life.

Being able to do everything except what I feel I want to do the most is perhaps the single most frustrating thing I have felt in recent memory.

Outside of the whole feeling like death thing.

That is slightly irksome.

"I Surrender All" - Newsboys

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all"

I know it is wrong to despair...but I am hurting so badly right now.
My body hates me and vice versa...

This reminds me so much of China...incredible pain and feeling so far away from everything and everyone...

Father help me to speak praises instead of curses, I want to scream until my throat goes numb and I can pass out from the pain...I don't understand why I have to hurt so much...it just feels like fire is inside my body burning me.

Please give me some measure of relief?
I understand me being alone...I'm accepting that...but do I have to suffer in my body as well? My spirit is broken and the shell it resides in is just a few steps away...

Carpenter, what is it you want of me?

"Take this broken heart
If it brings You praise
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'

You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable"

What a lucky jerk.

And I think I have food poisoning.