I'm still not used to this whole being an adult thing...

Trying to make sense of what is going on with these texts and on in my mind and soul right now is a dozy.

I like writing about this stuff...now why is it so hard to...you know, actually write about it...

"If Jesus Christ is true
then I am mostly lies
if Jesus Christ is Love
then I have failed to try
if Jesus Christ is Life
then please just let me die
let...this...die..."

Lord, why do I have the distinct feeling you are about to take all of my plans, put them in a blender, hit puree and then throw the whole contraption out the window while I look on in confusion and horror?

I get the fact You are infinite, incomprehensible, terrifying and by all accounts a nice guy to drink wine with, but at what point did I start taking what is the right thing to do and make it all about me?

This isn't a disaster...far from it...it's just confusing and it is stressful to have to hang here in the air while waiting for something to happen...

...it's like how I've applied to xxxChurch for their internship three times now and have been turned down each time...was that even something You told me to do? Is any of this ministry stuff even YOU? Or is it just my megalomania wanting to try and 'save' people to make Matthew look good?

I'm not under the deluded impression that there is a 'good' or 'right' way to come to you...there is no selfless way to turn to you over anything because that is all I am ever really concerned about...me and how people fit into my plans, my wants, me this...my that...

If I haven't been listening...I am.
I have a lot of work to do but I am listening.
If you want to be a help please set my systematic theology and new testament text books on fire and speak to me from them. It's not that I need a sign or anything but I just really, really, really hate those books.

Help me keep my sense of humor while it is nighttime.
I just...I have no words.
Just bad jokes.
Help.
Please?

Stress.

Upset.