Sunday, March 28, 2010


Why do I?
I'm so tired of...disappointment and getting upset over small things...really things not even worth consideration or bothering with...

...but at the same time I try.

Too hard.

Much too hard.

Jesus...why can I not just be happy with what I have?
Why do I strive for absolutes and the perfection that doesn't exsist?
Why am I such an idiot that I cannot simply let the past be?

I really just want to hit myself.
Really, really, really hard with the hope that the pain would shock me out of the idiotic fantasy playground I have been living in.
Reality, people do not care.
Most could care less about anyone but themselves and the problems of those around them...much less the whole world.

Why am I differnt?
Why do I care at all?
Does it matter if I even try?
I can't change the world, I can't even change myself, change the anger and bitter pain inside of why am I so stupid and delusional to think I can do anything to help the world?

"He helped others but he cannot even help himself."

I just want to fall on my knees, yell and scream to the heavens.
Proclaim my incompetence, my sin and my failures...oh Lord, oh Lord what do I have to offer to thee?
I am so incomplete.
I need You, oh Lord I need thee.
I need you.

"I try to sing this song loud
I try to stand up
But I can't find my feet
I try, I try to speak up
But only in you I'm complete

Gloria, in te domine
Gloria, exultate
Gloria, Gloria
Oh Lord, loosen my lips"

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