"I'm just a fool for you,
no more and no less."

No sleeping is starting to catch up with me again...on top of my stomach issues.

Oh well...loading up on caffeine then I shall depart to James' house where I will attempt to write and most likely end up passing out on their couch...again. >_>

Wow...it's taken me about twenty-three years but I think I'm starting to finally understand how the notion of your heart betraying you can be traced back to the fall...

Reactionary Force

Foolish breath catching sentiments
regarding life and life poorly spent.
Crudely cut edges
jutting out
and playing at rusting
as life takes on a monotone of confusion.

The absolute worst way of living
is in a lie
but what is a lie
when all one sees
is what we want to see?

Beginning or ending
synonymous with redudancy
and circular logic
giving birth to my own flaws
as I seek a path that I never knew.

I feel rage at injustice
and tears of frustration
as I lay here,
cancer eating my soul
and I flirt with curing it with hope.

There is nothing left,
everything that is sorrow
and everything renewed,
ever half spoken truth
dancing as a lie
and the tarnished halo
held up by tired hands
are just the inverse image
of a photographic moment.

Selling myself short for nothing
just doesn't do.
When you are tall enough to hit the ceiling
and low hanging pipes.

Having people tell me they are praying for sin...it's just...what do I say to something that so devoid of anything that even pretends to resemble logic?

I fear my life is one long tangent spread across a run on sentence.

If I should ever be forced to utilize commas properly I think I might die from the shock of it all.

"Carrying Cathy" - Ben Folds

Because I love all of you so much I feel the need to slap you all collectively in the face with a stupefyingly beautiful song.

Quote of the Day:

“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
-Elie Wiesel




If I ever had a tattoo it would be of that quote.

When I stop long enough to take my head from the sand of girl drama, church drama and self hate I shove it in just so I can soothe the dull ache in my soul from not showing real love...I realize how absolutely pathetic this plastic bubble is compared to REAL life.

I think the reason I feel so confused with suffering and being in pain...is because I have bought into the crap that says life is supposed to always be cheerful, playful, I'm going to get what I want and everyone is going to cater to me.

Pain is going to turn me into who I will be in eternity.

The tears I shed on this side of heaven are part of the baptism of fire that living in the real world demands.

Life is horrifying, real life is not plastic, there are no happy endings in the short term...we do not see the resolution we want, instead we feel heart break and pain as we long for something more.

It's hope that life will not disappoint but life will disappoint.

I honestly think the best thing we can do is form community and love each other, hold each other up as best as we can as this world continues to dissolve into greater Hell. But the beauty is that if we just try to intervene, say a prayer and put that love into action...we can't change the world but we can do something so much more important...forever change the life of a person living on this world.

The grace, the Gospel of Christ is for the sick and broken...unless we are broken and brought down low so that are sinful pride is cast to the fires of Hell of which is blossoms...then all Jesus becomes to us is a religious figure we use for making our own religious wars.

Every day I have woke up this week was more confusing than the last...I've reconnected with a few beloved friends...and sort of feel like I may be loosing another. I do not know...I cannot know...I just want you to know I promise to be faithful as a friend. I will be here to talk, to show love and pray for you on every step of the way.

I can love you like I am learning to love myself because it is the grace of Jesus which lifted this broken body and jaded soul out of the pits and is giving me a new song to sing.

I have no doubt I will be back to whining and complaining soon enough...but I promise to move forward so I can live out my love so it can burn in me and overflow so that it may bless you too.

THAT is what true love is.

Loving enough to throw everything away and diving head first into this dark world so that we may be a light to the dying and lost. The sick need their doctor and when we stop to realize we're just as infected as the world is with selfish ambition...we can realize that Jesus came to save the religious hypocrite just as much as the meth addicted prostitute who wants to kill herself.

We're born to love...we have to dear, we cannot stop here if we want to live life.
It is about us as much as it is not...do not give up...the night is dark but never will Your Love forsake you, never will He abandon You...your emotions and desires may fail and deceive you...but you know the Love of which I speak.

Do not give up in this darkness.

"Sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope."