Love

God I am starting to hate this word.

Love.

I don't think there has been a single word featured in the English language that has been so misunderstood, so neglected, to misused, abused, treated like rubbish and then it is still somehow supposed to be this magical solution to all the problems.

I hate hearing it, I hate feeling it and I hate experiencing it.

I should preface this angry rant by saying I'm exhausted, I'm in pain, I'm depressed, I'm scared, I'm hopeful, I'm reluctant to believe, I'm hoping, I'm desiring, I'm in need...so needy and here I am; all of these nerve cells, brain chemicals and mix of failures combined into one person.

I feel a bit like John Lennon in the song 'God' just going on and on about what I don't believe in...and I'm saying how angry it makes me. My problems began with being short changed while a child and still I haven't moved on. It's like every pain and hurt has just settled in and is building a wall...a brick wall to keep everything else out.

A large portion of me just wants to cut everything out and everyone off and just find a way to go at it alone...to shoulder the pain and just die blissfully alone and without having to hear another annoying voice express concern or tell me I am valuable.

It hurt so much to love and be loved...the worse is how Jesus refuses to stop...no matter how much I beg to be alone He is here. Loving me more by the moment then I ever thought possible.

I'm my own worse enemy and I don't even have the strength right now to really care.

Maybe my brain will just be wiped when I go to sleep and when I wake up the pain will have stopped...or maybe it'll be worse. Maybe everything and nothing will both happen at the same time.

The miracle will not be me being healed...but me giving a damn when this is all said and done. Apathy is so richly intoxicating and hard to say no to.