Another brick wall.

I'm not sure how to see around something so immense and dare I say scary?

God, I just want to run and hide from all of this.
This monster I have created.

It is crazy, it is disturbing and a horror show wrapped in one. Being given the gift of creation with no limits but my imagination and whatever twists it can create?

Yikes.

It's like taking a look in me and being repulsed and sickend but just enough to continue staying in this mad circular loop and not find my way home to freedom.

So many false words can cloud my mind and my throat as I stand here, just trying to form real and articulate thoughts.

I want to hate love and fear it. From everyone and everything. The affection scares me if I was to be perfectly honest. I know truth, I've been exposed to its searing beauty, the feeling of having the dark separated form light, seeing my little habits and trinkets of a life devoted to self just fall out of thin air and lay beside me, idols I could never conceive of.

It is a crime to be so narcissistic.
But this is more.
It's my life I have embraced for so long.
This path of self devoted self destruction, playing the role of disheartened pilgrim or prophet forced into self impose exile with just as many contradictions as that statement.

I want to hide from this creature I have created.
It feels more like monster than man.
More beast than human.
This towering and pulsating profane tower of crudely assembled flesh and organic material. Some pride here, anger there and of course unnecessary amounts of envy and lust.

Odd mixtures I have created and worked to perfect.
Yet, there is more.
There is more than the simple pain or the complex quotient demanding resolution in a most perplexing way.

The longings of my heart are true.
To bathe in unearthly light, to feel the self obsessed narcissistic garbage I have been wearing called "Matthew" just wash away and just be me. Not this build up little action finger capable of several articulate movements, instead just free to breath and not be caught up in worthless and time consuming self berating.

Because it is just self worship.

Idol casting and really I don't even like how my nose turned out on the statue.
I never really wanted it that much anyway.
Just a little step, a little fresh air.
Before casting off the shackles and heading into the west.
Crossing a vast ocean for lands undying and such.

Thankfully peace, hope and love remain.
And they shall conquer all.

I can pretend to understand me but that would be a bigger lie then anything else that has escape my lips in this lifetime.

I could continue to open these scars and bleed until the self rightousness is fufilled but God, I am so tired of it all.

As quick as I am to abandon truth, love, hope and reality in the name of compromise and chilidish dream chasing of phantoms long dead, truth is more evident in the midsts of confusion and even dispair.

The pain is a cold shock.

Diving deep into the bitter chill just to realize the truth I knew to begin with, that what I'm looking for has been found.

It is another morning for what it is all worth.