Monday, November 30, 2009

I came, have seen and finished another first draft of a novel. It has never felt better to type the words "The End" before.

Now to go celebrate by eradicating a large host of zombies.

Does life get better than this? I think not.
One thousand words left and counting...
So cold...so sleepy...so tired of writing...ack...#_#

Quote of the Day:

"And what is worst of all is to advocate Christianity, not because it is true, but because it might be beneficial."
-T. S. Eliot

My Brain Hurts

Comments like this are one reason I'm so happy I somehow disabled the comments on this blog:


"My take on Rob Bell is that he is very interesting, but slightly dangerous. Like most post-moderns he loves to question everything and leave you with few answers.

The Emergent Church is just another spin of the old liberal bottle.

Be careful with this guy. He can lead you astray."


There is so much blatant ignorance in this statement that my brain is about to explode from the mass contradiction.

At what point is Jesus supposed to be served on a silver platter of simplicity?
Why in God's good name do people keep using the term 'liberal' in such a way it is supposed to be a dirty word and cause strife?
Why do people insist on acting like the terms 'post-modern' and 'Emergent Church' are actually defined? And that they are the ones with all the answers?

Bah...so silly to be upset over ignorance...but presumptuous attitudes irk me beyond belief.
"Our selfishness consumes us.
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased Your name,
that I erased Your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay"
The last 24 hours of NANOWRIMO...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Am I a Sell Out?

I just helped a friend in a anthropology class by filling out a survey about my thoughts and beliefs on death, Heaven, Hell, eternity and God.

It sucked because I had to put a limit on my words.

I do not think I did an adequate job in trying to express Jesus' love for us...and I just...that is the only thing that keeps me running. The One Thing that means everything to me and I cannot really put it into adequate words.

I can't describe love, eternity, hope, peace, Jesus and...all of this in the words I want to use.

I mean, I understand people being worried about going to Hell...but what about those already living this life spent in Hell? They do not feel the presence of God, they do not have clean drinking water, they are dying of cancer or AIDS...I mean...I just think it is possible having our focus on million dollar evangelism campaigns while neglecting the hungry and cold is being negligent.

I do not feel comfortable going up to random strangers and telling them Jesus loves them because they do not know me or have had a chance to see the Jesus inside of me. I have been told by God to talk to people and tell them about Jesus and it was weird...and strange how eternity can come to a head in such a vivid way...but I almost feel that is the exception and not the standard...for me at least.

Truth be told...I just am selfish and want to run away.
If God gave me the option I would leave all of you right now.
I cannot begin to express the ache in my soul that comes from being apart from my Love and how the only time life makes sense is when I feel that...presence of love. The Lamb whispering and speaking softly to my soul.

That is what eternity will be.
Being with my Love and having my vision cleansed from the lies I tell to justify myself.

My personal Hell is overcoming the lies that life does not matter and has no meaning. That I do not matter and have no meaning.

Studying and learning about so many horrifying things in life...genocides, murder and people being ripped apart by life...I do not understand why I am whole at all and why I am alive when so many are not.

I feel the need to justify my existence, to somehow explain why it is ME who lives and not a thousand others.

Thanks be to Jesus who puts us all on equal footing.
I do not love tradition or religion...I love God and feel such pining in my heart for peace that I will never be able to put into words.
I do not know what I believe about everything but I know I am clinging so desperately to Jesus and the love he bore with a cross.

The blood that forgives and cleanses my soul...that makes life so much more beautiful.

I am going to make an effort to stop trying to understand everything...and try to be grateful...for this love. Maybe it's the wrong choice but...I want to feel this peace...I want to know what it means to feel the Love that reaches through eternity course through my body and soul.

Everything is dying...and I'm ready to feel it more...more...more...

It's all I need, the only thing I understand and the only thing I can and will.


Base Elemental

Impression,
feeling and falling.
So many half formed lies
reaching out
to devour sanity
and rearticulate
just what it means to be human.

Frost in the frozen grass cuts
and makes moving out of this place
just more and more difficult
and I'm so sick
of this all being made
and defined
simply by your whims.

There is some logic
some sort of
meaning to be found
but the more I hear
the less I believe
and the more I carry
the harder it is to live today.

I'm ready for it all to catch flame
and burn away.
The temporal burned to its base elements
and so I can see
and be gleeful
and know,
just know
how false
and how pretentious
this facade always was.

I want to know the villian behind the curtain
and see how human evil is,
to see the unseen shadows of my soul
and know the one I'm afraid
is the image on the wall,
the silvery glass
that only shows the lies we show it
and then I can begin to know,
just know how little I know
and start to realize
I am lost.

And what it means
to be stripped down
and have my soul
be freed from this
frozen burden.

I want to know what it is like
to see my soul cut open
and have the bare elements,
the base of who I am
just float to the top.

Every second apart
is killing me
and I loose touch with life
while wanting
to dream
and loose this discord.
While I want to close my eyes
and leave behind strife,
the lies of every commercial
and I want to loose this all.

Loose everything
and sink back into Your arms.
Actual effort takes so much energy.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

"To have found You, and still be looking for You,
It's "the soul's paradox of love."
You fill my cup, I lift it up for more.
I won't stop now that I'm free.
I'll be chasing You
Like You chase me."


Looking for and missing the Divine,
to hear the whispers of the Muse
no matter how faint she is
or the distance the news must travel.
Longing to know
to hear
and feel
what it is to be united,
reunited with the feelings
of blissful love.
"And so with the dawn You’ve come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost

I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain

I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You"

Winter Rains

So close
yet so far
every movement forward
is just me falling back
and loosing
just loosing momentum
and hoping on hope
that may never arrive
as I keep falling back
and loosing sight
of every site,
every vista
that once caught my eye.

I'm at a loss for words
as I hear maybes
and less concerting phrases
and I know
I'm getting lost again
in everything
and nothing
all at once.

I would say I could
just sit here all day
letting the red roses blossom
and wither in the cold
just like the beats of my heart
but then I would simply be lying.
My heart is too weak to feel
and I flutter and fall
as I'm shaken by this wind
and all in all
I hoping for hope,
just the barest snatch of freedom
as the wind blows
and rain glistens
as it falls.

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”
-Dave Barry

Quote of the Day:

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition”
-Graham Greene

Friday, November 27, 2009

"They want you to be Jesus
They'll go down on one knee
But they'll want their money back
If you're alive at thirty-three
And you're turning tricks
With your crucifix
You're a star"

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm not sure what a song about British/Irish political prisoners and criminals being shipped to Australia during the 19th century has to do with Thanksgiving...but it's a beautiful song all the same.

Hope all of you have a wonderful day.

This is beginning some of my least favorite parts of the year...I enjoy all of it with the exception of the awkwardness of family.

It can be so...sudden...so swift that is steals what joy of the Holidays I had.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I amaze myself at my ability to screw things up in an utterly unfixable sense.

At least I am good at what I do...right?

Jesus?

I don't know if I know You.

I certainly don't recognize the Caucasian with the 'Aryan' tendencies for blond hair and blue eyes. I don't see you asking for money on the television nor do I hear you in increasingly crappy pop music.

I haven't seen you in a while.

The last time I saw you was in the eyes of a homeless guy who was desperate for money to fuel his next hit.

It was really awkward but I think I saw more of you in that conversation then in about ten years worth of crappy sermons and music that makes my soul more depressed.

I'm getting disturbed by the fact I'm finding more spiritual significance in Trent Reznor's music then I am in trying to find more 'uplifting' music. There is at least honesty in the darkness...compared to the false pretense of dark disguising as light.

I see hope.
It's not just all darkness...

But it's my own path I can't see at all.
I'm trying to be obedient...but every time I take a step in what I feel is the right direction...I get hurt.
Bad.

And now...Mobile?
Why?
Why am I returning to this place that makes me so afraid for my soul?
I would be less afraid in Las Vegas, San Fransisco, Las Angles or New York...because there my soul wouldn't grow complacent.
I wouldn't be forced to dine on this expired spiritual garbage.

I need honesty.
I want to walk into the darkness.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is relevant.
Hiding in the Christian subculture bubble isn't my calling.

But I've been sick in bed for two years...that was for a reason, right?
I've felt my heart turn to stone just to have it shattered...and feel it bleed so painfully...that was for a reason, right?
I feel closer to You but more far away than ever.
I want to cry because I can't feel the One I Love.
That is for a reason, right?

Help my weak faith.
It's the fetid, malnourished and dying creature.
Help me with my lack of faith.
Help me forget about myself...this pain overwhelming my senses.
I want to get lost in You.
I want to feel You...more intimately than before.
I want to scream until my lungs are numb because I would rather die in this Love than live another day numb in this gray land.
"What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"
I hate being in pain...and bleeding...and being so clumsy and cuts...and everything...so much pain all over...

Forthcoming Collapse

Weary as the lies
and fallacies
that drip from your tongue,
my soul is run ragged
just from the maze
of your indecipherable mind
and I'm starting
to simply just fade.

Apathy,
sweet wine
and cauterizing poison
drowning my soul.

Love,
bitter pain
rip open these sores
and pull me awake.

Every twist of this turn
is leading me
and pulling me,
dragging me along with you
and I don't know
and haven't cared.
I just want to know
what you mean
when you say
and how you feel
what you mean
because altogether
it means nothing to me.

Words are just words
and God knows I hate this fake season
as much as everyone else
but to my heart
there is a special place
for over hypocrisy.
Just be honest
when you shove that dagger
deeper in my back
and maybe
we can just learn to be
the best of all kinds of friends.

And I can lay here
and enjoy the feelings of mercy
as they drip away from me
and I sort of just loose myself
like I've been trying to for years.

It's like everything said
and everything never meant
were the words and the deeds
that push along my soul being rendered
as my insides get put up for display
in these gardens you maintain.

Blood making payments to the grass
being a new soil
mixing with foreign regrets
and everything new
as life is cast and directed
to revolve around you.

Pale metaphors
barely renown
as they fall
making place
and biting their tongues
as I resume this silence.

My integrity sold by the yard
as I look back into silence
and another stay in exile.
Maybe I'll get lost this time
and never seek to return.
If there is justice
none shall see me again
and I'll fade back into the night
from which I came
and no more pain
shall issue forth
from these cracked lips
and the twisted nether
of my broken soul.

"We're In This Together" - Nine Inch Nails

Monday, November 23, 2009

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Is praying for death all that wrong? Really?

Sunday, November 22, 2009

So sleepy...but so worth it to help someone I care about.
Sacrificing for those I love...it is redeeming.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

*sigh* 'Up' is such a sad and depressing film.
So tired...borderline annoyed...
Musings on a Muse...just poor words incapable of speaking expectation mixed with the loneliness of the day.

Little Song Bird

Compromise, your name is mine.
In a lot of ways effort feels like too much...
To scale this mountain of insecurity
and doubt of myself
which means I could never understand
or try to show love.

I paralyze myself into indecisive,
because I drink this poison.
I drink my shame and guilt
just so savor the pain
so I can record it here
in a shrine filled with derelict trophies.
Full of mottled feathers
that hold stories
and no gain.

Is it better to make a proactive deicion at once
instead of doing nothing forever?
I don't know what other decision to make
because to push foward into silence
and into pain
feels so counterintuitive.
It's not my choice to say no
but hearing silence speak so loud
almost makes the unspoken words
just ring through my mind.
That I'm reading into nothing,
secret messages not for me
and poor theology that would never sing.

No one can judge a human heart
or see what is inside.
Only God is privy to the how's and why's.
come down from your perch
oh little song bird
and let us look eye to eye.
Maybe as equals,
if not as walking companions
but maybe just fools in the rain
trying to understand
while we question the unfathomable.
Being back in this apartment in bizarre...so many...thoughts and memories...
My soul,
oh my soul so tired
so worn down and exhausted.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Note to self:

Call Dr.Taylor at ten on Monday to see about setting up class schedule.

Nine hours, three classes.

Hooray.

** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **

Potential class schedule:
NT 521.40 - NEW TESTAMENT INTRODUCTION (3 Hours) 600pm - 855pm ----R-- Taylor, C.

TS 531.40 - SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY (3 Hours) 600pm-855pm --T---- Robertson



** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **

List of fun classes I want to do for kicks and giggles:

English 331.90 - (Advanced Composition) (3 Hours) ONLINE

English 421.01 SPECIAL TOPICS IN AMERICAN LIT AMERICAN REALISM AND NATURALISM 3 930am-1055am --T-R--

Philosophy 401 D1/English 400 HERMENEUTICS/Critical Theory (3 hours) 1100am-1225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Philosophy 412 01 MORAL PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS (3 hours) 100pm-225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Music 181.7/482.7 - BASS GUITAR
And I'm here...drinking coffee and writing...so tired...but it's nice to be back at someplace that almost...just almost feels like it may be...home.
Sick again.

My heart is just as diseased as the rest of my body.

Only my Love can preserve and redeem this soul.

I with the rest of this would just die so I could be free of this agony.
I want to persevere but Jesus it is so hard.
I feel more alone now than ever.
Just redeem me if I can
and cast me aside if I can't.
Love me Lover.
As only Your infinite grace can.
I feel like crap.

But I'm excited.

So yes.

I will finish dressing, finish packing and cast my lots to the wind and pray to God my freaking car doesn't explode in route.
I feel as though I were the one that fell down a flight of stairs.
I am going to need an obscene amount of caffeine to survive the drive down.
Hmm...

A phone call.
I'm feeling so overloaded.
I want to crash and fall down,
just simply explode
and let my inner thoughts burn outside
as they have seared my mind.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I can't tell if what I am onto is something...or just plain insanity.

Oh well...

"Love is Blindness" - U2

"Who Wants to Live Forever?" - Queen

I can't focus enough to even try working on my novel...thank God I won't be here this weekend and I will barely be online at all.

I'm sick of this room...this cell that I have spent the past two years in mostly isolation in. I've seen more of myself then I ever wanted to and can barely remember how to socialize.

If I get back into school God help my future roommates.

I can't focus.

I'm tired...but I'm not.
I'm stressed but not too bad.
I'm excited about going to see Donald Miller tonight and eating a taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant.

I wish I better understood...but I can't.
So it will have to be okay.

"Narcolepsy" - Ben Folds Five

Being upset at others because of my own assumptions and thoughts is pure madness.

I just really wish I could be free of this all.
No more doubt.
No more shame.
A reduction of the pain I live in and to have true clarity so I can see again.

Quote of the Day:

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

"You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything"

Cyclic Nature

So it begins again.
This cycle of how much I hate myself.
All over stuff that is trivial dust in the wind...

I'm so tired...I hurt so badly right.
Why...why the hell do I want things I can't have?
I shouldn't have?

I'm so sick of me...sick of bleeding out my soul and falling fast and hard for no reason just to have my heart crushed with the vice grips of apathy.
Whose fault is it?
Mine for trying too hard and caring...

Flying too close to the sun...
I hate the me that is,
the me that falls into this trap
and makes the mistake
that things are good
and there are happy endings
in this hellish wasteland
where the only hope is in the beyond.

Any good is ripped apart shortly thereafter...
So many things...so little....
The combination...so fleeting...

Can you see?
Do you feel?
Would it matter if the time was split asunder
and every moment between now and infinity
was brought close
and I placed it in your hand?

No one knows what I'm talking about
because I don't.
There are so many thoughts screaming through my head
that I can't sort them out.
All of these dead people who will not be silent
and all of the blood on my soul
screaming out convictions
that only Jesus can take away.
But He can't
because I can't let go long enough.
I hate myself so much I make myself suffer
which is the grand irony of this all.

I want to feel the lungs empty
I want an end
a real resolution.
I want so desperately for a happy ending
that cannot exist
because in so many ways I do not.

You say happy and I don't know what that means
I just know my soul is heavy
and there is a burden which will not leave.
The more I speak of it
the least it makes sense.

There is no healing in Gilead,
no balm
and no healing for the soul.
Living in this house for two years
has been perugatory and Hell.

My soul has found no resolution
just a reptition
of the pain
and the tears
that can't be wiped away.

I just want,
you to care
but that is stupid
because I'm talking to a blank wall.
How can you converse with someone not here?
How can they hear?
How will they respond?
It is merely a useless vanity,
a repition of my voice
because I love myself more than these
and will never bow until I break
and I won't break until I weep.

I try to leave it but I can't.
Every last part of my soul needs to be purged.
I feel so sick,
my body's nerve cells scream in protest an intense pain
and I just want to lay down and die
because that would be preferable
to suffering endlessly
in this circle
and repeating
and falling
and everlasting
hopeless night of the dark soul
looking for a light that isn't there.

I can look to you,
the mere vanity,
a human like you for hope
but there is none in your kind.
I left the human race years ago
when my innocence was a flame
that was quenced by those
drunk off their power
and I lost who I was
to the cruelty
and lack of understanding.

I am.
I am me
and will be
until something changes again
and then you will look
and try to see and find me
but I'll be gone.

I want this dark soul to die
and I want my works to burn
and be my funeral pyre,
so that everything I was
will be blown into the wind
and the nothingness in me
will simple be
and all that is will be
and all in all
it is nothing.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

0f course bloody decorating the Christmas tree would make me miss a VITAL phone call!!!!






...it's okay Chuck...I feel your pain man... =/
It's selfish...but I'm hurting so bad I wish the pain would end in anyway...anyway...

A Lost Verse for Your Time

Endless spaces devoid,
expunged of meaning
by a jet black heart.
"Meaningless, utterly meaningless!" cries the teacher
as I seek to expose this fallacy,
the lies I wear on my sleeve.

The only person who believe me
was the sickly face in the mirror,
too pale to be alive
and too dead to care about such trifles.

Every dream I chased,
every fallacy I lived
is this song
I've sung
since the beginning.
Hallowed desecration
is my specialty
because none can know the truth
for I believed every lie I spouted.

If only it were as simple of a matter
as killing this weak and fetid thing,
letting it starve to death
in the isolated chamber it grew in,
to let it decay
and instead
of letting it finish transforming
into the fel beast it is to become.

Dreams twisted,
nether things,
hopeless thoughts of the divine
while I plummet
falling and bleeding
from the heights from which I disgraced
with the profane of my soul.
Such vile lies,
such twisted truth,
all for my sake
and the lies I told
just to keep you safe.

I love myself enough to worship myself
and hated you just enough
to factor you into my plans
until it meant
reality had to rear its head
and cause everything I believed
to be consumed in flames.

How can I believe such falseness?
What weight is this I carry?

It's all entwined
caught up in your name
as I try to flee from here.
Never have I saw this as I do now
how fairly unconcerned I am with all
unless it factors into my game
and how things must revolve around me.

Mercy I cry,
mercy I need
as it's grace that I will plea
and love I thirst for
as I lay here in this darkest night
being baptize in hues of gray.
Broken Alabaster jars
as I long to be
long to be more than just this mud
and for this heart
to be formed from more than just clay.

One day...

One day I will stop sticking my foot in my mouth.
Sadly today is not that day.
God I just wish my brain had a delete button.
Oh good grief...

Two Things I'm Giving Up:

1.Food - Every time I have eaten this week I've gotten sicker.

2.Song Writing - I try but I CAN'T play freaking chords on a guitar. I have bass so ingrained in my mind all I can do is play notes. That does not lend itself to song writing and what few examples I have of my effort are such God awful that I think Jesus would rather me worship Him with my devoted silence then cause ears to bleed with my poor poetry set to even worse song.
"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

Stone Heart, Broken and Bleeding

Compromise I shan't,
every offer
and counter offer my soul makes
I would rather just be
here alone
in pale solitude
than to barter my soul
for something of lesser value.

Who I am
cannot be
anything eternal
for my heart bleeds
and aches like yours
but who I am
is simply
another of a long line
of those purchased
at bulk discount
but who also
have their heart again
and have been freed
to live and love
like you may never know.

It's all pretensions
and seemingly nonsense
about how the temporal
can approach the eternal
but the thought is backwards
because it is not I
but outside of me
from where Love comes.
It is the Spirit
touching
stirring
convicting
loving
and raising back to life.

You can't see this
and I know not why
for all the light
from the sun
is ours to share
and rejoice under,
just try and see
how I can mean
what I say
and hope
to believe
that life is never this
but what may come to be
and never just what
we can only see
but what the heart longs for
in the darkest of nights.

I can't stop living
and pushing forward,
longing for this heart
to beat more
and faster,
just to feel You walk by
and speak my name
just once more
and know,
just know this isn't a dream
but that the eternal sunrise
is ours to share
and that the beauty
is never temporal
but just a gateway
a sign
for what is to come.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

It both amuses and disturbs me anytime I see someone using Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' as some sort of ideal for love and what one might consider to be a good and stable relationship.

Oie.

Can one say epic failure in the making?
"Our selfishness consumes us
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased your name
that I erased your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay

I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone"

Note for the Noveling Battle Friend

20k...I hope you know I'm proud of you for making a comeback.
The easiest thing in the world is to quite when you are behind...
The hardest thing is looking your own fear and doubt in the mirror...and choosing to press on past the voice of self defeating ridicule...and those in your past who were too stupid to realize how unique and talented you are.

There is no bad story because it comes from your heart, it is what you are...and what you pull out is a part of you and the final product will be different...but it is still a part of you as any child may be.

Good luck and feel free to send some more taunts when you catch up to where I am.

Observation of the day:

Including Samuel L. Jackson in any film automatically makes the film utterly ridiculous, epic mind you, but utterly ridiculous all the same.

In the movie based of my life I want him to play the role of my big brother.
What is it with being male and liking guns and explosions?
One of the few things I can always trust to help clear my mind and reduce stress...

Quote of the Day

“The really unhappy person is the one who leaves undone what they can do, and starts doing what they don't understand; no wonder they come to grief.”

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Beloved, Dissonance is our Calling Card

You spoke and I listen.
You cried and I walked away.
With every gesture
every back and forth move
we share in this dance
I can't help but fall down.

I never can speak what I mean
or ever mean what I say
because sharing love
is like watching my sun
fall down early every day
and feeling what it means,
just exactly what it means to die again.

I can sit here and watch the sunset
longing to hear from You
but all I can do is wait
and try to listen.
I can lay here in pain
longing to feel You again
but all in all
every day is empty
as I search these wastes
longing for my Love.

Red light falling harsh
painting hues with blood
and the regret in my soul.
I never knew to love was pain
but Divine Love is crushing
as much as it is intoxicating
and the substance I'm drunk off of
while I wait,
longing just to hear
and feel You again.
I had something of importance to share...but it is long gone from this demented mind of mine.
"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"
If I hear one more horror story about how a kid whose parents were ministers screwed them up and made them hate God and Jesus...I'm so going to convert to Catholicism so no one will bother me about why I'm not married and have no kids.

I can't believe just...

Where is the love?
Where did it die?

Religious Acrobatics

In so many ways ministerial work reminds me of The Wizard of Oz.

There are flashy lights, tacky looking sunglasses, big projection screens and small guys hiding behind screens throwing levers.

For some people there is this fear of what may be out there...so we all need to wear glasses so we're not blinded by the brilliant glimmer of green light in our own personal Emerald Cities. It's really easy to see what you want to when the glasses you have on just show a person the only color they don't find offensive.

Someway and somehow ministers are supposed to be perfect beings, walking straight lines, always doing the right thing, can solve any problem and are willing to throw their families and personal relationship to God in the fire just for their flocks.

If Christianity in the Americas isn't going to fold like a bad card table it has become there needs to be some sort of reexamination of what the priorities are and what we expect from those who draw the short stick and get shoved to the front of the line to act as leaders.

The more I think about this the less any of it make sense.
Jesus tore down man built religious tradition.
As soon as Christianity became legal in the Roman Empire tradition sprang up.
A lot of Christian thought was mixed with the celebration of pagan holidays to attract people to 'our side'.
Somehow following a group of people is to be preferred to that of individual faith?
How is this group think, herd mentality supposed to work with Jesus?

I just want to help people.
I want to tell people Jesus loves them.
But for some reason I feel bound by church buildings and tradition.
It's as if I am not going to do anything until I get the approval of my peers and a fat bonus to go along with all my hard work.
America is supposed to be the land of the self sufficient but the whole idea of being independent is a just a farce to cover up our need to follow the leader more closely than any other country.

There is no need for me to wait to find a church or a religious institute but my heart is so afraid of being right.
I'm afraid of Jesus loving me.
I'm afraid of helping people by telling them that Jesus loves them.
I'm afraid of sacrificing my pride, my selfish desire and my plans by surrendering and letting Him control me.

I say how much I hate church games but mentally speaking I'm still playing one.
The only difference is I'm sitting outside the building while trying to figure out where everyone went.

Ultimately if I can do some good, if I can help someone, if I can sacrifice myself and my comfort and in someway...Jesus can use my egomania to give someone hope...that is worth any price.

I'm so tired of me...me...everything revolving around this...
"You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"

Finding Soul in this Ache

Baffling, babbling and more
as we go along
with what we've always known.
Dissenting, disconcerting
and fear,
fear of what it would be like
to travel beside you
and know what's in your mind.
Just another bit of fear
about learning who I am
and where none of us stand in this place.

Reciprocating as I feel,
just feel the arms of the Divine
as I lay here
wanting to escape
from these chains
this prison
but mostly
run far away from me.

Trepidation,
just fear of what I've become
with every moment
and every breath I take
while separated from You.
I can't breath while in pain
and all I can do
is hope
about hoping
while trying to fall
just endlessly into Love
and find grace,
purely refined grace
and this sacred
and holy place
where we can be one
and unified
and lost in the beauty
as I struggle to see
and fight of this blindness.

Let me feel
Let me see
Let me heal
and just let me be
while I stumble down this path
and not know my left from my right
and let me find only You.

Monday, November 16, 2009

"You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

My Own Price

Apathy kill my heart,
indulge me as I indulge you.
Just take me and make me
everything I'm not
and everything I can't be
just so I can feel the feelings
of cutting inside
and having my heart bleed.

Make me live so strong
that the flame expands
filling every crevice
as the time passes
within and the ebb catches
and carries us all.
Things are such a convoluted mess of things in my head...plus I'm running a fever again...ack...

I need a nap.

Or silence.

Maybe a cold bath too.

I think I'm getting sick again... =/
Um...my mind has just been blown.

Turns out I've known a good songwriter for a while.

Still has nothing on mine though!

White Washed Soul

Why are you here tonight?
Go.
Go far, far away,
Back to the nether from which you were spawned.
Neither hope or longing
you are merely despair wrapped in clothing
and never a hope's own dawning.

Flee.
Walk or limp while you still can
while my cares are meaningless
just like these contrived verses
as I hope to spell out
what only poetry every can.

Aching and longing
mixed with hope
but not for this
or anything in your realm
or the orbit of your persona
just a mild case of bliss
and of laying here moaning
longing for the day this pain
and every split nerve ends
along with this monotonous
dialogue
of conversing
with this blank wall.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Observation of the Day:

When someone reaches the point of eating a piece of cake spitefully it is safe to admit that something might possibly be wrong.

Quote of the Day:

“We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Flowing Red, Painted Pictographs

My soul lays open
dissected and flayed
on display as a cheap gimmick,
just like the cheap grace
I throw back
and act as though is was mine
in this first and primary place.

Every beat of this degenerate heart
is a beat so much closer
to be captured in Your hand
and the act of a final divorce
from this land of waking death.

Vagrant and degenerate
this heart wonders as it wanders
and I'm brought back to silence,
at the ineptitude of man and machine
as I try to find where I belong.

I just want this beat to end
and this song to finish
so I can wake to find
this eternal end to eternal grays
and the everlasting sunlight painted
in such a way only You can.

"The Day the Whole World Went Away (Quiet Remix)" - Nine Inch Nails

I'm so tired of people and the yelling.

I'm going to just stop making excuses and just stop caring. Damn these people and their lack of empathy and caring about other people.

I'm tired, I ache, I hate food...bleharg.
Food poisoning.

Joy.
My body simply hates me.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Oie.

Nothing now.

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis
I should stop beating this dead horse before the thing becomes a zombie horse, gets up and tries to take a chunk off my foot for kicking it so much.
After last night...I have some serious doubts about people lodged in my head now...I don't want to be rude...and I hope this doesn't hurt or offend...I just...

I'm not sure I trust anyone now.
That revelation was a bit too much for my mind...
I just...
I doubt I can phrase it into words.
Or make logical sense.

My failure was in putting faith in frail humans.
That is my sin.
I continue to trust and invest my heart and it will continue to be ripped to shreds because it has no cover.
I do not know how to protect it because all I know is to give myself as genuinely as I can.

And that is part of my sin.
Part of the punishment I deserve for my weakness.
How can I...
Why should...
Is it...plausible...when...

It is all half formed thoughts.
Poorly phrased.
Pain induced.

I go up so high and come crashing down so low.
Sometimes...some days...
Just...
Oh God.
Pain.
Again.
Oh geez.
Why?
Oie.
Christmas decorating...garland...trees...heavy boxes....oh geeez...#_#
And...worry and stress are stopping me from taking my nap.

Bah.

You know...these...and the whys.
Help...please?
Help them...her and her and him...and them...every last one.
Only You can.
Please.
And home again.
With an eccentric cat by my side.
I feel I have conquered a mountain.
But today will be long.
A short nap and then exercise.
Some Christmas decorations and then more writing.
Oh I how I long to see Your face...
And now...back home.
"You.
Are.
So.
Beautiful.
Tonight.

In this city,
this city of blinding lights."

"World Without End" - Five Iron Frenzy

Half Way

This novel in a month idea grows more insane every time I do it.

I'm halfway through the word quota minimum and it has never has happened this early in the month before. I'm not sure how I feel about the plot or the story...but things are starting to take off in ways. Being able to throw random characters, chunks of plot and random dialogue on these pages and seeing some sort of semblance of order take shape is always startling.

So far I have written 25,028 words which roughly equals out to forty-six pages single spaced. All in just under fourteen days.

Wow.

Some of it is the crappiest writing I have ever done but more than a few scenes have shocked me at how good they turned out.

I think I'm going to be able to hit the 50k mark early and pressed beyond it by maybe 5-15k and I have the hope that I may be able to salvage a good part of this book for later use. This has been such an incredible month.

My health has been up and down like crazy, my stress levels have been through the roof...but my best friends have been there holding me up and cheering me on. They have been questioning every major decision to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing...and I just want you to know I appreciate it.

Getting phone calls and emails asking about my word count, asking how the school search is going...and then encouraging me along the path and letting me know that I'm on the right path. That is something I have needed...just right words at the right time and they go a long way.

The idea of me doing something not just for the right reasons in a high moral sense...but also because it will make me happy is an idea I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. It feels sort of selfishly indulgent...but as 'fun' as senselessly berating myself is...actually taking the time to find our who I am, where I am going...and how I can learn to be more effective with the gifts I've been given...well sometimes taking a proactive step forward is the best thing one can do at any given moment.

I can never stay on focus while writing because I have too many thoughts coming out at once...but I think I'm heading in a right direction...it's not something I can really claim credit for. I'm just a sort of lanky vagabond bumbling my way around and Jesus keeps filling in the gaps of my path so I don't plummet completely off this world.

I'm going to keep writing until the day the pen falls out of my hand.
I'm going to keep learning until my eyes fall closed for the last time.
I'm going to keep speaking until my voice is forever gone.

The most any of us can do is follow our conscious and the convictions painted on our hearts by the Divine Lover and throw everything on the line in the name of love and lay our lives down for one another.

"But remember the root command: Love one another."
-John 15:17


"Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.

All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"

"Rejoice" - U2

25,000k Words Plus! Huzzah! What about Newts?!?

Beatitude of Broken Faith

Faithless.
Faithless.
Faithless.
We all fall down.
Symmetrical in our betrayals
and lack of faith
in our sincerest tones.
Crucifying is easy
when you cast thought aside
and think you know truth
and can slam the nails in
at the perfect rate
because after all,
eternity is just a moments wait, right?

Bleeding Heart, Bleeding soul.

Lies, I want to scream.
Poison, I want to cut out.
Every thought racing through this mind,
every moment of existing beside you
is making me loose
every part of me
that I ever held onto
and every second burns my soul
as I wait in silence
to hear another denial
and pleasantly formed no.

I would have rather,
I would have rather
just had my heart
ripped out.
I would have rather
just had my soul
had this soul
nullified.
I would,
I would have rather
just had every last part of me
just washed away in these flames
then ever spend another wasted second
just pouring myself into useless cycles
of repetitious pain.

Bleeding myself into sin
just for what feels like your delight
as I spin myself into another lie
and twist and turn in a panic
because I realize
I realize and I know
how lost I am.
I got lost in believing you
and trusting in something never true.
The worse thing I can ever know
is how ultimately
it's all my fault,
everything false
and everything truly true,
it all my fault.

I'm a narcissist
so don't worry,
I'll take the blame
and baptize myself in guilt
and a bit more loathing
as I hold the door
and bid thee to walk quick
as I hold back spite
and take a deep draft
of how utterly useless
all in all this all is.

Rejoice, the day is coming.
Love beyond love
and this cynical heart of mine
will melt in the Light
and this,
even this forsaking bastard child,
this faithless Son of Adam
will be found and held.
At any point I could walk out into eternity
and find contentment.
But I hold myself back and embrace the pain
because it is my identity.

Do you see?
Do you feel?

Good night,
good bye
farewell
and
farewell.
"You're taking steps that make you feel dizzy
Then you learn to like the way it feels
You hurt yourself, you hurt your lover
Then you discover what you thought was freedom is just greed

Goodbye, and it's emotional goodnight
I'll be up with the sun
Are you still holding on
I'm not coming down "

Winding Self Destruct

The more I learn...
Jesus...just...why can't this charade end?
It's like everything...it is all lies...
My heart...God my head is exploding with pain...

What is the point?
I can't take this...
I didn't ask for this...
I never wanted this...

...just...I...
All I...all I wanted was...
...a simple
Just to be...
...and to feel..
I want...to know this and that...

Please end this pain.
Please end it tonight.
My Father, My Lover take me from this place of pain.
Deliver me before I crash.

Quote of the Day:

"But how can the characters in a play guess the plot? We are not the playwright, we are not the producer, we are not even the audience. We are on the stage. To play well the scenes in which we are "on" concerns us much more than to guess about the scenes that follow it."
-C.S. Lewis

Burning Like a Plague...

God I am so sick to death of sexuality.

For once I would just like to browse the web, talk to friends, maybe even turn on the stupid TV and not have half naked images shoved down my throat. Believe it or not there are actually guys who do not enjoy seeing lingerie whenever they try to just check their email or watch a TV show.

I want this left up to the imagination.
I don't want this crap shoved down my throat.
Sexuality scares me.
I don't look at women and see their shapes and curves as something to grope and leer at...I see their souls as being something scared and beautiful...something to love and protect.

I don't want this tarnished crap in my mind...it is hard enough to live and try to keep lust out of my heart...I believe Jesus is serious in Matthew 5:27-30:



""You know the next commandment pretty well, too: 'Don't go to bed with another's spouse.' But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.

"Let's not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here's what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile. And you have to chop off your right hand the moment you notice it raised threateningly. Better a bloody stump than your entire being discarded for good in the dump.""



I think Jesus is serious when he compares lust to adultery, if you can't control your mind it is the same as the actual act. Every sin starts in the heart...and it is not like I am trying to somehow be this self righteous jerk who doesn't lust or feel sexual desire or want...but I just want control of it.

I can't stand being around a lot of guys because of the 'guy talk' and acting as though women are just objects. That makes me so angry because it is like they cannot even have the basic respect for another human being.

Porn is so repulsive to me because it is just two bodies throwing themselves at each other just to 'entertain' and do nothing more than be empty and meaningless sex. What sort of sad life does it take for someone to actual go beyond looking at to DESIRING that?

I don't want it.
I want a pure heart.
I want to learn to love and have the darkness purged from my heart.
I want to maintain innocence in my mind and not have this oppressive darkness screaming about sex, sexuality or what I should do with my body.

It pisses me off so much that my sisters have to deal with this absolute crap that they are somehow not perfect because they are held up these pictures and videos. Who in the name of the depths of Hell would actually WANT a woman so shallow and needy that the only thing she can do is the same physical action over and over to cover up her empty heart and mind?

God...that sounds so judgmental and that is NOT how I mean for it to be.
It's not my place to judge another human's life or tell them that God doesn't love them or they are somehow insufficient.

I just see people throwing themselves at each other with no regard for the consequences...for the ripping of the soul...I don't want that. I want love, pure love...I either want it whole and pure as God designed it to be or I just want to be alone and by myself.

I do not and refuse this compromise of my soul just to please a person.

I want to be close to Jesus more than I ever want to make another person happy. There is no way I am ever going to get someone to understand this...I do not know how to explain how and why Jesus has had this effect on me...

It is the closest I have ever come to true encompassing head over heels and burning love that makes me sick to my stomach from how much passion I feel. My soul shiver, it longs...it aches...it NEEDS to be with my Love. I hate all these trite expressions in Christianity because it feels like they are cheapening it and trying to reduce my love into this paltry and pathetic bumper sticker...just like porn tries to turn women into these sex symbols.

Am I the only one who just gets sick in their stomach over this?
I want the sort of good tension that comes from balance in life...the tension of knowing that doing the right thing hurts like Hell but it is the right thing. I want that more than I could ever want a relationship of any sort...

Does that make sense?
Would it kill people to email me and tell me they feel that urgency?
That irreplaceable love that humans can't touch?

I just want...I need Jesus.
I hate this distance between Him and I.
He bridged the gap of eternity with the cross and His blood.
But what now?

What.
Now?


I want Love.
I want my Lover to carry me Home from this diseased world.
I will freely admit I'm a mercenary, a coward.
I would rather flee from this life then stay and suffer like my Christ.

If I am to be here...give me strength.
Help me withstand temptation.
Burn within me, burn away this weakness and inferior flesh.
Please?
Please?
There is nothing more I want.
Please.

Friday, November 13, 2009

BLARGH! BRAERRGH!

WHY DO PEOPLE USE MSN?!?

DIE MSN YOU PIECE OF CRAP SOFTWARE!!!

MAY TRILLIAN FOREVER DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!!!
Meh.

I should be much nicer than I am at heart...

Quote of the Day

“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”
-J.R.R. Tolkien

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Writing Without

Writing is almost like I'm trying to work at saving my soul.
My mind is so out of sync with life, love and liberty.
I'm here and there and everywhere.
I want to run free in an empty field of Your love.
I want to dance close enough to feel Your heartbeat.

Every day feels more distant than the last.
I have these incredibly intoxicating high points followed by falling deep into the depths of despair and pain.

Who are You?
Who am I?

I am me.
Just me.
Writing to understand.
Asking questions to learn.
Begging for more because I'm so needy.
A lovely looser of a sinner I am.
Looking in this pale silver and trying not to forget my face.
But trying to learn from You.

All I am certain of is this doubt and failure but this Love...this intoxicating Love is something I am addicted to. I want to share it, I want to live it...I want to be immersed in and breath You every second of my dying life...I want to pass from this world of shadows and into Your Light now...I want everything out of focus to fade away and only Your face become clear.

I am not wanting to fight for me.
Can I take a backseat to You?
Or is that just another sin?
To pretend I am not an individual so I can hide in fear?

I want to be immersed in this intoxicating love and write and be free.
I hate this distance.
I want to feel my Love.
I can't stand knowing we're divide by this ocean.
First it was by my sin.
Now it is this vast ocean of temporal time that must evaporate before I can be with You.

Who I am, who I am becoming I do not know...I am afraid of seeing me because it means responsibility.

Is going to Mobile the right decision?
My soul is exhausted from not being able to serve.
I need rest from this toxic place.
I wish to never return.
I want to go Home.
I want to feel the dying sunlight on my back and know I am walking into the eternal Love of which I can scarcely dream.

I know You but only barely.
I have pledged my soul and this life to You...but I do not even know what that means anymore.
I want to stand where I am supposed to.
I'm...tired, scared, without and so...so empty and in need of Your love.

I feel it surging through me...every second, every last bit of life...everything I ever wanted and felt.
I don't know but I do...

It is like the best excuse I could come up with me...was to feel as though I am nothing.





I am leaving for Mobile...I am going to leave before I'm thrown out.
I have to fight for the future that I am looking into...
I am afraid, so much afraid my Love, almost terrified.
But I refuse to lay here and die.
I could.
I have almost ended it before and I could.
But I want to life.
I'm not going to leave yet, until You carry me home I will fight until I die.
It is a struggle to smile, it is hard to find the joy and good but You are here.
Until my heart stops beating I will stand because You told me to.
Can you please prop up my weak hands, this diseased body?
Hold me tight and show me where to go.

"Zooropa" - U2

"Gloria" - Brave Saint Saturn

"Gloria, in excelces deo.
Glory, gloria.

Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.

I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending."

1 Corinthians 1:18-21

"The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It's written,

I'll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I'll expose so-called experts as crackpots.
So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn't God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation."

Only a Soulless Machine Resides Here

Oh Lord, could I be more sick of me?
Every little message
heart beating heart
as I'm waiting to see?

It's like everything here
is just blinding
gouging out my mind's eye
while my heart longs
and longs for something more.

I need,
my soul
my being
every last part
every corner of my soul
screams for you
in the midst of this storm,
I stand here
being torn at
and feeling my skin ripped
as I cry your name
not knowing
not feeling
not caring
about what may come.

Without You
I am without
and I can't even feel,
my heart skips beats
and always falter,
it's only You
that redeems
that saves
that loves
and everything
that everything I am
can only be found
and resounds in You
and You alone
my Love.

"The Fear of God" - Showbread

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"An SEP is something we can't see, or don't see, or our brain doesn't let us see, because we think that it's somebody else's problem.... The brain just edits it out, it's like a blind spot. If you look at it directly you won't see it unless you know precisely what it is. Your only hope is to catch it by surprise out of the corner of your eye.

The technology required to actually make something invisible is so complex and unreliable that it isn't worth the bother. The "Somebody Else's Problem field" is much simpler and more effective, and "can be run for over a hundred years on a single torch battery."

This is because it relies on people's natural predisposition not to see anything they don't want to, weren't expecting, or can't explain."

-Ford Prefect, Douglas Adams "Life, the Universe and Everything"

Quote of the Day:

"This is why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to us of God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response."
— Rob Bell

Building Babel on Your Back

I'm trying to climb Babel.
All I have are these machines
all I hear is this noise.
I'm trying to find purpose
and trying to find meaning
just so I can close this heart down.

I'm trying to climb baby
and find out who I am.
Looking for who you are
and trying to see what I can find.
No map,
no religion,
just bare instinct
bearing out a lost cause
as I fall and falter
while seeking shelter.

I want to be called a liar
and hear these tongues speak
and be heard about the crowd.
I feel the whisper in my soul
as we walk across this platitude
and you know that I know
just these conversations
are worthless
as a broken wheel
and this cog in your machine.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Be Free My Soul, Fly Free From this Machine

It was a good night.

But I ache...and feel so alone.
I hate the nights.
It would be so easy to drink or abuse pills...
Just so I could fill the emptiness.
It won't leave will it Lord?
It's going to be a long night.
Even with medication I can't sleep.
The fear keeps me up.
The fear of falling asleep long enough to wake up to realize it was all a dream.
That the pain will not end with my dreams or the night.
But vividly it will paint my life.
Pain and fear are so entwined.
I want to love, I want to be free.
Why can't I be free?

I feel like something is wrong and I will never heal.
I hate this void.
I feel it when I see a pretty girl I like.
It intensifies every time I'm around any family.
It almost becomes hate, because fear is it's seed.
The water is the blood of the innocent, those unfortunate to come near me.

I wish I knew who I was long enough to deny my name.
Peter couldn't keep close to You.
Paul hated You.
Everyone rejects You.
It would be a lie to say I love You.
I do not know who I am, how can I know You?
How can I genuinely love a Stranger?
Love He who made Love?

I want to cast away this generic religion.
It is everything I hate about me.
Every shallow finger pointing out that I'm a bastard child.
Every sin calling me the screwed up orphan I am.
Someone whose dad couldn't bother to stay around to see.
Someone who makes his family hate him enough to want to kick him out.
Someone who brings down the sins of the whole world because he deserves it.

I am.
I am Id.
I am destruction.
I am this pornographic display of unreasonable obscene violence towards the soul.
I want to be shallow enough to shut it up.
I want you to shut up.
I want to shut You up.
I want to hate you.
I want to desecrate this body, rip this soul apart and hate every single person.
I see them on cold indifferent meaningless lists that total up my solitude.
Glowing screens bringing us apart, apart.
Just making my soul scream as I want to rip it up.
I want to feel Your spirit leave so I can face this alone.
I want the Holiness gone.
I want to be alone.
I want to hurt alone.
I want to feel what it is to be free and independent.

Love, call it love and I am insincere.
Call it love and I call it hate.
Make me everything you want baby
just make sure it's never late.
Make sure you see
and take a picture
it'll last longer
and you can own this plastic yourself.

I want to feel the cutting steel
and the loosing of the ground
as I loose myself,
forget myself in lust
and loose it all to end it here,
just another bastard son
falling short of the glory
and crying about shame.

I hate me because I'm lost.
I lost the plot
and I am coming undone.

I want a hug.
I want to just be told it will be okay.
I know people love me
but I just want to feel my family doesn't hate me.
I want to be accepted.
I want to be loved son.
I'm tired of being the black sheep,
this bastard being punished
for my parents not caring enough
to be responsible.
I didn't ask to be made,
I never asked to be born.
I'm here.
Naked and ashamed.
It's no metaphors,
just my soul bearing it all
because of bearing it all
and here we are.

I never wanted this,
I never asked for life.
I didn't want to have a heart that would beat,
I never asked for a soul that could feel.
Why do I have a heart that bleeds
and feels such intense empathy?
You wouldn't believe me when I say
I look in your eyes and see the pain
that I carried it
and I still do.
You refused to believe that I cared
and I could set my soul on fire from the passion.
I'm just tired and dirty.
Poor poetry and worse prose.
What now?
What not?

Just judge and throw this away.
You came knowing what you wanted
so just take it anyway,
twist the words to your delight
and leave me to die.
You never gave a damn about me being here,
how I was born
and this body which will never die soon enough.

We're blind,
don't you see?
Our humanity blinds us from seeing
that we are so beautiful inside
and that until this flesh burns away
and is remade
we will fight this stupid fight
and die for the smallest lie.

My regret is hurting the innocent.
Jesus can forgive me
but I want to kill this monster
who only cares about hurting others
and is a time bomb
that will destroy you if you get too close.
I'm made of twisted wires
and corroded parts.
Everything about me screams of the temporal
and soon it will fade.
Everything will burn
and explode
and light this darkened night sky.
All I can request is to be quickly forgotten
and to be blessed with all being ignorant of I.
So freaking tired...I don't know if I want a deep discussion right now... =/
Profanity!

I missed it because of having to run an errand. =(
Wow.
...my pictures are every where on that site these days...o_O

http://www.umobile.edu/winrams/res_life/resLifeSurvey.html
Ubiquitous is quite the fun word.
God...I never, never want to sleep again.
I had several levels of a horrible nightmare where I kept thinking I was awake but I was only waking up in the nightmare.

You could have at least provided me someone to hug here?
=(

God I'm still shaking from being freaked out and afraid. =/

20k Plus Words! Take this:

Quote of the Day

“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world”
-C.S. Lewis

"The Twilight of Sin’ai" - Preface and Excerpt of Chapter 8

Introduction:

The 'Twilight of Sin'ai' is the middle part of a series of books that are only partially written, partially planned out and mostly exist only in a fragmentary form in my mind. The book series itself still has no title but in order to give the reader a partial framework of understanding the forthcoming chapter excerpt, I will attempt to give an annotated history of the universe this work in progress takes place in:


In the beginning all was void and eternal darkness. It was not until the prime mover spoke that Light itself entered into the physical manifestation of creation. When the Light traveled through the endless void it sparked the creation and movements of all the of planes and the stars, and with them a seemingly infinite assortment of creatures and worlds that they inhabited.

As the creation process came to an end the Light itself raised up among the worlds a series of beings charged with the guidance and protection of the people, they were called Guardians. After a period of time passed fragments of the void began to make their way into the heart of the chief Guardian who began to view his role as being that of serving a lesser an infinitely more inferior creature. He reasoned that 'Why should he, one of such magnificent splendor, be subjected to the menial tasks of caring for such useless people?'

Gradually he began to change, to be twisted, to be tainted and with his fall he brought destruction to the worlds he had been charged to protect. He began to gather a force of other Guardians, twisting those he could and killing those who would not turn. Among the planets that held sentient life he began the long work of twisting their hearts, using subtlety he began the long work of corrupting worlds.

The Light began to rally its forces on the targeted worlds and they quickly became battlefields between good and evil. Those that had not felt the full reach of the quickly growing Dark were sealed off and could be accessed only by the magical gates that had linked all of the world together.

This fallen Guardian seeks to reach the center of all the worlds, the place where life had began and by conquering it and its people he hopes to achieve greater power and complete domination over all that is. However because of the gates that were put in place, it has become a desperate fight from world to world with him having to take things one world at a time.

Thousands of years have passed and many worlds have fallen. On the world of Sin'ai darkness has begun to overwhelm all. The free thinking people have bound together under oath and allegiance to hold their ground in hope that the Light and the Guardians will rescue them.

This chapter excerpt takes place after a scroll containing the knowledge of the primary gate on Sin'ai had been stolen by the chief warrior of the Order of Khiros, (which is a group devoted in religious zealotry toward The Dark) a mysterious man named Flahg. After a night of chasing and battle the central heroes of this story return to their city and Lord with what they think is the scrol. However tragedy strikes and the item turns out to be a decoy which engulfs their dear friend, the Lord Thamos, in fel flames causing him a most agonizing demise.

This story excerpt picks up that evening at the funeral of Thamos...

************
************
************
************


The sun hung on the edge of the sky with a blood red hue that added a morbid accent to the proceedings. It was almost as though the heavens themselves were declaring the extent of the outrage, the profane gesture that it was that one so young and good died such a tragic and pointless death. It spoke as if to say this was ultimately nothing more than yet another senseless death to be added to the tally of this realms sad and tragic history.

Those under the banner of the Knights of the Xianphire gathered. The Knights were split into two companies, the first being the half dozen of those under the sword of Agius were closest to the front of the circle as they were known to have been in the late Lords intimate council. The second group consisted of another two dozen survivors that were all that remained of their once numerous and proud force. The rest consisted of the gathered militia and the handful of soldiers from the regular army who had remained after this time.

Agius, as chief paladin by default, was elected to lead the ceremony and did so with great sorrow and reluctance. He stepped to the front of the people who had gathered under the blood red sky in the courtyard. His eyes traveled across all who were there, tears in the eyes of most and the look of sorrow intermingled with exhaustion on all.

This would be more than difficult, if not impossible. He silently began praying to the Light for strength.

By being elected to lead this ceremony, symbolic as it might be, it was as if he was given the legitimate right to succeed leadership where there was no one else to. Somehow he was to lead this last group of soldiers that had sacrificed all by choosing to give up both their lives and families and fight right on what had become the final border of civilization.

He took a deep breath and tried to pull his thoughts together , desperate to find some logical form.

Everyone was standing at attention meeting his eyes, they must have known how difficult this was for him, how this mantle was something to be taken and held as an honor but an honor that weighed on the soul and pressed deep into the mind as a sword, cutting swift and reminding him why those who never knew battle were the single most blessed people who were ever born.

“My beloved brothers and sisters in arm, in sorrow and given life and still purpose by the power of both the Light and Guardians; thank you for being here.”

He paused and met the eyes of the small group of people. Taking the time to look at each one of them in the eyes, they knew that he knew them not just by name but because most of them had grown together, knew their families and intimately knew they shared this pain, the burden they all had in common by fighting this war.

“Our lands have stood at a crossroads for many years, Lord Thamos was a man who knew this. He knew that the political troubles that rulers loved to get themselves entangled in would not end with any long term victory. Sending thousands to die over a few strips of land was something he despised as much as seeing a murderer walk free, because in his mind both were equivocal injustices.

“He gave his life as he lived it. With his soldiers on the front line, in this fortress that we have all viewed as being a hellish tomb. We have fought to maintain this link, this bastion as a means of drawing a line in the sand, as a message to the Dark and all those who foolishly ran to and embraced them. Our Lord knew that by choosing to stand up he was marking himself as a target. He trusted in the Light, the Guardians and that all people were made to be free and had the right to live free from the oppression of tyranny and those who would enslave them to simply construct even more ways of efficient murder and the destroying of the innocent.

“He gave himself first and foremost to those he served. He gave up the thought of marrying and heirs because he knew that if we failed in making our stand then there would be no future generations to be had. He knew that each one of you was here for a purpose, that no accidents existed in who the Light chose to bring here. None of you were born without reason, instead we were created to serve and fight for reason.”

He paused and walked forward to the group. Holding his hands outstretched wide he looked up to the sky and slowly turned in a circle and looked back down as he came to face the group again. “You are the reason, this place is your reason, your family is your reason.” He stopped and looked into the misty blue eyes of Dinlixia. “The one you love is why you fight. If we do not continue this fight and be willing to sacrifice everything like Thamos did than we will not have a chance. This is a challenge none of us would have asked for but one we must all accept if we are to survive.

“We hold Lord Thamos in our hearts and return his ashes to the land that bore him. We pray his spirit is received into the Halls of his fathers that they share with the Guardians and we pray that the Light will bear him there safely.”

** ** ** ** **

“That was beautiful.”

“You are much too kind to me beloved.” Agius sighed as he looked out the window of the small room he had been sharing with Nanthanial.

Dinlixia wrapped her arms around his shoulder from behind and held him, resting her head on the back of his neck. “I never could be kind enough. These days are so dark and so troubled that sometimes the only light I ever see comes from your heart. With loosing Thamos as our leader they, I, needed to hear everything you said so very much. We would be even more lost without you…”

He gave a heavy sigh and closed his eyes to try and hold back the overflow of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him and spill out.

“What is it? Speak to me please.”

A minute passed in silence as she gently kissed the back of his neck allowing her fingers to move along his shoulder and neck giving him time to gather words.

“I, I am not special. I am just my father’s son, I was not even the strongest Paladin of my class. In almost every way I am ordinary and it almost feels like it was a tarnish on his death to have me of all people deliver the eulogy. I am not even of noble birth, Guinavare should have been the one wh-“

She had suddenly turned Agius around catching him off guard as she interrupted him by fiercely kissing him on the lips, sliding her hands into his light colored hair as he gradually wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly.

“Who you are is more than enough.” She looked up into his eyes not breaking their connection until he closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh. “The Light and the Guardians elected for this lot to fall to you for a reason, we have not been forgotten and we will fight until we see the end that we are. My people have fought this battle since time itself began to wind and now that it is coming undone we shall fight until we see the wonder of what lays beyond this veil of darkness.”

Finally daring to open his eyes he looked down to her, seeing eyes which shone as twin blue moons giving light to his darkened soul. “Thank you, the years we have known each other you have ever stood beside me and gave me strength and courage.”

Giving a wry smile she kisses his lips. “Your looks are what keep me around, for a human they are quite impressive.”

“For one who is a child of the undying race it would seem you have standards that are less than honorable.”

“Undying has never meant noble, have you seen an Eidolon who ever intended well?”

“As always you point is both reasonable and valid.” He ran his fingers gently over her cheek before pausing, his thumb gently running along beneath her bottom lip. She looked up at him saying nothing, knowing he would speak when ready.

“I love you. I have loved you since we first met in what almost feels like a lifetime ago. When I spoke about finding a purpose, a reason to live and to fight I meant you. You have been my reason for these many years.”

She gave him a smile that said better than any words she could form that she not only knew but her heart burned in the same way.

“There could maybe be no worse a time to ask but would you be mine, be mine forevermore?”

He pulled away from her slowly and dropped to one knee and pulled out a silvery ring forged of mithril. “If you will, accept this paltry token as being but the faintest symbol of my affections for you.”

Looking at the crest on the ring she felt although her heart was caught in her throat as silent tears fell on her face without her knowing. She nodded her head and mouthed her answer as he slid the ring on her hand and their lips soon met and he began to kiss away her tears.

Lost in the rapture of their kiss it was many minutes before they spoke again.
Contrary to popular opinion violence DOES solve a multitude of problems. The issue of concern however, is that the solution it does offer often times proves too permanent to reverse.

BS2 concert

For the three other fans of Brave Saint Saturn out there here is a link to a full concerts of one of the few times they have ever performed as a band:

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=98995D3674732992
"Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry.

Space Robot 5,
Is he alive?
So very alone,
So far from home."

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Musings on the Musings of a Muse

As always it makes terrifyingly perfect sense in the way that only the artistic musings of a Muse can.

Sometimes we have to pour ourselves into the work of the soul to push ourselves along the path of learning what it means to be saved.

Jesus did the hard part of dying and coming back to life...all we do is spent trying to learn to love...and part of that is devoting ourselves to plumbing the depths of our seemingly endless souls to find who we are and what we can do...just to stand and face our Love...and realize the work we've done is a paltry reflection of that face...

Beauty, color, creed and sex will have no real meaning looking into the face of Divine Love...everything will be reconciled into the perfectly unutterable clarity that would terrify us to know now.

Peace and hope eternal.

Feeding on a Burning Soul

I'm looking across this ocean
and feeling the distance
of being ripped apart
by the lies of trepidation
and temptation of pride
with the lie of self.

It's having the scales of my eyes
ripped off
and feeling the shame
of a thousand lies of wasted breaths.

Every moment apart
is a moment I'm dying,
not knowing how to live
forgetting how Your heart beats
and longing to know
just to know
I'm never forgotten.
Just woke up...still so sleepy.

Heh "13 Going on 30" is on, I'm almost ashamed to admit how much I like this film.

Quote of the Day

“Just as in earthly life lovers long for the moment when they are able to breathe forth their love for each other, to let their souls blend in a soft whisper, so the mystic longs for the moment when in prayer he can, as it were, creep into God.”
-Soren Kierkegaard
Aches with a slight side of confusion.

Monday, November 9, 2009

If being a narcissist was so easy than everyone would be doing it!



...wait a second...
While discussing the idea of moving back to Mobile a hurricane suddenly appears...Jesus are you trying to send me a message or something? o_O

Quote of the Day:

“I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.”
-Mother Teresa
Go!

Get out of my head already!

Shoo!
Two months and I'll be out of this house again...and then I can work on loosing the rest of this unneeded baggage that is crushing my soul.
Regardless of how inconsequential it is...I still do care...
"I’m languorously open-ended and the ending’s no good
I’ve been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball

Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I’m ready to burn
At war within myself and self is winning the fight
Because feeling like no one at all means feeling alright

Sense of purpose has got me feeling worthless
And I’m fading away, but that’s okay"

Fool Afraid of Love

Dear Lord just give me everything that I want,
feed me a bit more,
so it can,
it'll make me content just for the day.
It's a promise that I'll break
because after all
everything about everything
is always just about me.

I can be sweet,
just enough to rot your teeth.
I can be honest,
just enough to be blunt,
about how I just can't stand your ways
because after all
everything it's about me.

You didn't get the memo?

If I could get any more sick
I might just be able to love You
almost as much as I hate you.
I could throw up
and be rid of everything that is me
and return this status quo
of not knowing
or wanting to care anymore.

Why did you set this stirring in my heart
just so it could become a blister
an ache driving me further insane?
Just cut it out,
slice out this heart
and indulge an old serpent
whose only sole concern
is about no longer feeling.

I would rather be blinded
and loose my touch,
have my words stolen
and never utter a sound
or write another trite verse.
If it could just make you happy
I would gladly cut off these ties
and loose everything
that ever made myself
just myself about myself.

Just a few grains of sand
and I'll be done,
don't worry
everything is fading
and soon enough
my voice will be stilled.
No longer a burning
or an ache
just an empty vessel,
worthless dust to dust
and back to the dirt
all without a single fuss.
Does it matter if I try?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

"Oh Lord, I’m sick of myself
I’d rather bury it than carry it
I’m desperate for help
And barely sentient means I’m just being me
Follow suit the destitute my modus operandi

A face that’s marked by pallor means you’re wasting away
So get a tan and raise your hands and take to feeling okay
No one enjoys the party when they’re stricken with anemia
A shallow sinking surface simply screaming septicemia

Peace of mind is hard to find
So I’m standing in line and feeling fine

Aye, me sad hours seem long
And even longer when you’re numb
Fading away and that’s okay
Cause life has me under her thumb"
Yeah...yeah...yeah...

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

“Stealing things is a glorious occupation, particularly in the art world.”
-Malcolm Mclaren

Dirt Encrusted Heart

I feel,
I feel the tension,
the cancer
eating you on the inside.

I see,
I see the revelation,
the pain
you wear as a see through dress.

Every time,
Every moment,
that is passing by me on the street
I wonder how this all came to be
why we just can't stop this madness
long enough to see,
see each other through the night.

I hate,
I hate just this feeling,
this gangrene frustration
building up in my body
as I seek to cut it out
and have you see my intent,
how my heart is real
and vibrant and alive.

But you,
yes you dear angel of night,
do you still feel?
Does your orbit around earth
even permit you to hear sound?
Do you see the pinning
and tear drops fall while crying,
all this for you,
just to gather attention once again?

I can't quite comprehend
just how all this came to be
and instead,
I just sit here drinking
and hoping for reprieve,
that life will be mine to live again.
Just without your circular logic,
the short circuits in my soul
that you set off
when you tripped the breaker
on your way out each door.

Not just running from me
but leaving yourself behind
and we both watch on
wondering when you'll bother to return,
pay a visit to you and you,
but don't worry about me.
It's already a late night
so I'm going to turn in
and hope that maybe
this has all just been a dream,
maybe a bad night
or just my selfish heart pursuit.
I just would like to wish the world a ridiculously early good morning.I have coffee and am getting ready to stop being a crappy friend and reply to a huge amount of emails before getting down to the noveling business...
It is painfully embarrassing to expect so much from someone who is only a human.

Quote of the Day:

"Whenever Christ calls us, his call leads us to death."
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
You know...anytime someone draws a comparison between your personal writing styles and one of your heroes, it is ALWAYS a good day.

Although, you know I still would be quite taller than C.S. Lewis.

Heh...it is so sad I go out of my way to compare my height to everyone and everything around me...but hey, you got to be proud of what you have. I've got my freaking awesome hair which is still rocking, eyes with so many colors it could be its own Beatles album and something that is quite similar to but not actually health.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

"I'm just a fool for you,
no more and no less."
No sleeping is starting to catch up with me again...on top of my stomach issues.

Oh well...loading up on caffeine then I shall depart to James' house where I will attempt to write and most likely end up passing out on their couch...again. >_>
Wow...it's taken me about twenty-three years but I think I'm starting to finally understand how the notion of your heart betraying you can be traced back to the fall...

Reactionary Force

Foolish breath catching sentiments
regarding life and life poorly spent.
Crudely cut edges
jutting out
and playing at rusting
as life takes on a monotone of confusion.

The absolute worst way of living
is in a lie
but what is a lie
when all one sees
is what we want to see?

Beginning or ending
synonymous with redudancy
and circular logic
giving birth to my own flaws
as I seek a path that I never knew.

I feel rage at injustice
and tears of frustration
as I lay here,
cancer eating my soul
and I flirt with curing it with hope.

There is nothing left,
everything that is sorrow
and everything renewed,
ever half spoken truth
dancing as a lie
and the tarnished halo
held up by tired hands
are just the inverse image
of a photographic moment.

Selling myself short for nothing
just doesn't do.
When you are tall enough to hit the ceiling
and low hanging pipes.