Is that my eyes starting to bleed from stress caused by the sheer unnecessary stupidity?

Oh yes it is...

Stress levels raging...on the plus side making play lists for a radio station I'll never get to DJ on is a way to fix some problems...

Some people I'll never be tired of being tired of...although it would be a nice change of pace if I could be nicer to them.

I need to find a hole to climb into...

Nothing new...just more...pain.

Has all the internship stuff turned in! Woot!
*cue walking on sunshine and the happy dance*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1yUJx1zGeI

Foolish Inklings

Ministerial intent.

I have the internship stuff turned in...now it's just waiting to hear if I get accepted or not.

I'm slightly giddy.

I also haven't really slept in a while.

A good long while.

But any prayers would be accepted and desired because if this comes through it will be a life changing event...move across the country to Las Vegas and travel around the world life changing.

The word ministry is such a fickle word because so often is it divorced from any concept of actual reality. How can love be expressed in a set of steps and rules? How can love be love it is nothing more than a formula people regularly run through?

Real ministry involves being real, not hiding behind masks and actually coming clean that I am in fact a human...a human with the same tendency of failing, the same fears, the same needs as any other human.

That is scary. The idea of not being able to hide behind this shield...the false notion that it was okay to pretend everything was alright when it is not...that is contrary to the whole nature of the Gospel. Things are *not* okay...which is why we need a God that is so much bigger than our collective mistakes.

A personal, loving God obsessed with us...that thinks of us...cares about our every thought...our every second of every day...a God that is incomprehensible and yet personal in the same breath...

It is like any real relationship with love.

It is terrifying as much as it is exhilarating because it means risking everything...being willing to act a fool and look stupid. Being willing to give your life to something so much bigger then you could ever be on yourself.

I guess that is what this is...a love letter...a request for those as...crazy as me to pray and send any support they can spare.



""Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.""
-Matthew 5:14-16


"It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better."
1 Corinthians 4:9-13

Here goes another attempt at the internship...

The new look is gaudy...and I think that reflects the toys that religion has become.

Doves For Hire

Here...in this music...I almost feel like the wings will burst from my back and I will be able to fly...to escape from the thorns that have been pinning me to the ground. That I can leave this decaying, sickly body behind and sore into light.

That there is grace enough for me...love enough to wash away my failures...my evil and the pain I have caused others. That there is more then just a light at the end of this tunnel...but that there is love...endless love and hope just a touch away....

I'm ready for what can be...I'm ready to shed this cynical shell and leave this lethargic heart behind...I want to see what can be...how these defects can be turned around and made to shine and bring hope.

Are these just arrogant assumptive lies?
Or is the truth so possible?
So real?
So near by that I can almost touch?

I need to speak...but my lips are swollen from hypocrisy...could You cleanse them again? Not so I will judge or spread this rancor hate...but to show love...to myself so I can know what it means to love.

Loving love.

I'm going to go crazy if I'm not able to share this.

"No Line On The Horizon" - U2

U2 360 Tour Teaser

"Van diemen's Land" - U2

Water On the Soul

Oceans keep us apart,
waves rip your hand from mine
and fools dance about
singing their songs
being the unwanted jester
on an unwanted day.
These nails dig a route
hitting where they belong
touching where the pain festers
and I think just
just maybe,
I'm falling again.
Loosing step
being out of time with your heart
and in beat with the misstep
not knowing when
not knowing when this might end.
Knowing the distance
and the heart at the end of the line
just makes the day that much harder
knowing the more I long
the more I hunger
the more I pine
for these absolutes
for guidance and the sign
and how to sing this song
letting you know
this isn't a farce.

My words are false
a shade of pretentious hollow
matched only by Lucifer
but for once I see
I feel the shallow
the depth of my heart
the blinders
holding me as the cries
just echo
across fields
piercing dry eyes
and I yield
to the pressure.

Take me if You hear me,
hold me if You care.
Divinity is on Your side
and I'm at a slight disadvantage.
You see my despair
and the length of the chasm
where this all is.

"The Perfect Drug" - Nine Inch Nails

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0s5UOVsMDg

I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die

and I want you

you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug


you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart

my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me

and I want you

you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug

take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

My faith feels cheaper by the day as I sell it by the dozen.

"The Beginning" - Showbread

I used to dream that I could fly
Just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky
I had a dream I was alive
I dreamt that love would never die, goodbye
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy (so light)
The forgeries of life deceiving (so bright)
And as I glided to the ground (so long)
Calcified, the concrete weighed me down (cruel world)

Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I had dreamt that I could fly

Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep
As it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I've never spoken
Through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living
And still beneath it all I dreamt that God could be forgiving

Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me

''I have been with you all along, you have not noticed me.'
Nervosa now felt more ashamed than ever before.
'Why would you still care enough to save me
even after seeing the horrible things I have done?
Why do you remain here even now?' She asked, sobbing.
'Because, here is where you are,' the Lamb said softly,
'And I long to be with you.''

See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore

"God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what he has done, collecting a following for him. And he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own, lest the powerful action at the center—Christ on the Cross—be trivialized into mere words.

The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It's written,

I'll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I'll expose so-called experts as crackpots.

So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn't God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation.

While Jews clamor for miraculous demonstrations and Greeks go in for philosophical wisdom, we go right on proclaiming Christ, the Crucified. Jews treat this like an anti-miracle—and Greeks pass it off as absurd. But to us who are personally called by God himself—both Jews and Greeks—Christ is God's ultimate miracle and wisdom all wrapped up in one. Human wisdom is so tinny, so impotent, next to the seeming absurdity of God. Human strength can't begin to compete with God's "weakness."

Take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life. I don't see many of "the brightest and the best" among you, not many influential, not many from high-society families. Isn't it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these "nobodies" to expose the hollow pretensions of the "somebodies"? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That's why we have the saying, "If you're going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God.""
-1 Corinthians 1:17-31

You're welcome.

=)

Sublime Thoughts

Woke up feeling like death, the medication finishing the bleeding out process.

Every single thought brings me back...making me question my decisions: "Was I wrong?", "Was it right?", "How did it come to this?" and more then I can recall.

I want anger and rage to pilot me a course out.
Instead all I see is finger nails painted red, digging into my skin.
Poorly dressed metaphors too stoned to put their clothes on and instead try to hide in plain sight.

The only lie, the sweetest one, is the one I heard.
I think it was from me but I'm not sure.
Addictions...lines of lies, bottles of staunch falsified hope behind me and inside...maybe You.

This epic waste, this failure coated in time and sealed in plastic.
Keeping hope as a distant and proverbial type, the sort you wouldn't want to take home to mom.

Ready too late...or too soon depending on how your view of time...being literal or maybe just metaphysical constructs...derisive spittle...confusion laced tears.

I hate medication, much less medication which fades out leaving side effects and just pain. Promoting this aging, falling apart body that is about decay.

It's being revised as we speak...dealing with idiots is tiring but you should try living with myself.

Revised blueprints about how it's a failure is something else unknown and entirely unknown.

Preceding...a process...thoughts...unredeemed.
Forgiveness being a luxury I've lived without.
Just like...love.
Dripping dots, water spots.
Failing down.

"Hurricanes" - Five Iron Frenzy

Yo toda via espero un milagro,
Yo toda via te espero a ti.
The sunlight is fading,
the longest shadows have been cast.
Like songs from a siren,

hurricanes from the past.
And I am a failure,
defeated every time,
so let me lie here,
a sidewalk for a shrine.

I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
Dear God be my savior,
I wait for you.

My broken spirit,
is trembling slow.
Park bench for a throne now,
my blanket is the snow.
And I'm being haunted,
by long forgotten dreams,
for hurricanes have,
the bluest eyes I've ever seen.

I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
Dear God be my savior,
I wait for you.

I am pining for your mercy,
for this storm to break,
Lord you are my comfort,
the hope for which I wait.

I hate seeing this part of me...this self righteous...insecure bastard who hurts so many...all in the name of doing good...God...what can I do?

Lord, what the Hell am I doing?

*twitch*

It is much pass time for me to escape from this lie...this false reality...

Am I...here?

Crashing.

Crash.

Boom.

I'm...addicted to...addicted to...this and this and this...can live without you but can't live without you...I'm addicted...addicted to this...

Note to self: STFHU

Hi.

Hole

I wish I could scream and cleanse my soul,
make reparations for this life.
Hypocrisy gasping for air
while sinking further into my hole,
this place I dug for myself
to hide from the light
and dare You to return.

"So very alone,
So far from home.
He has no home,
he is alone."

It's like...I can reach everything I want...except...'that'...that one thing out of reach...that I'm unable to manipulate myself to...or steal...or destroy out of jealousy.

Sometimes I think life would be much more easier if I was blind to this...need...this line of thought...God...this pain even...vividly...it is there.

God just let me throw up already and get it over with.

I don't like feeling...

Moonlight, Midnight

Midnight.
Pale Moonlight.
You are but a mere reflection,
burning not of yourself
but by the means of another.
Barren motion bathing this land,
casting soft lies,
pale reflection upon a visage of pale reflection.

I walk this land in knowing,
truth in absolutes
with reality bound by constructs
limited in interaction and truth.

I speak in pale parables
seeking embellishment of my life
when all I've ever spoke is lies
and all I have done is stumble.

Messiah, little Lamb,
doth my words fall on deaf ears?
Love via pain,
Shams revealed in pale moon light
and all I have ever said is held tight.
False solace I have found in this pale moonlight
and in your eyes I see a growing fire.

Fire burning.
Fire of resolved.
Fire of love.

Moonlight is the reflection,
a pale imitation seeking salvation
never knowing
it is locked forever in eternity's embrace,
elliptical and repetitious,
endless in pursuing itself.

It is these eyes,
this fire that warms my cold blood.
This love that awakens a soul
that was forever lost
in this pale cold light.
Heated only by dying coals,
silence spreading this ill boded plight.

It was these eyes that gave me hope,
You are the One who gave breath to these lungs
and whose love
causes this heart to beat twice as fast
whenever You pass by.
What fragments remained
You gathered and held.
Mending,
Loving,
Restoring,
giving and rebirthing
this frail life.
Peeling back layer after lie
and remaining faithful
despite my frailty
and the fragility of this Heart.

You broke this stone,
You ripped aparts the curtain,
severing the grand lie
and crossed this impossible ocean.

All while pale moonlight bathes the ground,
reflecting the grass
and in the water.
But it is Your eyes I see,
the fire that brought me to life,
once again.

*sigh*

I'm supposed to love you...to forgive and support you...but of everyone of everything that has happened...I hate you the most.

I despise you...death would never be sufficient for a worthless waste of human life that you are in every moment of every day.

Your continual existence is a plague, a splinter in my mind that will never let me rest.

Goodness...I miss my muse...

beautiful music

Red Heart Deficient

I am this incessant drip
I am the lonely creep
I am the tears you never weep
and I am the every subtle rip
being a tear in your soul.

Every single slip of the soul
letting you know
that this hole
letting the voices fall and echo
reverberating through your vertebra.

Echo and scream
just letting you be
swallowed pride
and false dreams.

I'm sick, sick
so very sick.
Your voice chills my spine
and the lipstick
just makes sick.

Red in sight,
red in mind
with little thought to go.
White clouds,
pale lace of the divine
just make life
this life
so much more of a decline.

Sick,
so very sick.
I'll never know these words
because my mind is stolen,
just like my heart being blurred
and these false words that never begun.

I can hide in this crevice
and pray You pass by,
destroying all of this
passing by in Holy fury
and letting Your voice,
still and silent
just pass by.

Just for the record,
I hate what this has begun
what this all has become.
What good, what may be worth it,
I haven't seen.
This insufficient life
is not enough exchange for the pain.

I am.
I am me.
Neither saint nor demon.
Simply me.

Good God where does it end?

Dear God...let my words be few and not the ones that lead to evil...protect them.

One day I may learn how to stop meddling.

Jonah 1 Notes

http://www.keyway.ca/htm2002/ancassy.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonah
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Jonah


1-2 One day long ago, God's Word came to Jonah, Amittai's son: "Up on your feet and on your way to the big city of Nineveh! Preach to them. They're in a bad way and I can't ignore it any longer."

-The Word of God coming...akin to spiritual conviction...also in reading, hearing and the need for application.
-The sins and crimes of the Assyrian empire were apparently great, so much so that they were being warned to repent...turn away from their sins...conquering and enslaving.
-Blind political support for a government being bad...governments are made of people, fallible, sinful people in need of God's love.
-At what point was Nineveh destroyed after this fact?
-Preach to them...to the people...bring the message of God's love, Holy perfect love which demands we abandon our selfish pursuit or something bigger...something higher...more profound...more beautiful then what we could ever hope to achieve on our own.

-----

3 But Jonah got up and went the other direction to Tarshish, running away from God. He went down to the port of Joppa and found a ship headed for Tarshish. He paid the fare and went on board, joining those going to Tarshish—as far away from God as he could get.

-Jonah heard God speak...heard the voice and ran. He was trying to head as far as geographically possible from the Assyrian's.
-Why did he run? Fear of those who conquered the Northern Kingdom? Fear of death? Being mocked and executed for daring to strut into the capital of those who were repressing his people?
-A Moses Jonah was not.
-As a general rule, racism against Gentiles was high from the religious Jewish perspective...this idea that God chose the Jews and damn the rest of the world.
-Was it from Jonah's perspective that this was a suicide/instant martyrdom ticket from God? In Jonah's mind...'Why was God telling him to go to such a disgusting, subhuman people? Why has God abandoned His people to such a heathen people? Why would I preach that they should repent before they are destroyed?"

-----

4-6 But God sent a huge storm at sea, the waves towering.
The ship was about to break into pieces. The sailors were terrified. They called out in desperation to their gods. They threw everything they were carrying overboard to lighten the ship. Meanwhile, Jonah had gone down into the hold of the ship to take a nap. He was sound asleep. The captain came to him and said, "What's this? Sleeping! Get up! Pray to your god! Maybe your god will see we're in trouble and rescue us."

-A contrast with Jesus sleeping on the boat in Luke 8:22-25
-Another ship with experienced sailors terrified for their lives and the prophet that is on the boat with them is sleeping through the storm.

-----

7 Then the sailors said to one another, "Let's get to the bottom of this. Let's draw straws to identify the culprit on this ship who's responsible for this disaster."
So they drew straws. Jonah got the short straw.

-Lot casting to determine 'who did it'.
-Drawing lots could be looked as being akin to an attempt to entice the divine to speak on various issues.
-How often do we turn on each other like rabid animals, accusing each other of being a bigger sinner...and somehow the cause of God's wrath at every small point in life?
-Is God simply attempting to punish and kill those who are in the wrong?
-Is God concerned simply with morality for its own sake? Cross reference with Matthew 9: 9-13 ...where are we in this mess? Are we making storms, egging the storms on or are we listening to those in pain...those panicking and without hope?

-----

8 Then they grilled him: "Confess. Why this disaster? What is your work? Where do you come from? What country? What family?"

-I get this picture in my head of the 'Life Boat' Donald Miller is talking about in "Searching for God Knows What"...this religious little tug boat where people are fighting to shove one another overboard...rights and lefts...conservative and liberals...these silly and unneeded squabbles over who God loves more...who will be first in the Kingdom...see Luke 9:46-56
-There is sad irony in that those called to Love and sacrifice all...are the first to attack, to kill and devour our own for the slightest advantage.

-----

9 He told them, "I'm a Hebrew. I worship God, the God of heaven who made sea and land."

10 At that, the men were frightened, really frightened, and said, "What on earth have you done!" As Jonah talked, the sailors realized that he was running away from God.

11 They said to him, "What are we going to do with you—to get rid of this storm?" By this time the sea was wild, totally out of control.

-It sort of feels like as soon as we find a problem...our first thought is covering it up, burning it and throwing it out. What if we stopped the scramble over who is number one...and focused on *why* things are so bad...the problems are spiritual and with out nature...and with all the REAL problems in the world do we actually need polarizing statements and derogatory attitudes which will just cause distractions from the real problems at hand?
-Yes...we're on a sinking raft...AIDS, cancer, depression and addiction are rampant...what has changed since Jesus walked? The only thing I have found is an increase in the numbers...there has never been a 'good old time' because every person...every honest person is broken and needs life restored and life given again.
-Do we Christians actually believe God made the universe? Both the physical and spiritual reams? Do we sincerely believe EVERY human life is worth while? At what point do we start placing value on humans, on love and exchanging it like some cheap stock market? At what point does the belief in the Divine lead to action? At least something MORE than a thinly veiled attempt at sincerity.

-----

12 Jonah said, "Throw me overboard, into the sea. Then the storm will stop. It's all my fault. I'm the cause of the storm. Get rid of me and you'll get rid of the storm."

13 But no. The men tried rowing back to shore. They made no headway. The storm only got worse and worse, wild and raging.

14 Then they prayed to God, "O God! Don't let us drown because of this man's life, and don't blame us for his death. You are God. Do what you think is best."

-Actual responsibility?
-Stupid decisions lead to people getting hurt. Everyone makes them...confessing them and owning up to imperfections is hard as Hell because it means risking respect, honor and letting people know we are just like them.
-There is this heavy degree of arrogance that exists in ministry...this attempt to separate those 'called' to ministry and those who prefer to sit in the church pew for when Jesus comes back and He is going to want a warm seat. Where is the resolve to throw these things away...and chase authenticity...?

-----

15 They took Jonah and threw him overboard. Immediately the sea was quieted down.

16 The sailors were impressed, no longer terrified by the sea, but in awe of God. They worshiped God, offered a sacrifice, and made vows.

-Accidental serving God...it feels like genuine ministry happens by accident...that our approaches are so lame, so lacking in sincerity that it takes God working in spite of us to have someone realize the implications of Christ and the cross.
-Love requires sacrifice...and somehow God uses our mistakes to do good.
-These sailors would never have known of God without Jonah deciding to run away.
-Being used in spite of our best efforts to prove God wrong.

-----

17 Then God assigned a huge fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the fish's belly three days and nights.
-Jesus mentioned a 'sign of Jonah', see Matthew 12:38-45
-Jesus being that sign? In the grave for three days...?

Jonah 1

1-2 One day long ago, God's Word came to Jonah, Amittai's son: "Up on your feet and on your way to the big city of Nineveh! Preach to them. They're in a bad way and I can't ignore it any longer." 3 But Jonah got up and went the other direction to Tarshish, running away from God. He went down to the port of Joppa and found a ship headed for Tarshish. He paid the fare and went on board, joining those going to Tarshish—as far away from God as he could get.

4-6 But God sent a huge storm at sea, the waves towering.

The ship was about to break into pieces. The sailors were terrified. They called out in desperation to their gods. They threw everything they were carrying overboard to lighten the ship. Meanwhile, Jonah had gone down into the hold of the ship to take a nap. He was sound asleep. The captain came to him and said, "What's this? Sleeping! Get up! Pray to your god! Maybe your god will see we're in trouble and rescue us."

7 Then the sailors said to one another, "Let's get to the bottom of this. Let's draw straws to identify the culprit on this ship who's responsible for this disaster."

So they drew straws. Jonah got the short straw.

8 Then they grilled him: "Confess. Why this disaster? What is your work? Where do you come from? What country? What family?"

9 He told them, "I'm a Hebrew. I worship God, the God of heaven who made sea and land."

10 At that, the men were frightened, really frightened, and said, "What on earth have you done!" As Jonah talked, the sailors realized that he was running away from God.

11 They said to him, "What are we going to do with you—to get rid of this storm?" By this time the sea was wild, totally out of control.

12 Jonah said, "Throw me overboard, into the sea. Then the storm will stop. It's all my fault. I'm the cause of the storm. Get rid of me and you'll get rid of the storm."

13 But no. The men tried rowing back to shore. They made no headway. The storm only got worse and worse, wild and raging.

14 Then they prayed to God, "O God! Don't let us drown because of this man's life, and don't blame us for his death. You are God. Do what you think is best."

15 They took Jonah and threw him overboard. Immediately the sea was quieted down.

16 The sailors were impressed, no longer terrified by the sea, but in awe of God. They worshiped God, offered a sacrifice, and made vows.

17 Then God assigned a huge fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the fish's belly three days and nights.

What now?

Degenerative Heart

The words are write...these things aren't right, they are mere perceptions hiding in the realm of smoke and mirrors.

I hate what I have become.

I need to cut the cancer out but I'm afraid it'll take my heart.

If I could I would run away from this place, from everyone I have even known and go into exile. Find a desert cave and pray for death. Looking in the mirror and seeing how false, how fake I am when I claim to carry and champion Truth...I don't know if it's the disease but I just want to vomit.

This is going to take some serious thought...serious...so serious...

More worry.

Worry.

I used to have such qualms about the whole doctrine of total depravity...but more and more each day do I see this living death running through my veins...like all the years of my life are just pushing down on me.

I hate these feelings...it's like...I breath and exhale toxin...the Love isn't based on who I should be but who I am...so why do I find it so hard to just accept it? Why do I have to live and die based upon my performances?

I'm so sick.
Sick of the lies and false parables,
bile rushing from my heart.

Such superfluous, such archaic, such viable vile things revolve around...giving birth to lies...fables...myths of self security...lies that everything will regain its status quo like nature...sick, so sick, so very sick.

It is cutting deep, so deep and red.

...well...that just made me feel worse...I hate being human...I feel so...dirty...so limited...so disgusting...I hate this.

All, all of this.

Encore?

Anyone?

All this reminds me...I hate life.

Away to band practice number two!

"Kamikaze, my death is gain
I've been marked by my Maker
A peculiar display
The high and lofty, they see me as weak
Cause I won't live and die for the power they seek"
- dc Talk, "Jesus Freak"

"Sure Shot" - The OC Supertones

I wanna do the right thing.
I wanna be the sure shot.
I wanna have my mind straight.
I wanna have my point got.
I wanna be a good man,
I wanna have my act down.
I wanna be the future
and I wanna be right now.

Sometimes I feel
like I can change the world.
But I don't know where to start.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart.

I wanna see a life change.
I wanna see a new man.
I wanna fight the good fight.
I wanna take the right stand.
I wanna be like Jesus.
I wanna pour my heart out.
I wanna pick my cross up.
I wanna hear the mob shout.

I'm wide awake
and thinking about the cross,
the Trinity apart.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart.

"Unknown" - The O.C. Supertones

Killin' ourselves faster than fast
Livin' in the future, livin' in the past
I haven't always been in Christ
I know what you're goin' through, man
A couple of years ago I was just like you
Lookin' for answers, but lookin' to myself
Thinkin' that Christians just love Jesus for their health

But, I didn't know about Jesus
I tried to be like God, but when I tried I failed
And every time I fail, and fail
I know I rail a nail straight into the cross of Jesus
Straight into the wrist of Jesus
And now it's 1996, a hard year to be a Godly man
It seems the more I speak The Word, the less they understand
You gotta know about Jesus

A lot of rage from hearing a few words.

God, I just hate you so much, so very very much.

Inspiration?

Please?

The Red Mage needs sleep...badly...

Solidarity, Bloodshed, and Iranian Tears of Rage

I just saw a stranger be shot and killed on the news.

A young Iranian lady.

For speaking her mind.

A part of me is infinitely filled with rage over such stupid and needless violence. What part of Hell does someone have to be filled with that they get their jollies by repressing, censoring and killing their own people?

I'm sick to my stomach with sympathy for the people in Iran.
They are standing for their rights just like the kids at Tiananmen Square did.
Like those who were a part of the solidarity movement in Poland.

Like most Americans I do not know a lot about Iranian politics and I'm trying to educate myself...and so I've been following blogs, twitter accounts and the news networks. There has been a rage bubbling and it is on the verge of exploding into something deadly. People are already dead and it seems one way or the other more blood will be spilled.

I can't endorse violence for any reason. The Jesus I follow teaches to turn the other cheek and to love your enemy to the point of death. It is not easy but fighting violence with violence only gives them fuel for their fires of evil.

I know someone somewhere is thinking "Gee Matthew, calm down. You can't do anything, just pray about it and do something else."

I cannot and will not just calm down.

This goes beyond something as simple principle, it goes beyond mere obligation...it is the duty and responsibility of anyone claiming the title of Christian to scream at the top of their lungs when they see injustice like this.

Evil prevails only because we are too lazy, too scared and too apathetic to give a damn about anyone besides ourselves.

But this isn't about me, my anger issues, any attack on a group of Christians...it is me throwing my voice in with a growing group of those exhausted of this duplicitous life.

I'm a Christian, some sort of slightly bearded vagabond minister with a lot of fears and failures under my belt. I feel one of my biggest problems (coincidentally shared with most every human being) is that of dealing with the monster of self. The part of our souls that demand instant gratification, that demands we take the front seat in the life boat of life, the hunger and desire to satisfy at the cost of others...this sick nature that the best title I've found is the "sinful nature" of man.

I hate religious cliches like the plague but that is the best label I have found for it and most important it that it is true. It's this nature that bogs me down with stupid things like games, music, caffeine, sugar, lust, impatience, pain killers and whatever else I can get myself addicted to. The race in the American life is to see who can numb out the fastest for the longest time.

If someone is actually serious about this whole Jesus thing then this is inexcusable. This apathy is what drives me absolutely insane about the American church...but at the end of the day I do the exact same thing. We're comfortably numb and are going to be held accountable for our inaction over so much social injustice.

There was a point in the New Testament when the religious scholars, their literary lawyers that knew the Law of Moses, met together to talk. These Law spewing egotists were upset because some ragtag uncertificated Rabbi by the name of Jesus was gathering a large following. From time to time these leaders would make some effort where they would try to trick Jesus into saying something blasphemous so they could stone Him on the spot.

The following quotation is from the middle of one of those debates:

"When the Pharisees heard how he had bested the Sadducees, they gathered their forces for an assault. One of their religion scholars spoke for them, posing a question they hoped would show him up: "Teacher, which command in God's Law is the most important?"

Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them.""
-Matthew 22:34-40



I find it ironic that the most concise summation of the entire purpose of God, Jesus, the Bible and life in general was given to the most educatied men of the day and they just huffed and puffed over it...as if showing love was this conditional and quantifiable substance that was to be held back from 'sinners' and other bad people. As if it is too much effort for me to show sympathy towards drunks, drug addicts, sex addicts, those of other religions and learning how to forgive myself. As if I don't love others as much as I love to love myself.

This is such a struggle for me.

What do I do with this?

Fast and prayer for the Iranian's suffering. Sending emails to encourage those I've met online. Being open to wherever the call is leading. Having an invisible best friend who also happens to the creator of the Cosmos does come with a few good perks. Chief of those being faith, hope and love; love being the chief quality that ties all of these together and binds our hearts to one another.

So...another prayer for you Iran.
For the persecuted Church worldwide.
For the sex addicts, perverts rejected by both society and church.
For the woman selling her body to feed her children.
For those suffering with cancer and aids.
For us to get up off our knees.
For the need for peace.

Dear Jesus, we need this peace.

Please.

"While The Nations Rage" - Rich Mullins

"Jesus said whatever you do to the least of these my brothers you’ve done it to me. And this is what I’ve come to think. That if I want to identify fully with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my savior and Lord, the best way that I can do that is to identify with the poor. This I know will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they’re just wrong. They’re not bad, they’re just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little children in a beautiful little house where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken."
-Rich Mullins

What a night...I wonder if I can destroy anything else before I head to bed...

"Baba O'Riley" - The Who

My worry levels just increased by tenfold.

Thank you internet, thank you very much.

Purple Irises

I'm not even sure why or how but I'm here.

I hate this day.

I mean, I hate the majority of the holidays but this one I loathe especially.

Earlier on the TV I heard a lady speaking about how it is hard for some people to believe God is good because they have had terrible fathers, I find the opposite to be true: God is so good that I can't picture any human male being able to supply love that could echo of something so grand.

I feel like I am running to just keep still, to be able to stand in one place...no time to breath or rest...I relive the memories at a hundred miles per hour...the images ripping through my mind and my eyes...stealing my breath and ripping what remains of my heart.

This is...it makes it hard for me to pray.

I can't think.

I can't breath.

I need to know you love me, I need to know I am not just the sum total of a vastly improbable mathematical equation...I need what I can't give myself...what no one else I can...I need to know you are proud of me, I need to know you love me.

If you can't love me how could I ever begin to love myself?

I look in the mirror and see the villian that has done nothing but cause pain these twenty plus years...and where are you?

I see the shadow of you...the merest flecks of gold...just on the edge of my vision...these lost thoughts and memories...pricking my veins like a drug...a narcotic I'm addicted to...the only salvation is in your eyes, the love I never knew and never will.

U2 and Catalyst in the same week?

Dear Lord I may die of joy overload.

Easy to be lost in a crowd of people...and to just not care...

Feel like...like...I'm going crazy...

I may be home again...but no bed, no sleep or rest for the weary...work must be done...

Home Again

"As all things come to an end, even this story, a day came at last when they were in sight of the country where...(he)...had been born and bred, where the shapes of the land and of the trees were as well known to him as his hands and toes."
-'The Hobbit', JRR Tolkien

I am back home.

For now.

I have little intention of remaining here much longer if I can help it.

This morning an unexpected door was slammed open and if these dreams....these dreams we dare to dream...can truly come then September the first will act as a catalyst...a beginning...a door that stepping through will send me to the next part of my life.

It was an amazing few days on the road...serving and learning old lessons again. It felt like being wrapped in the arms of eternity...an eternity that came to an end to quickly.

All that remains is this door...this door which may open...and the thoughts.

Oh my, the thoughts.

"I lie here paralytic
Inside this soul
Screaming for you till my throat is numb
I wanna break out
I need a way out
I don’t believe that it’s gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this womb I’m suffocating

Feel your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I’ve died
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love wanna live for You and me
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
Rebirthing now
I Wanna live my life wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
-"Rebirthing", Skillet

I don't know where this may go...and if this is the wrong path...quiet my lips and humble me...break my legs, my arms and my back so that I may not bring forth shame...instead help me to leave this, my shame...my pride and this ego of needing attention behind.

It's lines in the sand...filled with blood by the Lamb slain from the foundation of this world...to right the wrongs of this fallen world...chief of whom is...

I needed oxygen...I was drowning in the waves of sorrow...of doubt and You rescued me. You took me by the hand and placed me on this rock. You gave me lips to sing and placed a new song in my heart, many will see, many will hear and fear.

How long?
How long?

The beginning always leads to an end which inevitably must be a new beginning...a new sunrise, a new song, a new reason to breath, a new reason to step forward into this life you have given me.

I'm wanting and aching to go to that fringe.
To see You standing in the cold and needing the help that...ironically enough only You can give.
You do enjoy Your paradoxes now, don't You?

Burn.
Now.
Please.
Leave no stone unturned, leave no crevice unchecked as long as daylight prevails.

""Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

"Don't be flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege.

"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

"Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God's Law and Prophets and this is what you get.""
-Matthew 7:1-12

Goodbye for Now

Time is fleeting.

This man made construct by which we attempt to give meaning to events...and to further govern our lives...it races and twists.

My time with this group is rapidly running out...it has been an odd but amazing experience.


"Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Pity the nation that won’t listen to your boys and girls
‘Cos the sweetest melody is the one we haven’t heard
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear
The right to appear ridiculous is something I hold dear
Oh, but a change of heart comes slow

It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain
As you start out the climb
Listen for me, I’ll be shouting
We’re gonna make it all the way to the light
But you now I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight"
-U2, "I'll Go Crazy if I Don't Go Crazy Tonight"


Where do I...we...all of us go from here?

I believe not just because I want or need to...I have no choice. I gave that up when I signed up at nine years old. Asking God to come in, interfere and transfer this Jack Pollock painting esque mess of my life into something much more clear is a blessing as much as it is a burden...a beautiful burden and one that weighs so much less than the trivial games people love to play with time.

There is a sweetness that I found by living in community with these strangers...our common goal was what we believed...but it broke down some walls...the scary part would be to make this lasting...to make the relationships continue...to push past the rocky areas and learn to...love.

It has been...a learning experience...and it should...should continue...

""Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!

"You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can't worship God and Money both.

"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
-Matthew 6:19-34

Shades on the Desert Afternoon

"I met a lonely man in the desert, the traveling priest, Nicholas D. Wolfwood. He smiled, and then he told me that I’m a troubled man. Faced with his all-seeing smile, there was nothing I could say in my defense. Did I meet this man because I was destined to? Or was it simply by a small jest of God? The man’s name is Nicholas D. Wolfwood, a traveling priest I met in the desert."

-Vash The Stampede, 'Trigun'


I think one of the biggest determinants to the reputation of Jesus that we Christians do is our know it all judgemental attitudes.

I was told earlier that I am a pessimist and I won't argue that label.

I can't.

I am.

I also think I am a realist who has an inability to turn his mind off and just 'enjoy'.

I don't do it to annoy people because I do know it bothers people, I am just me. I try to be loving and I fail, I try to be more empathetic towards those I live around...and God is it hard. I find it harder still to just put a positive spin on something as vital as understanding Truth.

Faith is understandable in action, action that is prefaced by studying, carried out in love and finished with questioning everything.

No one is ever happy, things are either too complicated, too simple, too religious, too irreverent, too bad, too good, too holy, too disgusting...and it goes on and on. Every day of my life I spew the same garbage of lies I tell myself so I can sleep at night and foster this false belief that I can stay afloat on my ego alone.

I mean, everyone does this.

We lie to ourselves, lie to each other and to God; the absolute pathetic thing is the person we only fool is ourselves.

The number of people I know who only get satisfaction out of living out another life...by some means or another...is scary...how often am I so afraid of reality that I can't take a small step forward?

There is this phobia of true commitment to others, to this idea of finding my purpose and identity in Jesus alone...it's more of feeling shame that I still believe this insane crap twelve years later...and I still haven't given into the concept of abusing it for exploitation reasons.

I have conversations like that now that I think about it...what the hell is wrong with people? What does it matter what I believe if you don't even know what you believe or more importantly *why* you believe it?

The problem, the problem is me.

Ego.

I.

This idea that people are hear to revolve around me and to somehow bow down to me. That the only person that matters is me.

It's safe to say any good I've done was by sheer accident or proof there is an infinite One that still has an interest in taking part of a broken and finite race called man.

I hate falling into these repeating cycles of beating myself up...because that isn't the point. My point is that all of us are broken and that the only way things can improve is by fixing it.

I don't throw out Jesus' name because I hate sounding like I'm trying to sell a stupid shirt. He is more than a quick fix, more than a way of getting high and forgetting life, more than this positive, more than this negative...He is.

That is about all I can say and still remain my integrity.

How does one paint the picture of how the Infinite Truth stepped down and took on the shell of a human?

Most days I want to check myself into an insane asylum.

Partly because of how much I fear people but also because of how insane my beliefs sound to myself...but I've been sharing, singing and acting on it the past couple of days. It has been exhausting, frustrating but so much...more then I can put into words. I try to just talk about it plain...but so much gets in the way...so many hopes, fears, doubts belief...and life.

But His love is carrying me just has it has all these years...where it goes...I know not but I know I must follow...cross and all.
"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.

Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father."
-Philippians 2:1-11

You Are So Beautiful Tonight...

I slept and it was well all things considered.

My thoughts are bleeding all over the place...hope...unrest...desire...longing...all these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings...they have names but they are not.

It's like the days flow...so well so overlapping...with transitions in all sorts of colors.

It's going to be a slower day...only one show and then painting some wheel chair ramps.

It should be slow but in a good way.


But some questions remain...

Where is this going?
How are You in this?
What about pain?
What about my friend?

It irks my beyond comprehension...that it doesn't seem that You hear the prayers being spoken for her...is this it? Someone without real knowledge of You? What does it take to motivate You to speak to someone?

I know things are complicated...but it hurts to see someone who doesn't know the Truth...and that you the Truth indeed.

It is true I doubt a lot and have little confidence...but God...I am Yours and You are mine...this impossible mixture of the divine courting and cultivating the love of a shallow and broken being.

"Soul, what's wrong?
Why are you troubled here within me?
Deep inside my heart, my soul, what's wrong?
So my God I do not see why You forgive me
Do You need me? Am I wise? Am I strong?
So Why, so why, so why, so why?

Why do You even love me?
Why do You even care?
Why should You think of me?
Oh my God, I'll never know. It's
Unconditional love, Unconditional love, Unconditional love,
The grace flood

Take my hand and lead me further up within here
Deep inside Your heart, With in your soul
On my knees as I crawl steady up the incline
The glory of Your face and I can't stand."
-The OC Supertones, "Grace Flood"

Help me to believe...to know...I feel so tired...so weak and shallow...help me to find this water I need...this fire to burn and keep me alive when I am stranded in this Wilderness...

...if you want a broken and needy heart...here it is...

I need to drink this water in as Life, I need the Logos present...the burning hope...something outside but in...You know how it is.

I try.
I fail.
I doubt.
I cry.
I hurt.

But then You are something more...somehow...beyond self...beyond life...this inexpressible...this impossibly wonderful...but still...You hide...why?

You bridge the gap between the possible and impossible...do it once again.

Please.

In a real way...save the life of the one I pray for...give mercy to my ungrateful heart...teach me to be humble...rip this apart.

Screw holding onto this fake dignity and the shame of being a born again hypocrite, living in this rotting shell for my life.

I don't care.

"The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you"


"The Word was first,
the Word present to God,
God present to the Word.
The Word was God,
in readiness for God from day one.

Everything was created through him;
nothing—not one thing!—
came into being without him.
What came into existence was Life,
and the Life was Light to live by.
The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness;
the darkness couldn't put it out.

There once was a man, his name John, sent by God to point out the way to the Life-Light. He came to show everyone where to look, who to believe in. John was not himself the Light; he was there to show the way to the Light.

The Life-Light was the real thing:
Every person entering Life
he brings into Light.
He was in the world,
the world was there through him,
and yet the world didn't even notice.
He came to his own people,
but they didn't want him.
But whoever did want him,
who believed he was who he claimed
and would do what he said,
He made to be their true selves,
their child-of-God selves.
These are the God-begotten,
not blood-begotten,
not flesh-begotten,
not sex-begotten.

The Word became flesh and blood,
and moved into the neighborhood.
We saw the glory with our own eyes,
the one-of-a-kind glory,
like Father, like Son,
Generous inside and out,
true from start to finish.

John pointed him out and called, "This is the One! The One I told you was coming after me but in fact was ahead of me. He has always been ahead of me, has always had the first word."

We all live off his generous bounty,
gift after gift after gift.
We got the basics from Moses,
and then this exuberant giving and receiving,
This endless knowing and understanding—
all this came through Jesus, the Messiah.
No one has ever seen God,
not so much as a glimpse.
This one-of-a-kind God-Expression,
who exists at the very heart of the Father,
has made him plain as day."

-John 1:1-18

I must admit I like that Muse-centric idea.

So freaking exhausted...I'm not sure this was such a good idea...burning hot and not real chance to be alone for some thinking...plus I stupidly took my medication too soon...so I'm so freaking sleepy.

I suppose there is a tiny bit of irony in that we're going to the Space and Rocket Center tomorrow.

Space Robot Five...is he alive?

Maybe...

So far so good or so they say.

On the Road

I've missed this feeling.

Waking up at the early hour, driving to some location that I have never seen.

The surreal feeling of waking up and seeing a different location...a different skyline then the limited view from my window.

The chatter of youth and the random videos on the screen are my background music.

Eating food I'll never taste again and seeing faces that will never be mine to see again.

Singing songs...born from this insipid force of the human spirit...aching and longing for a higher ground...a higher order...to push beyond the trappings of this flesh and touch the infintite...even if it is just for a fleeting moment.


Somehow You are here.

In the faces of the infirmed, the eldery and those who minds have long since left this world...You are there.

You are in the voices as we sing together, pushing against the impossible odds of this life.

You are there in my shyness and my dorky moments of social awkwardness.

You are in the hearts of these youth...who sing...wheter they realize the impossible bridge every note hopes to feel...YOU are there.

How do you capture so much in a single moment?

I wasn't intending on going on any trip.

Last night at midnight I got the call you sent from an old friend...and now...there are connections being formed in ways that only You could have predicted.

What is this?
Where are things going?

I didn't expect to see my old friend...for things to be so different...but still the same. Same old jokes, same old movie references, same biting humor...but a different heart...in ways.

What did You think when you crafted this day?
The stop off at Calera, the stop over at UAB and now in Huntsville...singing to the infirm and to the old...and soon for a church.
Where were Your thoughts at creation when You looked at time and saw me writing this?

How is this going?
Where am I going?

What are these offers?
These desperate longings of my heart?

Where am I going tomorrow?
I ask You again and again...where this pain...these paths will lead and You will not relent in silence...just that the next step is sufficient.

Seeing the face of the elderly today...seeing their faces creased with life and ravaged by age. Seeing those who have been handicapped for so many years, unable to speak in words we understood...where is this in Your plan? How do you make such things work for good?

Is it true ignorance is bliss? That the blue pill of Chyperism is true beyond the realm of digitalized code?

You heard our voices...was it pleasing?

Is my life anything worth keeping in Your hands?

I have so many questions with no answer from You...and it hurts.

We sing of love...Your word says Love...but where is it in silence?

I *cannot* live on words alone...just this bread...I need vitalizing water...my soul purged of this filth and filled with the Life, the Light that You have promised.

"Think straight. Awaken to the holiness of life. No more playing fast and loose with resurrection facts. Ignorance of God is a luxury you can't afford in times like these. Aren't you embarrassed that you've let this kind of thing go on as long as you have?"
-1 Corinthians 15:34

I'm not used to getting offers I can't refuse...much less ones that take me out of the house and are a small hop across state lines.

I'll be gone for a while.

A few days.

Nice.

Freedom.

The Falseness of sincerity unnerves me to say the least.

"Stabbing Art To Death" - Showbread

Yes Father.

You inspire me to sing to You.

It takes someone with incredible shallow personality issues to have to assert their authority by hitting a tied animal.

I have a migraine forming, why can't I just go to bed?

...still feel like I'm going crazy...almost like I was up and outside of myself at this point...

Feelings and emotions with no real name...there is a need for a Muse to help me out...

Nothing to hide except everything.

I almost feel sick...from just missing...missing a sort of...certain...undeniable...unpresentable sentiments and thoughts which are screaming....yes....

Die.

Now.

Please?

That makes me feel physically sick.

"Carnival of Souls" - Saviour Machine

I hate this part of me that is of animals.
It embodies a pig.

I miss a dream in which there was muse.

Red

Loosing my soul,
loosing my mind.
Everything I had
is just this pile of ash.
Nothing more and nevermore,
let this soul burn free
and simply explode.

Into your mind,
behind your eyes
pressing deep
not letting your heart beat skip
just long enough to see
and feel once again.

"Space Robot 5" - Brave Saint Saturn

So far, so good, or so they say from mission control,
The deep of space is no place for a fragile human soul.
The rockets burn as servos click and turn,
and fall into their place.
Robots can't cry,
don't laugh,
can't die,
In the darkness of space.
He is strong, made of steel with the graphite lining,
Watch his eyes flicker slow like the batteries are dying.

Space Robot 5,
Is he alive?
So very alone,
So far from home.

Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry.

Space Robot 5,
Is he alive?
So very alone,
So far from home.

"No reason to get excited, the thief kindly spoke..."

Another morning...another day.

Annoying ticking that never ceases.

It was nice to be somewhere this morning and to feel apart of something outside of myself...I guess it's because we have this silly notion of the need of utter self sufficiency...when no one can make it own their own.

Just another sad song in an endless stack of tired ballads that Dylan wouldn't even touch.

What is this longing?
Deeper than life?
Hotter than flame?

Merest inklings of another world pressing deep and in such an uncomfortable way that it sets people on the defensive...and that is when it is when thoughts concern it are properly executed.

People speak of the infinite in such finite terms that they do not begin to grasp what the think they are sensing. I am no different from my predecessors who were nothing more than stumbling blocks preventing people from knowing that Veritas, that ἀλήθεια is truly You.

Everything and nothing...summarized in such a way that it underscore the beautiful horror.

Absolutes so vivid that they reduce human based understanding to the base animalistic core that everyone is content to reside at.



"What then is truth? A movable host of metaphors, metonymies, and; anthropomorphisms: in short, a sum of human relations which have been poetically and rhetorically intensified, transferred, and embellished, and which, after long usage, seem to a people to be fixed, canonical, and binding."
-Friedrich Nietzsche



"I am made of parts that freeze and ligaments that atrophy
Though they look they’ll never see
They don’t know something’s wrong with me
And just as well, I’ll never tell what’s underneath the scales
I’ve worn to thin to honor you, my every effort fails
So bury me with Israel and cover up my tracks
Leave not a trace of what I was, I’m never coming back
And if you’re mercy falls upon he whose blood is cold
Unearth me with your hands of love and never break your hold"
-Showbread

Good morning soul.

Not having anyone close by...it's starting to feel...a bit like college again...

That was an unexpected fourteen hour nap.

Ah blargh.

It would be unexpectedly nice if I didn't feel like this was...about to be...it...the snap, the last one...


Vivid nightmares bleeding into daytime landscapes.
Blurring the edge long enough for it to slip in
and feeling it rend my heart.

So physically sick...that...did not help...things...

Twitch.

Why?

It never gets old unless you are that one.

But saying so isn't considered polite.

Words cannot describe this...rage...these feelings...this unrest...my unraveling...

I hate life and wish it was possible to will myself elsewhere...or at least dead.

Or just a bottle of aspirin.

That was a slight disappointment.

Away to band practice!!!

I feel so much like thawed out death.

Jesus...any kind of help...please?

I want to quit.

So much.

I must wonder...what am I getting myself into?

Time, Time Again

Just hearing this song...reminds me of you.
That lovely spring day.
Driving.
Feeling life is a bore
against the smell of the ocean.
Cries of gulls.
The future looming ahead,
reality knocking on the door.
Life living in full motion
while remembering every moment,
just a thought ahead
and a moment I'll hold.

"Age of Reptiles/Insects" - Showbread

I am made of parts that freeze and ligaments that atrophy
Though they look they'll never see
They don't know something's wrong with me
And just as well, I'll never tell what's underneath the scales
I've worn to thin to honor you, my every effort fails
Bury me with Israel and cover up my tracks
Leave not a trace of what I was, I'm never coming back
And if you're mercy falls upon he whose blood is cold
Unearth me with your hands of love and never break your hold

The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you

Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Suck the venom from every bite and vomit every drop
Some of us may bite your hand but some of us will not
And every knee will bow before you, each forked tongue confess
My selfishness will rot in me and I will seek your rest
Still some lizards flee from you, ashamed of all they've been
So Jesus take myself from me, never bring it back again

The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you

The world is full of ones like me, who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed, the truth is only you
The world will soon become extinct, the age will pass away
And all will know that you are God, hallowed be your name

Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Forgive the basilisk, forgive the moccasins and adders too
Have mercy on each alligator that never lived for you
I myself hatched from an egg, no white light from above
Just another ancient serpent that never earned your love
But still you find me underneath the rocks and in the ground
I cowered there just short of air and never made a sound
It's true that I'm in love with you, and even in my shame
You wipe away the imperfections and take away the pain
You wrap your loving arms around this wretched thing called me
Your love is all I'll ever need, your love has set me free

The truth is only you.

I walk the world on insect legs beneath an unforgiving sun
Eat the dirt throughout my days On the dirt and dirt I come undone
Messiah born in Bethlehem won't find me lying there
The world's too big for him to see me or hear the things I've said
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
I laughed in the keep of a man with a rose my mandibles are caked in trash
Thought you wouldn't recognize me, in the black of soot and ash
Don't turn deaf to my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes

I love you Lord, and I lift my voice
To worship you, Oh, my soul rejoice
Take joy my King in what you hear
May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear

Never Words Enough

Withered lungs carry this thoughts,
as they float aloft
carried by these air streams,
poisoned by ego and selfishness.
Every last thought
in these twenty years
are marked only by blood
and the words of one
who murdered Love,
the one who carried out the death.

"Gloria" - U2

"Somewhere In The Between" - Streetlight Manifesto

Bleeding Words

It isn't as bad as some want to make it out as...and still it runs deeper than what most people can care to admit.

I'm so tired of not even knowing what it is I'm trying to do.

I wake up with a surge of pharmaceutical drugs running through my brain...causing actions and reactions...nerves being fired and others being severed. Every breath I take adds more fuel to the microscopic fire that is raging along the cellular level.

What is to come of this?

Honestly?

If the nerves can be shut down...fine...but these other effects?

I don't even know what day or the time...it all slips out and away so easily...the only vivid image is that of this caricature hat life has become. I don't know if it is as bad as it was back in college with the pill after pill of sleep aid and antidepressant...but God, here it is again and again.

I have forgotten what it really means to pray...the thoughts I give, the prayers are offer are lined with hollow words begging to be forgotten and ignored. I speak of such simple thing in such absolute terms and loose the meaning of it all. I can see looks that people give...the exasperation, the frustration and the disgust...over who and what I am...they see me so clearly, see the defined and repulsive creature I am...when I do not even see myself in any vivid form.

I see me.

That is all.

I wish I could see who I am supposed to be...where I am supposed to go...what I am...but all I see is someone who is more tired by the moment.

There is just this old familiar song I am left singing while just as confused and lost as before.

How long?
How long?
How long, to sing this song?
How long?
How long?
How long, to sing this song?

If there is a new song, is there is life worth living, breath into to me. Give me a voice to sing and words to speak. Give me strength to stand and clarity in which to deliver.

I can't take..any of this...right now.

I want to do something stupid.

Very, very stupid so I can stop these voices in my head.

When will this roller coaster ride end?

Why do I always blame myself for things outside of my control?
Why do I hate me so much and with so little care?

A fistful of pills.

Not like it would matter much anyways.

Foray Into the Sleeping Night

I don't know...how or why...just talking to people...it reminds me of how shallow I am...how much I hate this dirt I eat and the lies I vomit.

So very...sick of this...these worlds...these dreams that never end.

Screams unheard.
Violence unbegotten, just till I reach this end.
Nothing but red,
bleeding red
and gluttonous desires of
vast insecurity,
just digging deeper,
scratching wounds
and ripping deeper.
Gnawing.

I can never figure out this quandary:
Numb and dead to the world
or burning and electrical pain
just more intense by the moment.
Every action just rips deeper,
and its not like you didn't know
just that you did
and wouldn't lift a finger
to benefit one beside yourself.

Lackadaisical word play,
playing with you
and your mind
and just here we are
to never hear
but to talk,
speak and vomit every sincerity
just on cue.

Hating you is just hating myself.
I hate you.
If killing you wouldn't end me,
you would have just been another number,
another prime example of wasted human life.
But here we are,
locked into duality for now.
But one day,
you bastard self,
you will pay.
I'll be there to gloat
because I'll suffer for our crimes,
forged together.
Goodbye,
goodnight.

*sigh*

Have I mentioned...I miss...you?

"The Day The World Went Away" - Nine Inch Nails

I hate this weakness.

Admitting it means I loose my high and lofty place of judgementalism.

It feels like if this was it, this life was the singular expression of our beings...I could be happy to fade into nothingness.

There is no delight in being high and lofty once you have fallen into these cracks and beg to covered by the rocks, to just escape the forthcoming wrath.

What is this?
What is becoming?
How was life crafted on this land of merciless sun and rocks?
Where is it going?
How did the diversity become so twisted internally?

What is...what will...

Traceless lines of confusion in my look for You.
I am a beggar just looking for hope, love is too much for one like me.

Momentary standstill.

Freedom.

Pain.

Vague labels, poor metaphors cloaked in words and shown to be near futile assessments.

Pain.

Pain.

Trouble processing...thinking...rethinking...making sense of this all.

Why?

That wasn't a very prudent idea.

Escape.

Impractical.

But sorely needed.

I fell.

This going at it alone is like a cancer that is slowly eating away at my soul.

I'm so sick of that...yes...I am...

"Two-Twenty-Nine" - Brave Saint Saturn

No one told me it was going to rain today,
I turn my face down from the sky,
Something broke inside my heart today,
Christmas presents on the day she died.
Crippled dreams are never mentioned,
Broken things that never heal,
Mother said for me to give it time,
Tonight I cannot help but cry,
February twenty-nine.

In a world of dying children,
Rain never seems to cease,
I will hope for things unseen now,
One day my heart will be at peace.
I said I loved her and she knew it,
Whispered softly to the sky tonight,
She is warm and safe in Heaven,
In the loving arms of Jesus Christ.

There is a place that we call heaven,
A place where children never cry,
where you are never cold or hungry,
a place where you cannot go blind.
I turn my face up to the sky now,
I wipe the tears from my eyes,
Thank you God she lives forever,
February twenty-nine.

In a world of dying children,
Rain never seems to cease,
I will hope for things unseen now,
One day my heart will be at peace.
I said I loved her and she knew it,
Whispered softly to the sky tonight,
She is warm and safe in Heaven,
In the loving arms of Jesus Christ.


Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


In a world of dying children,
Rain never seems to cease,
I will hope for things unseen now,
One day my heart will be at peace.
I said I loved her and she knew it,
Whispered softly to the sky tonight,
She is warm and safe in Heaven,
In the loving arms of Jesus Christ.

Soul Order Deposit

Every time I begin down this road again...there is the bock...this almost...inability to write or conceive a notion of what is truth...pain is there, this darkness...this dark place I have hidden my heart...far from truth and far from grace...a place only I know exists and I threw away the key.

To hide from You.
To run from You.
To know that I know not and relish my ignorance.
But You offer the way home.
Only You can sympathize and understand.
Lead me to freedom.

Hey you.
Yeah you.
I miss you.
A lot.

Blossoming Thoughts, Running Red

Such terror,
abstract yet vivid
pulling and twisting,
contorting and brewing darkness
deep inside.

Everything you imagined it could be,
every lie,
every soul screaming tidbit,
every last dying drop of venom
that is holding me inside,
defining
imaging
reimagining
every last tidbit screaming across this soul.

Bleeding,
reprocessing,
reaping that which was sowed
just to hear you beg,
some sort of silence
and some sort of reprieve
from truth.

It's hard to see the face
of one who is a traitor,
willing to hear truth
just until it started to hurt
and started to bleed.
Everything with you is about the now,
nothing about what has passed
or what is foretold to come.
You see yourself
but don't see anything
except the lies you wear
to justify
such a pretty lie.
Such a disgusting way to live,
like life was yours to give
and all you do is take,
never seeing the choice you made.

As for me,
freedom.
From this slavery of indulgance,
ripping my soul to make you happy.
Living a charade just to please
your indulgent fantasies.

I'll claw my way out,
find the light
and dig until I can see
and feel again.
Know that this isn't death
and that to live is to breath.

"Some Days Are Better Than Others" - U2

Some days just feel like you've drive your life into a wall, set it on fire and exploded along with the rest of it all.

*sigh*

Cherry Blossoms in the Winter

It's like feeling my soul
being soiled by your thoughts
ripped apart with every perceived
preconceived notion about my worth
every word
every breath
every single wasted thought
about you is a crime.
Making me hate my soul.

I wanted love,
acceptance
and guidance
all you can spare
is bitter
bitten
battered
hate
about yourself
focused on what I lack
in your picture perfect
fallen
falling apart
diseased
cadaver
you mistaken for a life.

I want to scream,
take the time to throw up
all of these lies
I've swallowed,
just years at a time,
and remind myself
just why it is
we are the way
and you are.

Just screaming words of being
justifying meaning
before you strip them off,
just with a single glance,
a bit of subdue verbiage.
Every time I think I'm free
I see myself a slave
in front of you
before you again.
I can scream until this collapses
and all I'll do
is just worship this hate.

Everything in this is a lie,
every word you see
every metaphor you process
into an image,
just a lie you sing
you cover your shame with
just to make me hate you more.

I want love,
so much it hurts.
I can't see you now,
just shadows and mirrors
blocking out
and I couldn't even see you
with a telescope
or see you close,
explore every inch with a microscope,
all I have is this duality,
this false nature
coupled with my personal insanity.
I miss you like mad
and hope there is eternity
because I know I'll never see,
I'll never fully hear
or know you until then.

I wish I had the strength to vomit.

Perfection is an assimilation of the many and diverse imperfections that make up so many unseen and yet needed.

Such is life, the horrific beauty.

Feeling and emotions...you do suck...a lot...

" The Best Is Yet To Come" - Metal Gear Solid OST

Why is it so hard for me to focus on one thing at a time?
To get anything done?

I'm so just...tired of feeling so disconnected and apart from everything...and so hungry. ~_~

I'm listening to Rage Against the Machine while watching Fox News. What is wrong with this picture?

You make me so sick,
I could just throw up
but that wouldn't get May anywhere these days.
Every time I move,
every time I sink my thought,
sink them deep into You
I don't think I have anything left
then I find myself,
just a little less than ever before.

God did in fact give rock and roll...he also gave metal so that I could actually start and finish work.