"Stryper" - More Than A Man

There is an end coming...all shadows and clouds obscure it...there will be a terrible sting...but then...freedom...release from these shackles of bondage...a reclaiming of all made new...beauty redefined in purpose and perfection...all new.

"999,999 / 1,000,000 " - Nine Inch Nails

It feels like a lesser version of "Biting the Hand" but I could actually link this video and it is still enjoyable in its own right...

Doesn't matter that much anyway,
I never did want it that way,
never could feel like you do
see the way you feel
or know the way you are.

Shallow, shallow just so shallow.
I can't keep my hands from shaking to save my life.
Every time I try to do something to shut them up, shut them and the inner voices up I just proceed to make things worse.

Critical failure as it were.

Below understanding, beneath feeling, under statement and interior relation mixed with falsity, yeah, something like that.

God I can't stand this much longer.
What is this?
What?
What?
What?
Tell me.
I do not understand.
How do I show love?
How do i do something without making them angry?
How can I stop being a failure?
How?
Why?
Any?
Anything?
Nothing?
Speak.
Please.
To.
Me.

Pachycephalosaurus- Showbread

"The Day The World Went Away" - Nine Inch Nails

I hate SOE.

No more Matrix.

Oh well.

Speak Ιησούς

Life is...fleeting away right now.

It's a mixture of the drugs...the loneliness...the dislocation and disconcerting feeling...I don't know where it is leading to.

I see beauty almost as well as I can hear it.

There are pictures in my mind, abstract thoughts I reach out to touch...just to find my hand is empty.

Every breath I take while walking down this road...I look for you and have no clue where I am, what things are...dear Ιησούς.

There are so many misinterpretations...so many fleeting and dying words...things that defy being and reason and justifiable existential cause.

Redundant life thought, bleeding, fornicating in existence with being.

The one thing being...this wasteland.
Oh wasteland, oh life.
This terrible thing I've clutched in my hand,
holding tight until it bled.
Blood mixing with sweat
and burning with hate.
God, what is this monster,
this facade I have become?

Behind me is death
and before is something I never knew.
When is it to late,
to late to say I'm sorry?
To be forgiveness for every sin
and the rot inside this soul?
The trepidation of a soul
forsaken truth.
If I am here
Jesus where are You?

I want to speak plain,
I want to sing
God I need to loose this life
and feel the cords cut
and the physical torn away
and eternity enveloping all.

I have no words to say
no verses to sing
and no truth to speak.

Every lie has grown in its own way.
All of my sin bears fruit,
burning and suffocating me
in this hellish garden,
marking my self righteous.

Where am I?
Where are You?

I want to cry,
I want to beg for peace
a new start,
some forgiveness
and a way of breaking out of this bond
and to become Yours.
Your Son, despite these mistakes.

I walk in the shoes of angels
that cower beneath Your Holy Rage
and I become so self reliant,
so forgetting
such a bastard child
when the realization is simple.

Truth is only You,
The Truth is only You.
I just beg for enough grace
to live these dying moments for You.
That I die not with a whimper,
but a shout,
Your name on my lips.

Enough of this false modesty,
humbleness reserved for serpents
and angels forgetting their place.
I never knew You
and claiming I carried Your love
is a joke making everyone laugh,
everyone except You.

And here I am,
raging and waging a one man war
against this dark
I'm just as a part of.
The simple lesson is the first
and the last,
that love reigns supreme
and I'm nothing but another misfit.
Another vagabond
taken in at the last moment.
Saved by fulfilled grace,
fulfilling broken promises
and giving me a mirror
to see the wretch called me.

No one who sees cares
and no one cares will see,
see the blood spent
and hours of breaking and forming
and falling apart on account of You

Every bleeding lie,
posing as a martyr
and what do we have left?
Lies that point to You.

Old friend of confused loneliness...you have returned...

I just heard the term 'interwebz' used on Fox news. The day is now complete.

So...so...tired of feeling like death...

I don't know...and I am not sure if I want to.

Every waking breath is carrying me one step closer to the absolute and whatever it may hold.

"All Along the Watchtower" - Jimi Hendrix

It's been one horror show of a day...the effort to push forward feels almost too much.

God, where are you in this pain and confusion?

I feel like I'm drowning...where is the way out?

It sucks so much that I get so upset over an animal dying...I'm ashamed and angry and don't know what to say...I hate love, I hate feelings...I hate feeling like I'm loosing everything even before it really begins.

"Show me the way to go home...I'm tired and I want to go to bed...I had a little drink about an hour ago...and it went...right...to...my...head."

Memories are so painful.

Just stepping out out of the call and my foot landing the in rain puddle...it takes me back and reminds of everything I've tried to forget.

Jesus, I think I hate this town, this university, everything here.

"Gone" - U2

Forgiveness

"Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering."
-Master Yoda


Forgiveness.

This word feel so cheap when I speak it from my lips.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness?

Forgiveness from what? From whom?

It's not like anyone enjoys the act of forgiving others but at the same time we want it.

We need it.

Even when we don't realize we need it, we crave for it.

It's like oxygen and love.

We need both to breath, to exhale, to inhale, to feel, to begin to blossom in the sunlight from the broken creatures we once were.

And what of these words?
So frail.
So fragile.
Dying so soon.

A part of me resents God and hates this concept of forgiveness and love. This idea of 'loving others AS MUCH as I love myself" (Matthew 22:39, emphasis added) and that bit about "I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst." (Matthew 5:44)

That is so irritating.

Infuriating even.

For someone who carries the weight of the world on his back as well as a few specially self created burdens of hate.

As one who is incredibly high strung, as someone who does not understand the concept of 'relaxing' or 'sleep' for that matter, this is infuriating because it means I am not only in the wrong but I am an idiot for wasting all of this energy on fear and confused anger.

To understand why people are willing to commit and do so many heinous acts you have to understand that so much of that rage comes from internalized fear. As cliche as it might seem we become what we surround ourselves with.

"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dark cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have. You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other." (Matthew 6:22-24)

Part of this problem is circumstances beyond my control and thought, most of the time.

So often the problem is me...but there is something more then me...there is more...sometimes I do not think it is there...but it is...it is not dependent on my thought or my perfection...luckily.


"Jesus resumed talking to the people, but now tenderly. "The Father has given me all these things to do and say. This is a unique Father-Son operation, coming out of Father and Son intimacies and knowledge. No one knows the Son the way the Father does, nor the Father the way the Son does. But I'm not keeping it to myself; I'm ready to go over it line by line with anyone willing to listen.

""Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.""
-Matthew 11:27-30

"Something Like Laughter" - Five Iron Frenzy

How did I forget Socrates? *sigh*

Ad experiments...needless to say I'm a sell out.

Yes...give me some advert cash because I need it...

*sigh*

Pharmaceutical drug hangover for the loose.

I just can't tell...the difference...if I miss you or maybe just hate you...if I want to see you again or just wish Jesus would put this eternal divide between us.

Sometimes you just can't simply kill your demons or old ghosts...maybe sometimes they just need hugs...

"Hurt" - Johnny Cash

This Is...It?

Nightmares.
So little time.
Bearing on reality or not,
do you sincerely believe
that all is mere flesh and bones?
That someone,
the totality can be summed
in mere organic thought
and numerical being?

It's not like I can't see you,
every day of my life
I'm feeling just like you.
I see the pain and know it's trite,
but there is love
and love enough for you
just like there is love for me.
Love that overcame death
and crossed this chasm.
Love that screams for freedom
gasping for breath
as it whispers your name.

It is just like this one
to leave home before being ready.
Forgetting everything at the door
and selling myself before I can agree
but here I am,
just like you.
Going down,
crashing at a moment's notice.
Failing on love
just as I have before.

What will it take for you to see,
this love is real,
blood bought
and eternal in being
far outside our souls
but close enough to fear.
Love that never failed
and never will.

No matter what I've done,
this lifetime of failure
summed up in a breath
You have carried me.
It is You who took on flesh
and wore it these many years,
carrying this pain
in a cross shaped parcel
With no thought of loss,
the Hell or fear
You carried me just as easily.
How can I reply?
How does one so broken and finite
respond to one infinite in love?

I've nothing to give,
nothing but this broken life.
Look into my eyes and see,
see what you've missed.
See the blood stained tears
and know there is hope.
See the distraught soul
that has been carried
and forgiven a lifetime of sin
and know there is grace.

I hate dreams.

Stop being so vivid already.

I don't want to care.

God I'm going to have a freaking aneurysm before this is all done and said.

"The Beginning" - Showbread

"The Lamb" - William Blake

Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,
By the stream and o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing, woolly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice?
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?

Little Lamb, I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee.
He is called by thy name,
For He calls Himself a Lamb.
He is meek, and He is mild;
He became a little child.
I a child, and thou a lamb,
We are called by His name.
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
Little Lamb, God bless thee!

"The Tyger" - William Blake

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

"The Death" - Showbread

Why?
Why?
I hate this place.
I'm spinning out of control.
Just end this now please.
All of it.

Frequently More

You can send the rain to wash away the dirt, wash away the stains but Jesus could you wash away my pain?

You can send the rain but think of me first and see how I'm drowning.

All day, every day I hear of the pain.
I see it in their eyes
and hear it in their voices.
Could you turn and see,
see the ones in need of You?
You speak of freedom of choice,
the right to be
but God,
what of the pain?
There is no Heaven here,
not even water.
Just wastelands posing as life
trite and with no compassion.

I can't carry my pain any further
and all I do is reap destruction
because of what I've sown.
Good intentions and negligence
are just trite metaphors
seeking to explain why I broke it,
when there is no excuse,
nothing I can do to justify me.
Nothing except You.

There has to be more than this,
more to this life.
Jesus can you take the time,
just a second of your time
to give some peace?
To be near in this storm,
to push past my the rage
and insecurities which flood
and overwhelm my heart.

What little love may remain,
let it flow,
let it burn.
Save me from this overload,
this wretched state.
Please love me.

I hate banks.
I hate money.
I'm so screwed. I can't buy gas or even pay for copays for the hospital.
God I'm so screwed.

Don't know how much longer I can make it...

*sigh*

I'm so tired of muscle spasms and hand tremors.

Walls of Disparaging Sound

This soul is so tarnished,
it is second rate.
Yet, through all the abuse
and the misuse
You still love me.

I'm captivated by Your thoughts,
by the rhythm of Your heart.
Every moment You are here,
breaking down these walls
and reaching to this lost one.
Spreading such vivid love
before the day I depart,
comforting these fear
but still I crawl,
overwhelmed by doubt
and afraid of life
and here You are.
Offering unfettered
hope and love.

"Age Of Reptiles" - Showbread

I am made of parts that freeze and ligaments that atrophy
Though they look they’ll never see
They don’t know something’s wrong with me
And just as well, I’ll never tell what’s underneath the scales
I’ve worn to thin to honor you, my every effort fails
So bury me with Israel and cover up my tracks
Leave not a trace of what I was, I’m never coming back
And if you’re mercy falls upon he whose blood is cold
Unearth me with your hands of love and never break your hold

The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you

Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Suck the venom from every bite and vomit every drop
Some of us may bite your hand but some of us will not
And every knee will bow before you, each forked tongue confess
My selfishness will rot in me and I will seek your rest
Still some lizards fell from you, ashamed of all they’ve been
So Jesus take myself from me, never bring it back again

The world is full of ones like me, who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed, the truth is only you
The world will soon become extinct, the age will pass away
And all will know that you are God, hallowed be your name

Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Forgive the basilisk, forgive the moccasins and adders too
Have mercy on each alligator that never lived for you
I myself hatched from an egg, no white light from above
Just another ancient serpent that never earned your love
But still you find me underneath the rocks and in the ground
I cowered there just short of air and never made a sound
It’s true that I’m in love with you, and even in my shame
You wipe away the imperfections and take away the pain
You wrap your loving arms around this wretched thing called me
Your love is all I’ll ever need, your love has set me free

The truth is only you

Philosopher List of 53

-Thales (624-546 B.C.)
-Anaximander (546 B.C.)
-Anaximenes (585-528 B.C.)
-Pythagoras (572-497 B.C.)
-Heraclitus (540-480 B.C.)
-Parmenides (515-445 B.C.)
-Zeno of Elea (490-430 B.C.)
-Protagoras (480-410 B.C.)
-Democritus (460-360 B.C.)
-Plato (428-348 B.C.)
-Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
-Jesus (3 B.C. - 30 A.D.)
-Paul the Apostle ( ???-65)
-Epictetus (55-135 A.D.)
-Justin Martyr (100-165)
-Marcus Aurelius (121-180 A.D.)
-Sextus Empiriricus (175-225)
-Origen (185-254)
-Plotinus (205-270)
-Athanasius of Alexandria (293-373)
-Augustine (354-430)
-Anselm (1033-1109)
-Averroes, Ibn Rushd (1126-1198)
-Maimonides, Moses Ben Maimon (1135-1204)
-Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274)
-William of Ockham (1288-1348)
-Martin Luther (1483-1546)
-John Calvin (1509-1564)
-Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
-Giordano Bruno (1548 - 1600)
-Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)
-René Descartes (1596-1650)
-Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)
-Baruch Spinoza (1632-1677)
-John Locke (1632-1704)
-George Berkeley (1685-1753)
-John Wesley (1703-1791)
-David Hume (1711-1776)
-Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778)
-Immanuel Kant (1724-1804)
-Friedrich Daniel Ernst Schleiermacher (1768-1834)
-Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (1770-1831)
-Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
-John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)
-Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
-Karl Marx (1818-1883)
-Ernst Mach (1838-1916)
-Charles Sanders Peirce (1839-1914)
-Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
-Paul Tillich (1886-1965)
-Karl Barth (1886-1968)
-C.S. Lewis (1898-1963)
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906-1945)

"Chrono Trigger Theme" - Orchestrated Version

I forgot how epic music can be.

Tears.

Wow.

Such trivial and meaningless metaphors do grace my lips as I attempt to define the infinite and boundless nature of your grace and do I dare say love?

I wish and do dare hope this all comes true.

"Matthias Replaces Judas" - Showbread

To the hospital!

"Come on Eileen" - Dexy's Midnight Runners

"Train in Vain" - The Clash

"I Don't Like Mondays" - The Boomtown Rats

I love my absolute gift of being able to help no one while simultaneously pissing them all off.

I hate holidays so much.

And life.

But mostly its the holidays that grate my nerves.

Except Christmas.

And Groundhog's Day.

Good movie too.

The Dreams You Dare to Dream

"I Will Follow" - U2

Am concerned enough to almost try something stupid. Almost.

Time.

Wait.

Hate.

Annoyance.

Need to be proactive.

Worry, worry, worry.

Hackers and crackers with WOW, what next?

Worry, worry, worry.

Crazed unfriendliness towards those I love?

Unacceptable.

Not sure if this will help but go to itunes and download Brave Saint Saturn's album "The Light of All Things Hoped For", put it on something portable, get some headphones and lay down with it.

Thinking about...and prayer...hope...peace...and love...something more than just mere sentiment but genuine...beyond human's lack of care and inability to understand...but the peace beyond understanding...to you in ways only you can understand.

As always...muse...I stand ready for a transmission...a reception of some sort...to know the work is heading in the right way...I need your grace and guidance for this to take off and land.

The darkness overwhelms...threatens to drown...but the darkness cannot perceive the Light and is overwhelmed at the thought of the divine reaching beyond the legislation to humans...the part spirit and part animal mixtures that get more wrong than right...but that love still prevails...and reaches into the soul...and brings one soul to another...no matter the miles, the pain or the fear.

Love wins.

I wish I could find a video of the song "The Sky - Alpha" by Showbread.

That would possibly work.

Even though words are lacking in words to help...I don't hate your life.

Away to the ceremony of graduates I must go!

Feeling my soul burst into flames at there mere thought of your whispery inspiration...I have to ask...why dear muse have you been so silent as of late?

See the large stack of things to do?
My bad health?
Lack of income?

I'm trying to meet you in the middle here but if you don't get with the sprinkling of the magical muse dust I'm going to come in there and get it.

I say that with sincere love of course.

I hate being so paranoid about oversleeping that I do not sleep at all...*sigh*...

Progress has been elusive...but the conversation...outside...and in has been productive in its own ways...leading to conclusions...creating and cross synapses that have only dreamed of being fired and opening pathways of thought into metaphors and unexpected conclusions.

Five AM though...what a time for phone calls.

Prayer and sentiment mixed with hope...directed to those sick and ailing...in the body, mind and soul...so much more yet so much less...things are gathering, being blown and directed in ways most unexpected.

What is this hope?
This light daring to pierce darkest night?

Unspoken words...acknowledge and given via train of thought to those in most of need...suffocating on the lack of consideration and love...not knowing how dearly beloved you are in both thought and action. Beloved, muse and all.

"The Goat" - Showbread

For A Smile...

...make sure to watch in order.

Prayer and warm thoughts.

Having a soul on fire with no logical way to stop the fire...the pain at times is odd.

When it rains it pours...when you don't sleep you don't dream and when you don't get a phone call at 5AM you can always wait for the next day...you know?

Interesting...that was amazing.

Apologies are unneeded, existentialism is needed...continue on...continue on...

Yikes...I should always check and read first. >_<

Sorry.

Oh well...no sleep.

Hope it gets better soon...

Here I go...once again...*cue White Snake song*

"Staring at the Sun" - U2

I miss you.

Pain is there too.

Can't breath so well...pain...so...much.

There is a certain degree of madness that is becoming evident as the day progresses...thoughts...feelings...confusion.

An answer is asked for...definitions too...and it is something I lack.

I don't know how to give justification or explanation for any of this...it is.

Truth and love...all relevant and beautiful despite the pain that does manifest.

How?
Why?
Where?

Where is this all going?
What is to come of it all?

Finding Nineveh...such an odd journey.

Tired Bones and Weary Souls

Why does my body have to scream in agony every time I try to get out of bed? What do I have to hurt? What point will this serve?

Why...why do you never leave me when I forsake You?

How do you love such a broken creation...I am so tired, so broken and God so ashamed. I wish I could pull up into myself and hide from the dread Your beauty instills into my soul. I see your love, your compassion and God your grace...they terrify me and shake me to my core.

To realize my limitations and how self obsessed...and how broken.

Where does it end?

But this love, how can it begin when everything feels so run down, so broken and so impossible?

Redundancy and Lies

Here I,
Here I am.
Every phrase and every word
and every processed
spiritual cliche
making me retch
is buried deep within my soul.
I wrote the book
and killed hope with my savior.

Moment,
ever lasting moment.
Regards to all
the truth
and screams ripping flesh
as throats collapse
and veins explode
from the falling wrath
of one lost
and so bitter.

Look in your mirror
and see the world you made
and just how bitter
and ugly you are.

Jesus,
you see this broken machine
these lies across the world
broken and bloody as a cancer.
You see the facade I've lived
while trying to kill for me.
You have seen the blood I spilled
all in the pursuit of my ego.

Jesus,
you see the hole in my soul
and the ugly insects slithering inside
as I scream for help
all the time dragging my feet so I can wait.
You've seen every last tear I've shed
and you have felt every nail,
every rusty nail I have driven into your wrist
while screaming my will be done.

You've seen me kill for my own gain
and only care for me.

Lamb, mild and meek.
Creator and redeemer.
The Holy one who holds the stars
and knit my soul together.
How do you love such imperfection?
How do you show any grace to such failure?

How can you love the bastards
and all of us who plotted against You?
Love for the liars, the thieves,
the selfish, the slothful,
the judges, the sinners,
the bastards, the forgotten,
the hated and forsaken.
We have nothing left
but the venom on our tongues
and our ability to devour the weak.
Every poisonous word
and Lord I am here.
Opportunistic mercenary I am.

God my soul burns in pain
free us from this agony.
From this broken shell.
To home,
to the end,
to the resolution
and to the every new day
beginning joy of your love.

Take this fear, these lies
and my dying breaths,
take them and give them life
set them free to fly
and let them fly
to the future known only by You.

Freedom from this dying shell.
Oh God, please.

It has to be worth more then the sum parts...or this all is utterly pointless...worthless...no meaning, no being...nothing worth existing for.

God it hurts.

"Blessed Are the Land Mines" - Brave Saint Saturn

Not...sure...

Identity...as it were this is an intriguing notion...idea.

Sexuality and personal identity being intrinsically involved.

A lot of confusion...and a lot of what I hate about life is worked up in and around these subjects and things.

It's hard enough trying to pull myself together with singular thoughts...without pending over loads and the '-ie' or '-y' being added to my name and the implications running through mental connections and boundaries traversed by soul and the deep, unbreakable bonds.

Irreducible complex thoughts which are placed in a line by seemingly irrelevant but consequently relevant by its own admitted irrelevant nature which acts...some sort of...cliche filled triad on the futility of life but...contradictions abound because there is meaning given and presented...its not hidden but evident and the power of that meaning is painfully clear and moving closer to something else.

The thoughts are mucking up the thoughts as it were...walls, closed tight minds...inability to convey thought and emotion...useless needs for collaboration of souls over meaningless trite metaphors and behaviors resulting in more meaningless thoughts directed and cast over meaning...meaning? Meaning. Meaning.

Is there an actual way our of this?
Some real method of separating fact from fiction...what is in my head, my heart, my soul and in my hand...some sort of defining.

Metaphorically speaking...what?

A wise person once told me to plan in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed as if my life was caught in between vice grips.

Help.

List making is being infringed upon by the forthcoming panic attacks.

Woo.