I want to go Home.
Please.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Even though I am trying so damn hard I cannot fake being happy. I feel so confused, so lost, so alone right now...I mean...words are lacking in my mind and vocabulary to try and describe this...to understand and maybe even try to rationalize this...but the more I try the more I fail. The greater the effort I put forth the ever greater failure I experience.
Why can I not sleep? Can I at least have a decent amount of rest so I can try to confront this damnable life? Is the only plan you have is for me to become sicker and more angry and more paranoid?
It would be nice to actually have someone genuinely say everything will be alright but I know, I know you give no promises like that. It is pure bullshit to say You want us to be in a situation where we are healthy, happy and full of material wealth. You only promise pain and suffering and if that is what I am to bear in life, if this is my lot then I ask you to please forgive my lack of faith and the absence of compassion.
You created me and rescued me from my own Hells time and again, so what now? I can't pretend to understand, to know what is right or wrong. So many things I hae taken for granted and I have lost them.
Is the night soon to overtake me? How much longer will I be able to walk in this day before the night steals my breath away?
I am so tired. I do not know if I even desire to walk forward anymore.
I just, I have never been this spread thin, this exhausted...this...ready to have it all end in one fell swoop.
If you are even real, if you love me, please let this be the end of either my despair ot the end of my life in this moral realm.
I cannot hang onto promises and just words, I need strength, a vigor that died years ago. My breath is hard to take and my sight grows darker.
Whatever is your will please let it be. Regardless of my destination and health, as long as I am next to you I will make it.
Just, please do not forget me.
Please.
Why can I not sleep? Can I at least have a decent amount of rest so I can try to confront this damnable life? Is the only plan you have is for me to become sicker and more angry and more paranoid?
It would be nice to actually have someone genuinely say everything will be alright but I know, I know you give no promises like that. It is pure bullshit to say You want us to be in a situation where we are healthy, happy and full of material wealth. You only promise pain and suffering and if that is what I am to bear in life, if this is my lot then I ask you to please forgive my lack of faith and the absence of compassion.
You created me and rescued me from my own Hells time and again, so what now? I can't pretend to understand, to know what is right or wrong. So many things I hae taken for granted and I have lost them.
Is the night soon to overtake me? How much longer will I be able to walk in this day before the night steals my breath away?
I am so tired. I do not know if I even desire to walk forward anymore.
I just, I have never been this spread thin, this exhausted...this...ready to have it all end in one fell swoop.
If you are even real, if you love me, please let this be the end of either my despair ot the end of my life in this moral realm.
I cannot hang onto promises and just words, I need strength, a vigor that died years ago. My breath is hard to take and my sight grows darker.
Whatever is your will please let it be. Regardless of my destination and health, as long as I am next to you I will make it.
Just, please do not forget me.
Please.
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