Goodbye and Good bye September...and hello October.
With your icy cold fingers and breath of death.
Hello and welcome through our door.
Seasons change and demons lay
and times just marches on.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Is there something in the water in this house? Why does my family keep thinking I'm faking being sick? Does the fact the doctor keeps removing gallstones from my body not in the least influence any of them in that there is the SLIGHTEST, possible thing wrong with me?
I just should have tried optimism! Sunshine and puppies can fix my ailments!
My God! How much more of this? How much more of YOU making me deal with them? Seriously, are humans allowed to be this stupid and annoying? Did I really die and get sent into a little personal version of Hell? I feel like I'm going even crazier...like no one believes I am in pain, even though the procedure was done yesterday and more of the stupid stones came out and bile flooded my insides, HOORZAY! I must be imagining myself sick and so the doctor sees my imagination!
God, just why? Why? I have never felt so alone or crazy or stupid for even having survived this long.
I just should have tried optimism! Sunshine and puppies can fix my ailments!
My God! How much more of this? How much more of YOU making me deal with them? Seriously, are humans allowed to be this stupid and annoying? Did I really die and get sent into a little personal version of Hell? I feel like I'm going even crazier...like no one believes I am in pain, even though the procedure was done yesterday and more of the stupid stones came out and bile flooded my insides, HOORZAY! I must be imagining myself sick and so the doctor sees my imagination!
God, just why? Why? I have never felt so alone or crazy or stupid for even having survived this long.
Couple of Thoughts
The last breaths of September are here, after a few more hours this month will fade away with the calender, with it the last thoughts of summer as fall will surely turn into winter.
It is a process, a circle, a state of being that is always becoming, a never ending cycle that will no cease for any human.
Despite any reluctant acceptance on our part we can do nothing but bend to the realities of our perceived creation, known as time. We use it to measure every waking moment, every bated breath, every rhythmical beat of the heart and all the like. It is as beautiful as it is horrifying, amazing in its grand creativity and dull in its monotonous repetition.
It might be hyperbole of a scale caused by the drugs from yesterdays procedure but then again to embrace something as superfluously as time itself is to acknowledge our own potent egos, the fallacies of our own breath, the contradictions we openly embrace for our own sanity's sake...words cannot accurately define it because it is something that metaphors and symbols can only vaguely represent, at best. It is as fleeting as life itself is, something experienced only be doing and not perceiving.
It is life itself, the grand sum of our entireties, the uncomfortable feeling of no longer being connected to the ground but that we are floating. The realization that we are the generational byproduct of either an odd but generous God or the mistake of random evolutionary chance.
It would be so much easier if were not gifted and cursed with the processes of higher thoughts. Any human worth their genetic material cannot simply abide while there is a question. Our greatest strength is always our greatest weakness, the fact we are not satisfied with letting questions be when we can experince it ourself and know first hand what we perceive to be concrete answers.
Annoying as it is to always have this splinter in the back of my mind it is also something I could never honestly live without.
As annoying as it is to deal with the many systems inherent with life, it is a must and the consequence of life. Outside of our own personal control and it is what it is and no more and no less.
Frustrating as it is, life cannot help being what it is. It makes less sense the more you try to rationalize but some things cannot be helped.
It is here that I find myself, this being of sickness, of partaking in my own existence and feeling in ways that make little sense to me and only confuse most others. There are less than a handful of people I might begin to try and explain this to because the rest would just look at me as some sort of oddity, some sort of person who is only in need of more difficult work, stronger drugs or whatever they deem necessary to silence my question in order for them to be content.
That sounds a bit needlessly messianic and for that I apologize. I will never claim to be able to save myself so even giving the smallest inkling that I might be able to save others would be a crime.
Like any other honest human I am bound by my senses and perceptions. Things are what I feel them to be and that in itself is frustrating, liberating and ultimately flawed. Nothing a human feels and become aware of can ever be understood outside of their mind, regardless of how well an optic never perceives and how well a hand writes.
That must be one reason why life is considered to be so precious, it cannot be emulated or represented. When one is lost it is forever so. It is more then just loosing an item, it is loosing a representation of life, more than a collection of chemical and biological reactions, it is much more. Once again, more than what we can understand, it simply is.
I wish I could make everyone understand this better but I can't. It is frustrating and makes me sad.
I feel like a confusion, something only halfway correct. My body is in pain and my mind feels the nerve cells and chemical reactions going on. At any given moment there are various explosions of desire, pain and confusion. I do not understand and do not like it but as long as I inhabit this shell I have to accept it.
I'm burned out on trying to be who I am for other people when I would just like to be myself.
I wish I had better words to express all of this, the life and death inside and around me, the pain and the desires. I'm sick of it all, not being able to better give or remember.
I am tired of being at the demands of myself or pretending I am not just to make others feel better about themselves. I never actually asked to be at the mercy of invisible strings pulling my body in any given direction at once.
I just want to be me. Whoever he is.
I have so little and yet so much time at the same time.
I don't care right this second, my head hurts to bad.
It is a process, a circle, a state of being that is always becoming, a never ending cycle that will no cease for any human.
Despite any reluctant acceptance on our part we can do nothing but bend to the realities of our perceived creation, known as time. We use it to measure every waking moment, every bated breath, every rhythmical beat of the heart and all the like. It is as beautiful as it is horrifying, amazing in its grand creativity and dull in its monotonous repetition.
It might be hyperbole of a scale caused by the drugs from yesterdays procedure but then again to embrace something as superfluously as time itself is to acknowledge our own potent egos, the fallacies of our own breath, the contradictions we openly embrace for our own sanity's sake...words cannot accurately define it because it is something that metaphors and symbols can only vaguely represent, at best. It is as fleeting as life itself is, something experienced only be doing and not perceiving.
It is life itself, the grand sum of our entireties, the uncomfortable feeling of no longer being connected to the ground but that we are floating. The realization that we are the generational byproduct of either an odd but generous God or the mistake of random evolutionary chance.
It would be so much easier if were not gifted and cursed with the processes of higher thoughts. Any human worth their genetic material cannot simply abide while there is a question. Our greatest strength is always our greatest weakness, the fact we are not satisfied with letting questions be when we can experince it ourself and know first hand what we perceive to be concrete answers.
Annoying as it is to always have this splinter in the back of my mind it is also something I could never honestly live without.
As annoying as it is to deal with the many systems inherent with life, it is a must and the consequence of life. Outside of our own personal control and it is what it is and no more and no less.
Frustrating as it is, life cannot help being what it is. It makes less sense the more you try to rationalize but some things cannot be helped.
It is here that I find myself, this being of sickness, of partaking in my own existence and feeling in ways that make little sense to me and only confuse most others. There are less than a handful of people I might begin to try and explain this to because the rest would just look at me as some sort of oddity, some sort of person who is only in need of more difficult work, stronger drugs or whatever they deem necessary to silence my question in order for them to be content.
That sounds a bit needlessly messianic and for that I apologize. I will never claim to be able to save myself so even giving the smallest inkling that I might be able to save others would be a crime.
Like any other honest human I am bound by my senses and perceptions. Things are what I feel them to be and that in itself is frustrating, liberating and ultimately flawed. Nothing a human feels and become aware of can ever be understood outside of their mind, regardless of how well an optic never perceives and how well a hand writes.
That must be one reason why life is considered to be so precious, it cannot be emulated or represented. When one is lost it is forever so. It is more then just loosing an item, it is loosing a representation of life, more than a collection of chemical and biological reactions, it is much more. Once again, more than what we can understand, it simply is.
I wish I could make everyone understand this better but I can't. It is frustrating and makes me sad.
I feel like a confusion, something only halfway correct. My body is in pain and my mind feels the nerve cells and chemical reactions going on. At any given moment there are various explosions of desire, pain and confusion. I do not understand and do not like it but as long as I inhabit this shell I have to accept it.
I'm burned out on trying to be who I am for other people when I would just like to be myself.
I wish I had better words to express all of this, the life and death inside and around me, the pain and the desires. I'm sick of it all, not being able to better give or remember.
I am tired of being at the demands of myself or pretending I am not just to make others feel better about themselves. I never actually asked to be at the mercy of invisible strings pulling my body in any given direction at once.
I just want to be me. Whoever he is.
I have so little and yet so much time at the same time.
I don't care right this second, my head hurts to bad.
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