Post Three Hundred of the Year!

...I just don't have much to report.

Just kinda sick...kinda tired and have an odd taste in my mouth from the meds.

Life moves on and on and on...

Yeah.

Witty and funny, come back!!

I think I am actually about to be able to fall asleep...

Hooray for breakfast pizza!

...but in hindsight this may kill my stomach. >_<

My cat snores from time to time...well it's more of a wheeze...but it is still odd all the same.

Still haven't slept...*sigh*...

Daddy...this has been one long night. Please stay with them tonight and hold them close.

I'm...I have no clue who Matthew is...I just know I am needy and in need of you. Please hold me closer and whisper in my ear one more time about how much you love me. Please tell me again how much you desire my presence, how you can take these blood soaked clothes and trade them for something new...something clean.

Daddy, I love you. I need you so much.

It's safe to say that now I feel worse then I did before.

A Frantic Prayer

Jesus...Jesus...I'm alone in this world and fucked up world it is too.
Tell me. Tell me the story.
The one about eternity...and the way it's all going to be.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your father,
he made the world in seven.
He's in charge of heaven,
could you put a word in for me?

-U2, 'Wake Up Dead Man'


You can see through me right now. They are asking me to pray, asking me to be something I am not. I've pranced along the way pretending I'm somehow a man of God when I am nothing but a sinning shame.

This is a damn shame.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry for this paper thin faith that can't even believe ion you strong enough for me to crawl out of this depressed self indulgent hole. I was thinking about music, boy time for the band! Fucking actual demons possible running around and what do I think...hey, music ministry!

Pure genius.

Can you please forgive me for being so stagnant, so hollow, so apathetic and so self absorbed?

I want to be sorry, sorry for having such a fake faith, such an apathetic view on life and having no concern for others and salvation.

I'm scared to prayer, I'm scared to do anythign but sit in here self indulging my ever whim and desire.

Could you please wash their family in your Spirit and in your peace? Would you please move in the only way that you can? Would you please, for your own sake, for being adherent to your own word, honor the prayers and faith of all of those begging for freedom for this soul?

What do i do now? I can't prayer on my knees because I'm so easily distracted...I'm so uncaring. I can act all cool, give answers and look good in a Bible study but when the shit breaks loose...I'm loss for words...I have no comfort to offer.

If there was anyone worthy of your holy and horrifying wrath it would be those hypocritical leaders like me. Wolves in sheep skin acting as if to care about your flock and only doing enough to ensure people are damned to Hell.

Yeah, that is beautiful isn't it?

My mind...my body...my soul...it is all sick and it is all exhausted...and you know what? I don't care. I say bring on the pain, this is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of this fucked up world and the pain running through it.

All the pain, all this suffering and I do nothing, I do not even bother to pray.

Please forgive me for being the problem and for adding to it. Please forgive me for embracing myself instead of your word, your spirit and your love. Please see through these insufficient cries and hear me. Please listen and break this rotten and stone filled hot.

Hold me in your arms tightly and never let me go. Daddy, Father, I am so desperate to know you closer. Please, do something now. Please

Reveal yourself, please whisper in their ears of your love, please do something to stir the heart. Do not let this be the end, help the body to fight, to live, to no longer be addicted to this world.

Cast down these strongholds of sin, these mocking demons and let the captives be free by your blood.

Thank you for loving me through the long nights. Thank you for never leaving me Daddy. I love you so much.

I pray and beg this in Christ's name.
Amen.