Day 15

"Walk straight, act right, tell the truth."
-Psalm 15:2

How am I supposed to walk straight when I don't even know where the hell I'm going?

I'm so tired, I'm tired of feeling sick, of being so selfish, for feeling guilty over being sick, for being imposed on by people who make me feel like shit for feeling like shit...I don't even know what is wrong. For all I know I'm messed up in the head and my stomach is fine.

I feel like I'm trapped here because I have nowhere to go, I hate school, I hate work, I hate church, I hate You. I'm so sick of this walking blindly with faith crap. I'm tired, I am hurting, do you understand or even give a damn?

I just want to stand here and scream at you because of how scared and frightened I am and I have no way of saying it. Every time, every time I try to talk about it I feel guilty for imposing myself so I make some kind of stupid joke to put off the fears of dying, of maybe being ill and not able to find out what it is.

I make jokes because if I take MYSELF serious then and my PROBLEMS serious, then it IS serious.

I wish I never would have been born.
I hate life.
I hate You.

Thank you for loving me, loving me even now. I'm sorry. That is all I know to say. I love you and I'm sorry.

The Art of Hypocrisy

Messages flash across the screen
tearing the sound across with a screech,
flashing words of false humility and tearful pride.

Nothing is as it seems,
everything dare dreamed resides in,
with bitter lies and holy tears.

The words you speak expire,
flaunting as the meek
while we all burn on this pyre of self.

The worse of all is myself, false humility and all.
Self exposed hypocrite to vein to quit.
To emboldened to retire or simply be.
The world is mine and everything in it.
Mine.
Myself.
I.