U2 - Yaweh

Traverse Dirt

My soul is dirty,
just like this mouth full of trash I ate,
this smelling garbage festers.
Finding hold within, inside with all due contrived statements.
There isn't room for debate
or much to say as the song castrates itself
over the sicking bass.

Every dying wish over this pain,
all the half baked theories
fall apart and sink in this drain,
this livid gutter of broken promise,
as the perceived mercy kills itself.

The lungs contract and fight for air
as it sucks in the pollution
and sky glows in dark hues of orange and
batter crimson cancer.

The news is that it is old,
metaphor piled on top of metaphor,
laying with each other in tattered piles.
It can contrive itself.
It can build itself.
It can find itself, as lost within as without.

A festering mass of vermin,
it is well.
A growing sense of vertigo,
it is well.
Deep breaths followed by contrived statements.
It is well.

Flittering with a flutter these thoughts descend
like hordes of scavenging flies
malice in their festering thoughts.

Optimism doth rot when left by itself,
if not for hope what would there be in and within itself?

Day 5

"Listen, God! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help."

-Psalm 5:1

I know things are not as bad as they seem and for all rights and purposes things are good. Except, inside things do not seem or feel alright. Whether it is panicky thought, feeling sick, or anything else...something is amiss and I want things to be right.

Please help me find the right way of doing things. To clarify on that thought, please help me to keep things in balance and to not treat everything as being so dramatic and life or death.

There is a boiling over of my emotions that i am trying to hold back. Only you can really make sense of my half prayers, my profanity laced rants and the low sounds my soul is making from within this body.

Only you make sense and can make sense of this, I feel so much pressure...some of it real and some of it I am sure is non-existent. Honestly I am having trouble telling the difference between then two.

I almost feel like I have had a full history of this depression and anxiety stuff without even realizing it most of the time. Just an overwhelming amount of dread, fear, paranoia...I could go on but its only a partial list really but all the same it is a list I have lived my life by for so long.

I just...I guess bottom line I wish I didn't feel like such a rotten person. People are willing to tell me I'm a good person and point out the qualities I have which make me a good person...but I guess because of a deep need of acceptance in addition to there being just a few people I wish I could hear that from...but for whatever reasons it can't come from their lips...and so I am here not having a clue as to the whats or whys.

Just this transient thought I am casting out to my eternal Love and to the wind and whatever direction it may be blown.

I'm under the impression that there is some kind of genetic factor as to why certain things are phrased by certain relations as to me being an absolute failure...then again I have been known to read into things slightly...and be overly dramatic.

Yikes.

Okay...as to why I'm irrationally freaking out...there is no reason...it is a phone call and phones do not bite...I am in actual pain so there is no need to freak and go batty. Anyone who does not understand is crazier then me anyways so ultimately everything will be okay.

And a phone call later...nope wasn't bitten by the phone.

So much for day 4....bah i hate being a hypocrite.