You know...

Even with the anger, the pain, the confusion...I have to throw myself in the dirt and lament that I bite and attack you relentlessly. You make my heart burn with passion and love, you lift me above this desolate Hell and let me see absolute beauty. The only thing to ever pierce the heart of this broken creature has been your love.

I've hated this world, cursed your hand, despised your church, attacked your childrean and done everything possible to rip apart this life. Still...only you, only you make me smile, only you make my heart skip...you rip me from myself and hold me up against the holy standard and MAKE me see your justice.

The wrath you poured out on your son, the holy fury you ripped through your own flesh just so I could possibly begin to understand what it means to love. You listen to these screams and screeches and place definitions and meaning inside of me.

Thank you.

"Yet I see true art, I see her, and I see you
and Father you inspire me to sing to you
you inspire me to sing to you"

-Showbread, "Stabbing Art to Death"

Seeing that kind of thing makes me angry. It stirs up feelings, emotions and basic instincts that are better off dead.

Once again, do I really need to point out to you WHY that is so annoying to me?

It's hard to see rational though through such a screwed up haze, a cloud with no sense of anything. Bah, come on already?!?

*sigh* Can't sleep...what is the point in the end?

Sleep is as sleep does as sleep will and forever will never not be as it should, nor could, or would or will be.

It is frustrating to feel this intense burning but to have no actual outlet other then telling you that I have it...which doesn't exactly seem to fix it does it?

Oh well...anything else new under Your sun?

Jesus, uncommon doubt followed by uncommon ways.

I miss...so much of you.

Please don't leave me here. Take me where you will, just don't leave me here.

I can't live with or without you.

Just take it away...this burden is to much because I am to selfish to leave myself behind and follow you. I trapped under a mountain of pain, guilt, doubt, self hate, self loathing...because I'm disobedient and cannot abandon this all to follow you. I have turned a deaf ear for so long that I hear nothing but my own doubt. Hell cannot be worse then realizing you are deaf to the only one you want to even love.

I feel sick in the mind for realizing this but not being able to do more about ti, to be able to do another thing about it...to be able to breath about it, to feel it, take it in, absorb it, live it, carry it and make things really it.

God I miss the closeness you used to be, the love I used to feel, the order, the symmetry. Please don't let this continue on much longer.

I can't stand this...please don't make me go on.