Bold Words, Bolder Silence

I am not even vaguely aware of what I am supposed to write. As always there is the impulse and desire to write...so here I am.

There is the typical bit where I can rail against something personal or impersonal. It is always a good P.R. move to make very bold and very broad statements against things that are not average, not typical and could be a destroyer of the status quo.

I am guessing a large portion of this has to deal with human nature in general...but the way things are sometimes...the way people are...it is outright confusing.

I have always had these odd ball day dreams about how wonderful it would be to be the only human in this world. To an extent it is still true, sometimes I wish I could be alone and not have to deal with anyone else. Focus on my needs alone and maybe find some kind of solace, maybe some sort of healing that can never come when you constantly have to deal with people that ultimately are just trying to be their own best interests.

I am tired. It is more then the sleepy bits we all have, it is almost like I am scrapped thin...plus I am sick. I wish I didn't haven't work so I could just lay here and sleep and recover my favorite bits of sanity.

So it is like I wish I could be alone, absolute silence and solace from voices, messages, demands, struggles, hate, awkwardness and all of the rest of my daily lives. It seems like it would be nice to be lost in a wave, lost in an ocean of empty streets and open desert sky.

Things are quite dry already, the breeze simply has to pick up a bit and you could feel the emptiness touch your skin. I assume at some point I would eventually desire human contact...more importantly the desire for God that circumvents everything else as well...the needs that keep me grounded in reality and dependent on others would rip me from the blissful fantasy of solitude.

That is much of life it seems. We live in our fantasy worlds where we live out what we want more then anything else and are willing to sacrifice anything in the name of ourself.

I do not honestly understand true selflessness. I have met some people I thought were selfless but ultimately they were nothing more then broken people who were only concerned in using people in order to fulfill a broken need in themselves to control and 'fix' others. Like a puppet master, just stringing things along and when things go sour they throw out the puppet into the trash with the rest of the world's broken dreams.

It would be so nice if I could get rid of these awkward feelings of self important fear of being myself, fear of wasting away at a job I hate, it would be good to get rid of the intense feelings of self depreciation simply because I was born a white middle class male. I still have to insist that sexuality is completely over rated and the difference between male and female are baffling and right now I don't even want to care.

I am more then slightly tired from thinking and would like to just be able to breath pain free, to be free or worrying about what may or may not come. Do you know how wonderful it would be just to abandon myself, my loves, my fears, my hates, my world and my purposes and leave them behind forever more?

No more silly tears, feeling dumb, acting like I am more then what I am. It would be wonderful to recapture that spark of life, to feel an energy and desire to not just live but to create for its own sake...to know I am loved and could love back in every last possible way.

But in the mean time I am myself. I am still Matthew for ever last thing it means. I have hurt people and been hurt by them as well. I have pressed on and have lived life much longer then I ever expected to. For whatever will come and will be the only stead factors I know are in my head and in my heart. Things will never make much sense but I am here existing as I am for as long as I can and will exist. For the better, for the worse and for tomorrow.

Is there every a time when I am NOT sick?