I know you are listening, so I won't bother wasting time by going into an unnecessary existential crisis about whether or not you are real and if I am a block of cheese.
Instead, I just need to let you know that it is hard being here. Seeing so many things, feeling so many emotions and experiencing so many thoughts all at once...memories, pains and so many twisted burdens of life.
Combined it makes me want to scream.
Most days I am not sure what I think, what I feel, what I believe and what it is I am fighting for. So often there is this gaping pit in my soul that is begging to be filled by impractical and impossible means, devices that do not exist and died a long time ago.
In ways it feels like the song 'Mofo' by U2. I see all of this contradictions in the person I am and in who I am perceived as, who I have been perceived as and how I will be perceived. I want do desperately to have the family I never have, to be loved for who I am, to fill the void in my soul, to deal with a God that I love and despise at the same time, to embrace a life of art and liberation from the shell of false religion, to break my life open and pour it out as something useful, to be held and told it will be okay, to be myself, to tell that family how much I hate him, to stop being pissed off by the fact I'm never going to be able to tell my bastard of a father how much I hate him and that him never being there before he died has contributed to me being slightly upset, to let go of the pain in my soul, to know that the Father loves me and it will be okay, I want to be able to let go of every last one of my emotions and let the pain fall like so many drops of rain in a torrential hurricane downpour.
Yes, I am angry. I am enraged at my personal state of being as well as how fucked up this world is. I am nauseated at the fact both of my jobs seems to do nothing but contribute to this consumer mindset of buying your way to paradise. It is the blind leading the blind off a cliff with a rocket train.
"Lookin' for to save my, save my soul
Lookin' in the places where no flowers grow
Lookin' for to fill that God shaped hole
Mother, mother sucking rock and roll
Mother
Holy dunc, spacejunk comin' in for the splash
Been around back, been around front
White dopes on punk staring into the flash
Been around back, been around front
Lookin' for baby Jesus under the trash
Been around back, been around front
Mother, mother sucking rock and roll
Mother
Mother hopping sugar popping dropping rock and roll
Happy
Mother
Mother, mother, mother
Mother, mother, mother
Mother, am I still your son
You know I've waited for so long to hear you say so
Mother, you left and made me someone
Now I'm still a child but no one tells me no
Lookin' for a sound that's gonna drown out the world
Been around back, been around front
Lookin' for the father of my two little girls
Been around back, been around front
Got the swing, got the sway, got my straw in lemonade
Been around back, been around front
Still looking for the face I had before the world was made
Been around back, been around front
Mother, mother sucking rock and roll
Mother
Bubble poppin', sugar droppin' rock and roll
Mother
Mother sucking, fucking rock and roll
Mother
Mother, mother, mother
Mother, mother, mother
Soothe me mother
Prove me father
Move me brother
Woo me sister
Soothe me mother
Move me father
Show me mother"
-U2, "Mofo"
Thursday, January 24, 2008
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