I will be honest, I really am starting to have a lot of disdain for emotions, feelings and all of that. Sure life would be a bit boring but it would be so less painful. That is quite selfish I admit, I would rather just eliminate the pain altogether with the good aspects of it.
I hate feeling captives to life, to who I am, what I am, where I am, where I am going, where I am not going. Life feels like a series of quite annoying circles that do not know how to adjust in the proper ways.
Attraction, love, emotion, feeling, sexuality, lust, love, adoration...all of them are just headaches. I wish I could just be purged of these addictive pains and just have it all washed away.
I start to wonder if what we view as all of these emotions and thoughts are nothing more then corrupt versions of what they should be, you have the whole idealistic view of love that i once had. But bottom line I would much prefer to be free from it all.
I do not like feeling that I am out of control, that I am bound by a bunch of madding chemicals, it also feels like I am one of the few people that want to question this, be upset by it or in general possibly develop a negative disposition towards it.
Did I mention being tired of the metaphorical prison and the desire to run free and find a deeper understanding?
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Open Door
It feels like I am waiting for something to happen. I am sitting here in my chair and waiting for the flames to dance around me, flames that can purge and burn away this false sense of contentment that has threatened to drown me.
It feels like there are two worlds, a world where TV slogans and porn are the real basis for life, a feeding frenzy of lust in which the only person to loose is the one whose body isn't ravaged with disease. Reality so very strong that we cannot bear to walk through the house without viewing them on enough screens for every day of the week.
I cannot stand television.
The other world is behind a black veil. A world of polar opposites and oxymorons leading to a sense of surreal. A reality so strong that it is equal part bitterness as much as it is equal part joy. Black masks of death line the path way as they stand next to the purest forms of life.
Truth becomes a convoluted haze that is easiest to embrace when you do not know.
There is indeed a death of practical thought and action because it cannot be supported on the lifeline of nihilistic self help jargon that people enjoy consuming simply because they can better pat themselves on the back.
Truth is black and white as well as a full blown colorful rainbow of perspective.
An easy way to see truth is to realize you are looking for you first, after you determine to put your desire last you could possibly begin to understand a lofty idea such as infinite, holy and God.
It's to bad I am just as lazy as the rest of humanity.
It feels like there are two worlds, a world where TV slogans and porn are the real basis for life, a feeding frenzy of lust in which the only person to loose is the one whose body isn't ravaged with disease. Reality so very strong that we cannot bear to walk through the house without viewing them on enough screens for every day of the week.
I cannot stand television.
The other world is behind a black veil. A world of polar opposites and oxymorons leading to a sense of surreal. A reality so strong that it is equal part bitterness as much as it is equal part joy. Black masks of death line the path way as they stand next to the purest forms of life.
Truth becomes a convoluted haze that is easiest to embrace when you do not know.
There is indeed a death of practical thought and action because it cannot be supported on the lifeline of nihilistic self help jargon that people enjoy consuming simply because they can better pat themselves on the back.
Truth is black and white as well as a full blown colorful rainbow of perspective.
An easy way to see truth is to realize you are looking for you first, after you determine to put your desire last you could possibly begin to understand a lofty idea such as infinite, holy and God.
It's to bad I am just as lazy as the rest of humanity.
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