Goodnight

Wherever you are, I just wanted to stop and say goodnight.

You may read this...one day.

Is it possible for love to exist in ways before it could ever be known?

Day Dream

I sometimes wonder how often you think of me, if I ever cross your mind when you are out about in life. I wonder, do you ever think of me when you eat lunch by your window, getting to see the lives of people play out before them? Do I ever cross your mind when you go for a walk, hearing the birds sing their song to you? Could it be you think of me when you lay down to sleep at night, your beautiful mind awash from the days events?

It is a thing I am quite curious about, you see. I hold you in my highest regards and would not wish you ill, even when there is nothing to say.

It is funny to think we can live out our lives separate from each other, never knowing just what the other is thinking, maybe one of us hoping the other will say something. It is funny, right?

There really isn't to much more I can say that needs to be said, although less is indeed more it is not the same for all aspects and matters involving something as fickle as the heart.

Maybe an embrace awaits over the rainbows end.

Speaking of Marriage

I know I have my own bias towards Christian thought but something I just do not understand is why people outside of Christianity (or maybe some other religions) care about marriage. I know there is the fact it serves as a social construct but I just really can't break away from the notion that it is a bringing of a man and a woman together with God being the third and ultimate unifying factor.

Sex is in and of itself utterly bewildering and makes me feel uncomfortable but regardless it is a slight fundamental part of life. However, marriage is more then sex just as love itself is much more then sexuality. Marriage is supposed to be a unification of two distinct souls, bodies and minds into this covenant of one.

Spirituality and sexuality are hopeless intertwined because of them both being undeniable aspects of the human existence. Trying to say one is more important then the other is like trying to say water is more vital then food, in a sense there should be priority but at the same time if you focus only on one you will starve yourself from normalcy.

Being human is confusing, sexuality even more so, all the same there is still something very beautiful about the whole thing. Anyone who actually reads the Bible will notice that sexuality is flowing out of it like it was going out of style.

One of the most oddball things God does is express his love in relation to different forms of physical human relationships. He breaks things down in a simplified manner so we can at least try to fathom something otherwise incomprehensible. He says that he loves us like a father should love his children, Jesus mentioned wanting to gather together the lost like a mother hen would gather her chicks, Paul wrote that a wife should submit to her husband and the husband should love his wife with complete selflessness just as how Jesus loved and died for the church.

Spirituality and sexuality yet again. The physical act of sex is supposed to be (hard to know something you have never experienced, thank God) a physical, mental and spiritual bonding experince. At the same time, the Bible uses similar terms to express how we intimately know God. Yes, I am aware of how insane that sounds.

Through the Old Testament God would refer to the Israelites worshiping idols and turning from him as them committing not idolatry but adultery. Assuming I am following this correctly Yahweh was wanting to teach that it is not the little clay statues that matter, it's the fact that they were turning their back on a love relationship that was supposed to be as vital to them as air is to life.


I know I will be branded a heretic and a 'dirty liberal' for saying this but bottom line the reason I know Christianity is true is because of the indescribable intimacy of the spirit. I can assume that knowing Yahweh through his spirit is similar to the effects of knowing ones spouse in a somewhat sexual sense. There at least to me appears to be some kind of innate connection, something deeper then the pure physical.

Personally, I think that is what most people miss. Yahweh didn't create the universe, the heavens and us to simply sit around and wait for him to come wash our feet (although he has), he made us to live life and not to expect to have answers for everything.

Living in this Hell of a planet sucks. There is good but there is much bad too. When you have millions of people dying of malnutrition, people having to abuse drugs and alcohol just to cope with life, people running about confused and thinking they do not deserve to live life...do I need to go on?

There is a horrifying aspect to life that one can't deny but all the same there is something vastly beautiful. The intimacy we all desire and dream about will never be attainable through flawed and broken people. No human being will ever fix our broken hearts but there is something much more then us.

The way I look at it, I'm either insane or there is a loving God. How many insane people do you know constantly scrutinize their own personal sanity?

Random Three AM Thought:

Sleep is good yet a distant function.

I however realized something, that being that one of the attraction factors that has been going through my mind, at least subconsciously, if that I am really attracted to domestic skills and qualities. I'm to tired to care about offending feminists so all political correctness aside; I just think it is quite amazing to see a woman that knows what she is doing around a kitchen, decorating a room, creating something out of nothing and the rest of that jazz.

It goes completely against my desires to 'run off and join the circus' but I think I really need that balance. Sure, it would be nice to be able to finally find a legitimate artistic means of expression that would entail travel but without having someone that was firmly grounded in reality it would be a disaster waiting to happen for me.

Emotions = Headaches in Disguise

I will be honest, I really am starting to have a lot of disdain for emotions, feelings and all of that. Sure life would be a bit boring but it would be so less painful. That is quite selfish I admit, I would rather just eliminate the pain altogether with the good aspects of it.

I hate feeling captives to life, to who I am, what I am, where I am, where I am going, where I am not going. Life feels like a series of quite annoying circles that do not know how to adjust in the proper ways.

Attraction, love, emotion, feeling, sexuality, lust, love, adoration...all of them are just headaches. I wish I could just be purged of these addictive pains and just have it all washed away.

I start to wonder if what we view as all of these emotions and thoughts are nothing more then corrupt versions of what they should be, you have the whole idealistic view of love that i once had. But bottom line I would much prefer to be free from it all.

I do not like feeling that I am out of control, that I am bound by a bunch of madding chemicals, it also feels like I am one of the few people that want to question this, be upset by it or in general possibly develop a negative disposition towards it.

Did I mention being tired of the metaphorical prison and the desire to run free and find a deeper understanding?

Open Door

It feels like I am waiting for something to happen. I am sitting here in my chair and waiting for the flames to dance around me, flames that can purge and burn away this false sense of contentment that has threatened to drown me.

It feels like there are two worlds, a world where TV slogans and porn are the real basis for life, a feeding frenzy of lust in which the only person to loose is the one whose body isn't ravaged with disease. Reality so very strong that we cannot bear to walk through the house without viewing them on enough screens for every day of the week.

I cannot stand television.

The other world is behind a black veil. A world of polar opposites and oxymorons leading to a sense of surreal. A reality so strong that it is equal part bitterness as much as it is equal part joy. Black masks of death line the path way as they stand next to the purest forms of life.

Truth becomes a convoluted haze that is easiest to embrace when you do not know.

There is indeed a death of practical thought and action because it cannot be supported on the lifeline of nihilistic self help jargon that people enjoy consuming simply because they can better pat themselves on the back.


Truth is black and white as well as a full blown colorful rainbow of perspective.

An easy way to see truth is to realize you are looking for you first, after you determine to put your desire last you could possibly begin to understand a lofty idea such as infinite, holy and God.

It's to bad I am just as lazy as the rest of humanity.

Random Thought of the Day:

Like a fish out of water, we flout about in our petty little arrogance as we die drowning from exposure to an air we do not comprehend, much less unable to breath.

I honestly do not think human beings as a whole could be more confused and backwards in just their approach to life but with their individual executions of attempts to live life. Brought up from a young age to be self serving we wallow in petty addictions thinking someone else is to blame for our lackluster broken lives.

Sex, drugs and alcohol oh my.

Another Thought...

...I'm the Charlie Brown of the music world. Just think about that one.

Just a small thought

After the past few days of thought I think that this song sums things up in ways I lack the current coherent capable facilities to articulate any sort of sane or rational thought on.

____________________________________

Nobody else here baby
No one here to blame
No one to point the finger
It’s just you and me and the rain
Nobody made you do it
No one put words in your mouth
Nobody here taking orders
When love took a train heading south

It’s the blind leading the blond
It’s the stuff, it’s the stuff of country songs
If God will send his angels
And if God will send a sign
And if God will send his angels
Would everything be alright

God’s got his phone off the hook, babe
Would he even pick up if he could
It’s been a while since we saw that child
Hanging ‘round this neighborhood
See his mother dealing in a doorway
See Father Christmas with a begging bowl
Jesus’ sister’s eyes are a blister
The high street never looked so low

It’s the blind leading the blond
It’s the cops collecting for the cons
So where is the hope
And where is the faith
And the love
What’s that you say to me
Does love light up your Christmas tree
The next minute you’re blowing a fuse
And the Cartoon Network turns into the news

If God will send his angels
And if God will send a sign
Well, If God will send his angels

Where do we go
Where do we go

Jesus never let me down
You know, Jesus used to show me the score
Then they put Jesus in show business
Now it’s hard to get in the door
Angel

It’s the stuff, it’s the stuff of country songs
But I guess it’s something to go on
If God will send his angels
Sure could use them here right now
Well If God will send his angels
And I want my life
Where do we go
And I want to feel my soul
Where do we go
And I want to know love
Where do we go
And I want to feel

-U2, "If God Will Send His Angels"

This makes me seriously question the justice system in the US

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,312018,00.html

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-suicide22nov22,1,2129665.story?page=1&coll=la-headlines-nation&ctrack=1&cset=true


Bottom line that case illustrates one of the biggest problems in the US. People flaunt their right to free speech and then act all surprised when people expect them to be responsible for what they say or do. Freedom does not, nor will it ever mean someone can do whatever they please.

To sum up:

1.People need to learn the idea of responsibility for their actions. What kind of parent would make a fake Myspace profile and then proceed to deliberately torment a child with a history of depression?

2.The mother who made the fake profile has not even made any attempts at an apology. What kind of a mind job is this woman?

3.I know there are details I don't know and no one should know but bottom line this is one of the most sickening and disgusting things I have heard in a long time.

4.Doesn't this kind of sickness just SCREAM what the Bible says about humans being naturally bent towards destruction? My God, I just want to throw up from reading all of this.


My Solution:
1.Unrealistic - I think it would be rather appropriate if all the jerks that were in on this spent about twenty years or so in jail, or heck maybe a month or two...or maybe we should slap a small fine on them on the least as opposed to just letting people that helped contribute to an innocent girl's suicide get off free...
2.Realistic - Nothing will ever happen. I can't condone vigilante justice but it is nice to see I'm not the only human being whose sensibilities were disturbed by this garbage. I assume more political correct garbage will come running and screaming to this woman's defense and will also cause me to loose even more faith in humanity.



At what point are people going to start taking responsibility for what they do? The more this goes unchecked the more of a spoiled brat complex this country will have and eventually I think I may actually be welcoming whatever plague or act of God that wipes out humanity.

To do list::

-Find job by Sunday so I'm not kicked out of house
-Find a good job
-See about school
-Find a publisher
-Edit book
-Find sleep
-Sleep
-Think
-Wake up
-Misc fun stuff like eat food and read books

For those who may be curious...

...I am a winner.

Sunday Mornings, Huh?

First draft, done.
Been insulted and made to feel like a bum this morning, done.
Found a real job in order to have a flow of cash in order to have certain people shut the Hell up, five months and counting.