Sunday, February 16, 2014

Life without hope is not life - it is nothing but a poorly disguised farce.  

Friday, February 7, 2014

I have to wonder who, what, where, when and how?

Just give your Judas kiss and let us dance this dance already.
To see so many variables flitter about in possibility and see the lone singular arise as lone and curious and strangely comforting.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Hi enemy.
Please douse yourself in liberal amounts of my apathy and general ignoring 

And occasional rolled eyes and muttered prayer. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

Stars and Light

To see such a sea,
endless waves
an oceans of stars
burning so bright.

How i wish you could see
that we could join hands.
But alas,
some things
are not meant to be.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

I miss having my Kitsune in my life...I hooe things reaolve and we can speak again soon.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

A mile marker indicating I have not and refuse to yield and die.  

Friday, January 31, 2014

Past and Now

Why must so many memories persist?
Being here in Jacksonville is such a mixed bag.

Beauty, pain, love, lies, betrayal... Reminders that humans are in fact human and the word Love is just a word.

We give words their meanings by their actions.
If my life is to have any worth I have to make that choice for myself and my God, is it excruciating


I am still looking.

I have refused to yield to the Reaper.

That may be my strongest words so far.

One day I will have more answers.

One day soon.


Friday, January 24, 2014

I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused.
Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used.
Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise.
If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending
That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend.
And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner
And everything's done under the sun,
And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer.

Monday, January 20, 2014

I miss you.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

So it seems cold affect Rhuemtoid Arthritis.


Monday, December 30, 2013

New Year Soon

So close to a new year.
Will the change even matter?
I hope something does.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

I have everything and nothing to say.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

I think it may be the tears that I hate the most. 

Time and Nights

Time keeps progressing so much faster.
Sands twirling and falling,
being stirred by the unseen winds.

A chill.
Dark is coming.
Silence falling so absolute.

Hope remains.
But how long shall this frail body?

I've seen enough to see the signs
and know the Reackoning 
is near
oh so very Near.


Thoughts for the Day

Life seems to increase in weird and strange by the day.
Balance is so...hard.
I know ideas of what healthy is, could and should be...but why, what and how?

Seeing what is good and becoming better is harder by the breath.

What mattered.... And what matters are two different world but I do know they are real.

I'm not sure about what thoughts and emotions are real but I do know matter itself is.

And if i am able to think myself into a hole that means I can climb out of it and find my way to a healthy place.

So in short...screw you fake reality!
I reject you and shall substitute my own.
Albeit more realistic and healthy.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Thank You

As much stress, illness, pain and is a miracle I have survived.

Thank You Jesus for loving and taking care of me...especially when I have been so selfish and too scared to make any decision.

I hope things will continue to improve someway and somehow.

Merry Christmas

Not muh ican really say except that.

Merry Christmas.
So this is Christmas...

Monday, December 23, 2013

Hope of Hope

One day there will be healing.
Blessed and beautiful days of grace.
As night rises,
so shall it fall
and hope shall burn.

I have naught but this need,
improbable and impossible hope
that there is more.

Night is empty
and so very cold.
But there is hope
of life and warmth.
So close to Christmas.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

So tired.
Cold rage.
Need rest.

Friday, December 20, 2013

You are my Nightmare

Time will persist,
moment agonizing moment
as each grain of sand
marks a passage.

Black burns 
fading into white
as every moment reminds.

Lilies and lilacs 
becoming such sweet lies,
hiding behind smiles
your grotesque sins.

Smiles and stares
dripping sweet venom,
leaving never healing wounds.

Your smile is necrotic
burrowing into my soul
and I love you
for very wound
fueling my self hatred.

Blank pages
ink faded,
broken promises
written with our blood.

Promises and oaths 
barely coherent lies.
The broken shell of what was
and reminders of what could have been.

Solace in knowing
you aren't worth the effort
it takes to rhyme
and create cohesive structure.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Broken Sense of Freedom

I realize I have been wrong to expect anything from someone so emotionally immature and incapable of adult like communication. The easy thing would be to say there is no point...oh but that is such a lie.

There is a point.

So vivid and clear.

Painted with pain.
It's a masterpiece that will not be finished until I take my last breath.

Just know I am done wasting effort and energy and breath.
If I was going to spend energy it would just be negative and pointless wastes of be and being.

So I can breath and smile at death.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

And After All, Chaos

Words continue to fail me non-stop.
Even if I knew what to say and when to say it, I am not sure I could even go through with speaking.
I think a safe number much prefer my lies to the truth.
Though majority is mostly inconsequential.

What does life look like?
Beyond this charade?
Lip synching nonsense?

What does it feel like to have things matter?
To not just feel everything deeply at once but to be able to differentiate between them all and pick to feel good?

I wish I could simply embrace the good and let of ill.
Maybe it is as easy as some claim.
Or there is some fundamental flaw inside of me that makes it dificult for somethings to make sense at all.